Another week with no horrid news thank goodness.
R in recovery from a brilliant night out. H on a coach somewhere in France and I've just been for a walk with my dear friend around one of our pretty ancient towns and it's freezing cold. Heard someone mention the 's' word but am seriously hoping that proves incorrect.
Heard from fellow soldier's Mum and she's dreading her boy going back. The earlier elation is now replaced by inevitable dread. All we can do is hope and pray.
Feel very edgy today, hopefully for no reason at all.
Please God all is safe and well
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
Sunday 31 January 2010
Saturday 30 January 2010
Day 119 Week 16
Just driven back down the lanes (Buckinghamshire is criss-crossed by miles of single track roads with passing places, just like the north of Scotland) and some stupid idiot drove straight at me as I was going up a hill, with their full beam on and consequently I now have two flashing circles of gold in the middle of my vision. Had been visiting the parents of one of C's best friends, and they are also soldier's Mum and Dad. So reassuring to see them, they're so optimistic and always feel invigorated after being in their company.
Prior to that was in Tescos and my phone rang and it was H. He was in France, at the French Naval Academy in Brest and had just had the humiliation of leading an RN side which was beaten resoundingly at one of our national sports by an opposition on fire. Guess you could call it revenge for Trafalgar. The French scored three tries and the Navy managed to claw one back at the end, but it hurt. He's enjoying every minute of the warfare training but the pace is relentless and doesn't get a minute to himself. Won't be back in Blighty until Monday and strongly suspect there will be immense drowning of sorrows tonight.
Reminded me of the lunch at his graduation in December when I overheard two Admirals muttering darkly about the Army's underhand tactic of fielding six Fijian internationals in their side at Twickenham last year, when the Army squashed the Navy by nearly fifty points. The Admirals thought it typical of shady dealings by the pongos and weren't at all happy. I was there at the actual match and it was terrific. Was sitting next to a naval family and the father was clutching an Ensign which transpired was grabbed at the last minute from Coventry just before she sank during the Falklands. He'd borrowed it from a friend and promised if the Navy scored he'd hold it aloft and in the last five minutes of the game I had the pleasure of holding the right hand corner when a try was at last scored. Absolutely brilliant day out.
And then when I arrived back in our village, my phone rang again and this time it was from C, and he sounded utterly worn out. He's moved to another location and it's much better than the previous one - please God he'll be as safe there as he was before. So solemn and grave. I said I'd seen his testimonial and he said the lad was a terrific guy, one of the best. He went on to tell me that the boy from our next village who's in his platoon actually came back on the repatriation flight with the two Riflemen yesterday. That apparently was a conscious decision, it was deemed important to bring the poor souls back looked after by their own. I managed to hold it together and told him how proud I was of him and how well he was doing and how much I was looking forward to seeing him, and as soon as the call finished I sobbed, and sobbed, and sobbed.
Saw the moon rise though and it was spectacular. A huge golden ball, almost looked like the sun itself.
Was invited to a Burns night supper in the village tonight and called in to see everyone and say thank you but somehow I don't feel lighthearted and so a quiet night in will do instead. The hall looked so pretty, with tartan, fairy lights and two enormous tables beautifully laid. The son of one of the organisers has just joined the Mercian Regiment and we caught up on news.
R home and looking fabulous and off to yet another party. And I'm going to get into my pyjamas, have a glass of wine, snuggle down on the sofa and watch Pride and Prejudice.
Met an Irish guy who comes from where my family comes from in Ireland, and he's actually quite nice.
May God's kindness continue to guard everyone from harm.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
Prior to that was in Tescos and my phone rang and it was H. He was in France, at the French Naval Academy in Brest and had just had the humiliation of leading an RN side which was beaten resoundingly at one of our national sports by an opposition on fire. Guess you could call it revenge for Trafalgar. The French scored three tries and the Navy managed to claw one back at the end, but it hurt. He's enjoying every minute of the warfare training but the pace is relentless and doesn't get a minute to himself. Won't be back in Blighty until Monday and strongly suspect there will be immense drowning of sorrows tonight.
