Had the weirdest dream last night. Dreamt I was back married to the children's father and was watching TV with him and then the time came to end the day and retire upstairs for the inevitable deed and I had the most enormous sense of panic and my legs wouldn't move and I tried to scream and nothing came out.
It wasn't always like that. When my marriage imploded I never for once ever imagined I would be apathetic about my then husband. I was consumed with anger and righteous indignation that he could renege on our deal to raise three children together, and swap parenthood for step-parenthood. But the truth is we should never have married in the first place. I had it in my mind that I had waited a respectable three years from broken heart to altar steps but apparently it was more like a few months. We were friends and not lovers and he had the most enormously troubled background, and I felt so sorry for him and thought he was so vulnerable. Although I did grow to love him in a sisterly sort of a way, I'm really glad he's so lucky to have found the real thing this time round. He and his current wife are obviously so much in love and they now have a pretty daughter to share of their own, but I do find it sad that he missed out on so much of his first three kid's childhood.
Atonement.
It's so much healthier for children when the adults behave like grown ups and it removes so much of the angst caused by division of loyalties. Everything's absolutely fine now and when I'd finished chatting to him at C's leaving do it came as a such a shock to me when the mother of one of C's friends said 'I really admire you doing that, C told me he hadn't spoken to his father for two years when we met him. I'd have chopped his balls off and fed them to the next door's cat' (she's a Yorkshire lady). I'd completely forgotten the dark ages - it really is true what they tell you at the time and indifference is far and away the best condition.. Still all's well that ends well and everyone gets on fine.
Speaking of ending well - still haven't heard from C.
Nurse plus student nurse just left, they are such lovely people - real angels. Leg sore and foot swollen. Will try and do my walk later - remember my grandmother used to say her bones ached when it was damp so maybe it's the rain's fault. Did try to go a bit further yesterday so perhaps will do the shorter one today. Desperately trying to get fit enough to return to work and am so aware of how hard colleagues will be stretched covering for 'one down'. They really are the most brilliant bunch of modest heroes.
Not heard from H - hope that doesn't bode ill. Not heard from R so ditto there. Am going to have a chat to fellow soldier's Mum when this is posted - hope all's well for her and every other soldier's Mum out there. It's just so comforting to have contact with her.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
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