Reminded me of the lunch at his graduation in December when I overheard two Admirals muttering darkly about the Army's underhand tactic of fielding six Fijian internationals in their side at Twickenham last year, when the Army squashed the Navy by nearly fifty points. The Admirals thought it typical of shady dealings by the pongos and weren't at all happy. I was there at the actual match and it was terrific. Was sitting next to a naval family and the father was clutching an Ensign which transpired was grabbed at the last minute from Coventry just before she sank during the Falklands. He'd borrowed it from a friend and promised if the Navy scored he'd hold it aloft and in the last five minutes of the game I had the pleasure of holding the right hand corner when a try was at last scored. Absolutely brilliant day out.
And then when I arrived back in our village, my phone rang again and this time it was from C, and he sounded utterly worn out. He's moved to another location and it's much better than the previous one - please God he'll be as safe there as he was before. So solemn and grave. I said I'd seen his testimonial and he said the lad was a terrific guy, one of the best. He went on to tell me that the boy from our next village who's in his platoon actually came back on the repatriation flight with the two Riflemen yesterday. That apparently was a conscious decision, it was deemed important to bring the poor souls back looked after by their own. I managed to hold it together and told him how proud I was of him and how well he was doing and how much I was looking forward to seeing him, and as soon as the call finished I sobbed, and sobbed, and sobbed.
Saw the moon rise though and it was spectacular. A huge golden ball, almost looked like the sun itself.
Was invited to a Burns night supper in the village tonight and called in to see everyone and say thank you but somehow I don't feel lighthearted and so a quiet night in will do instead. The hall looked so pretty, with tartan, fairy lights and two enormous tables beautifully laid. The son of one of the organisers has just joined the Mercian Regiment and we caught up on news.
R home and looking fabulous and off to yet another party. And I'm going to get into my pyjamas, have a glass of wine, snuggle down on the sofa and watch Pride and Prejudice.
Met an Irish guy who comes from where my family comes from in Ireland, and he's actually quite nice.
May God's kindness continue to guard everyone from harm.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
Friday 29 January 2010
Day 118 Week 16
Beautiful, huge full moon tonight. It dominates the sky.
Been mulling over the plan to 'pay' the Taliban to give up their arms. They're deeply religious fundamentalists who fervently believe all the evils of the world stem from the deeds of the 'kafir' (non-believers), and that the only way to save mankind is to adopt shariah law and convert to Islam. The dollar being one of the clearest symbols of western decadence and debauchery, why on earth would anyone presume they would accept taking a few of them in order to abandon their passionately held cause? These people think nothing of dying or killing in the name of their belief. Maybe our ignorance of their commitment could be explained by the fact that an ideology or faith held so devoutly is, to us, an anathema. Never underestimate your enemy.
And then when you factor in how righteously NATO has been lecturing the Afghan government on the importance of stamping down on corruption and eradicating it in every form, what kind of example is being set by trying to 'buy' someone away from their cause? And on a purely practical level has anyone considered a full take up of the offer followed by an immediate return to former activities, but this time with thousands of dollars sloshing around to buy even more equipment. They must have gone mad.
Tony Blair bullish about the Iraq war and he has no regrets. Wonder what the Inquiry will decide.
Work interesting. Challenging days make the gentle days worthwhile. Supposed to be minus four tonight.
Heard from H and he's captaining the RN in a rugby match against the French Navy tomorrow. Oh dear, should be interesting. R home and in good form, uni good and off with the girls clubbing tonight. No news from C and just hope he's safe and sound and survives all the harebrained schemes the powers that be choose to throw at him. The boy from our neighbouring village whose in C's platoon arrived back today for his r and r leave, and I'm sure his family must be delighted.
Keep up the good work please Lord.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
Been mulling over the plan to 'pay' the Taliban to give up their arms. They're deeply religious fundamentalists who fervently believe all the evils of the world stem from the deeds of the 'kafir' (non-believers), and that the only way to save mankind is to adopt shariah law and convert to Islam. The dollar being one of the clearest symbols of western decadence and debauchery, why on earth would anyone presume they would accept taking a few of them in order to abandon their passionately held cause? These people think nothing of dying or killing in the name of their belief. Maybe our ignorance of their commitment could be explained by the fact that an ideology or faith held so devoutly is, to us, an anathema. Never underestimate your enemy.
And then when you factor in how righteously NATO has been lecturing the Afghan government on the importance of stamping down on corruption and eradicating it in every form, what kind of example is being set by trying to 'buy' someone away from their cause? And on a purely practical level has anyone considered a full take up of the offer followed by an immediate return to former activities, but this time with thousands of dollars sloshing around to buy even more equipment. They must have gone mad.
Tony Blair bullish about the Iraq war and he has no regrets. Wonder what the Inquiry will decide.
Work interesting. Challenging days make the gentle days worthwhile. Supposed to be minus four tonight.
Heard from H and he's captaining the RN in a rugby match against the French Navy tomorrow. Oh dear, should be interesting. R home and in good form, uni good and off with the girls clubbing tonight. No news from C and just hope he's safe and sound and survives all the harebrained schemes the powers that be choose to throw at him. The boy from our neighbouring village whose in C's platoon arrived back today for his r and r leave, and I'm sure his family must be delighted.
Keep up the good work please Lord.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
Thursday 28 January 2010
Day 117 Week 16
Why am I so tired at the moment? Is it shock to the system after being a lady of leisure for so many months? Slept like a log last night but fear I could have gone round the clock. Then am arrested by thoughts of how tired C must feel and am aware I'm behaving like a pampered bitch.
So the conference is being held in London on the future of Afghanistan. All sorts of profound mutterings about the Afghan government taking over responsibility for its own security within five years, to which end a hundred a forty thousand dollars has been set aside to pay members of the Taliban to lay down their weapons and join in peaceful negotiation on the 'way forward'. Always worry when organisations talk about 'the way forward'. It usually means the 'way forward' thus far has been an abject failure, and so they try to inject artificial energy by implying a sweeping change of direction. Why change the current 'way forward' if it's been a success? And if you impose too many different 'way forwards' you just end up going round and round and round in ever decreasing circles.
Radio 4 announced this morning that corruption is so embedded in Afghani culture that they have twelve words for it. Start musing about how many words or phrases there are in English for the very same. Bribery, extortion, fiddling, profiteering, pay-off, on-the-take, racket, bung, brown-paper-envelope, knobble, coerce, breach-of-trust, scam, back-hander, bent, shady, rotten, unscrupulous, underhand, fraudulent - much more than a dozen and the list goes on and on. Does that mean we're more corrupt? I give up on all the nonsense.
Meanwhile boys like my son are being killed or horribly mutilated.
H going away for the weekend, Dartmouth challenging but brilliant. R hopefully coming home. No news from C but never forget him ever.
Look after them please Lord
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
Post Script - a dear friend just rang and her mother lives in Wootton Bassett. She's very involved in the church down there and there's a flurry of excitement as tomorrow Charles and Camilla will be raising the colours and dedicating a flag pole to the town. The good people have shunned any formal or political recognition of their dignified observances, rejecting naming of streets and the like, but as they do not have such a facility at the moment, have agreed to its installation on practical grounds.
So the conference is being held in London on the future of Afghanistan. All sorts of profound mutterings about the Afghan government taking over responsibility for its own security within five years, to which end a hundred a forty thousand dollars has been set aside to pay members of the Taliban to lay down their weapons and join in peaceful negotiation on the 'way forward'. Always worry when organisations talk about 'the way forward'. It usually means the 'way forward' thus far has been an abject failure, and so they try to inject artificial energy by implying a sweeping change of direction. Why change the current 'way forward' if it's been a success? And if you impose too many different 'way forwards' you just end up going round and round and round in ever decreasing circles.
Radio 4 announced this morning that corruption is so embedded in Afghani culture that they have twelve words for it. Start musing about how many words or phrases there are in English for the very same. Bribery, extortion, fiddling, profiteering, pay-off, on-the-take, racket, bung, brown-paper-envelope, knobble, coerce, breach-of-trust, scam, back-hander, bent, shady, rotten, unscrupulous, underhand, fraudulent - much more than a dozen and the list goes on and on. Does that mean we're more corrupt? I give up on all the nonsense.
Meanwhile boys like my son are being killed or horribly mutilated.
H going away for the weekend, Dartmouth challenging but brilliant. R hopefully coming home. No news from C but never forget him ever.
Look after them please Lord
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
Post Script - a dear friend just rang and her mother lives in Wootton Bassett. She's very involved in the church down there and there's a flurry of excitement as tomorrow Charles and Camilla will be raising the colours and dedicating a flag pole to the town. The good people have shunned any formal or political recognition of their dignified observances, rejecting naming of streets and the like, but as they do not have such a facility at the moment, have agreed to its installation on practical grounds.
Wednesday 27 January 2010
Day 116 Week 16
Heard from fellow soldier's Mum and she's still over the moon to have her boy home, but the egg-timer is shifting sand in her mind and she's dreading him going back. Know exactly how she feels, as it gets nearer to C coming home, it actually becomes harder to bear.
Work was really lovely today. Social Care lesson covering acceptable practice in order to avoid discrimination and then art and peaceful contemplative creativity. Sometimes I think I should be the one paying for the privilege of being allowed to be there and not the other way round. The kids were so keen and open and full of boundless enthusiasm, doesn't seem five minutes since I was like that. Culture shock to realise that in reality, of course, it was over thirty years ago - heavens where did that go.
Weather been abysmal - cold, bleak, damp, grey and gloomy. No one complaining though because at least it's not the 's' word. Hope Afghanistan is kinder in climate.
Hooked on Michael Portillo's train journeys and last night it was Matlock to Derby, a route which encompasses much of my childhood and more than one memory of a happy date. Those were the care free days of zooming around in a selection of rackety old MG's, listening to the crackly radio and calling into a country pub for a half of lager, or if you were very posh a dry Martini and lemonade, followed by a quick snog in the car park. Scampi and chips in a tomato ketchup engrained basket, sitting on top of a paper napkin, accompanied by overcooked frozen peas and half a tomato, and I thought I'd arrived. The seventies had to be experienced to be believed, it wasn't that life was dull it was just the choices were so limited. But still it was fun.
Absolutely knackered as appalling sleep last night accompanied by fitful, frightful dreams.
Heard from H and he's so concerned about his baby brother. He read the messages of condolence and was gutted but proud of C's sang froid. Heard from R and sorted out her washing. Not heard from C but just hoping and praying all are safe in this new offensive they're launching.
Please God look after them.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
Work was really lovely today. Social Care lesson covering acceptable practice in order to avoid discrimination and then art and peaceful contemplative creativity. Sometimes I think I should be the one paying for the privilege of being allowed to be there and not the other way round. The kids were so keen and open and full of boundless enthusiasm, doesn't seem five minutes since I was like that. Culture shock to realise that in reality, of course, it was over thirty years ago - heavens where did that go.
Weather been abysmal - cold, bleak, damp, grey and gloomy. No one complaining though because at least it's not the 's' word. Hope Afghanistan is kinder in climate.
Hooked on Michael Portillo's train journeys and last night it was Matlock to Derby, a route which encompasses much of my childhood and more than one memory of a happy date. Those were the care free days of zooming around in a selection of rackety old MG's, listening to the crackly radio and calling into a country pub for a half of lager, or if you were very posh a dry Martini and lemonade, followed by a quick snog in the car park. Scampi and chips in a tomato ketchup engrained basket, sitting on top of a paper napkin, accompanied by overcooked frozen peas and half a tomato, and I thought I'd arrived. The seventies had to be experienced to be believed, it wasn't that life was dull it was just the choices were so limited. But still it was fun.
Absolutely knackered as appalling sleep last night accompanied by fitful, frightful dreams.
Heard from H and he's so concerned about his baby brother. He read the messages of condolence and was gutted but proud of C's sang froid. Heard from R and sorted out her washing. Not heard from C but just hoping and praying all are safe in this new offensive they're launching.
Please God look after them.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
Tuesday 26 January 2010
Day 115 Week 16
Not only was the poor lad killed on Sunday in 3 Rifles, but he served with my son and C knew and respected him well. Found out at eight thirty this morning, checking the news before starting work and if it wasn't for my dear colleagues don't think I could have got through the day. Factoring in the time difference, it must have happened not long after I spoke to C on Saturday night and I just feel so, so, sad for the boy, and his family, and his friends - those both not serving and the serving left behind. No winners.
If you look at the gallery of the fallen the most horrendous aspect is they just look so alive. A sea of young fresh hopeful faces, invariably smiling and exuding optimism and clearly looking forward to the future. And now they're gone, God bless them all.
There was the most breathtaking sunset tonight. The sky looked as if it was on fire as puniceous crimson spread out from the brow of our life-giving orb as it settled below the horizon. It was like the heavens spontaneously combusted. I stood at the top of the hill at the entrance to my close, looking over the dark outlines of the trees in the woods and fields beyond and I wasn't crying but suddenly tears streamed down my face. Can't ever put the horrors out of my mind.
Heard from R and she's having a ball. Heard from H and he's so mature and responsible and loving his course too. Heard from C, but only in a very formal way describing how he feels over the loss of his comrade. That was through a testimonial he had written on the MoD website.
God bless us all and keep us strong and protect us from danger.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
If you look at the gallery of the fallen the most horrendous aspect is they just look so alive. A sea of young fresh hopeful faces, invariably smiling and exuding optimism and clearly looking forward to the future. And now they're gone, God bless them all.
There was the most breathtaking sunset tonight. The sky looked as if it was on fire as puniceous crimson spread out from the brow of our life-giving orb as it settled below the horizon. It was like the heavens spontaneously combusted. I stood at the top of the hill at the entrance to my close, looking over the dark outlines of the trees in the woods and fields beyond and I wasn't crying but suddenly tears streamed down my face. Can't ever put the horrors out of my mind.
Heard from R and she's having a ball. Heard from H and he's so mature and responsible and loving his course too. Heard from C, but only in a very formal way describing how he feels over the loss of his comrade. That was through a testimonial he had written on the MoD website.
God bless us all and keep us strong and protect us from danger.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
Monday 25 January 2010
Day 114 Week 16
Another Rifleman killed. May he RIP. He was from 3 Rifles A Company, that's just the same as C. Heard last night as a dear friend text 'thinking of you, hope all's well' and I knew something had happened. Confirmed fears, sent round robin informing nearest and dearest C was OK as far as I knew and hoped, and then sobbed myself to sleep.
Saw that there's to be a new big offensive along the lines of panther's claw, as the Americans have sent in so many reinforcements, to be accompanied with an expected inevitable surge in casualties and just feel sick with dread. It's to regain land that the Taliban took from Nato, which Nato took from the insurgents, which the insurgents took from the Afghan National government, and I think that just about sums the whole bloody mess up.
R just rang and she's heard from C and has a date for him to hopefully return for his leave. She's rung H and he's in the process of arranging special leave to meet him too and I just feel so terrified that something might go wrong. When you read dreadful stories about incidents happening when personnel shouldn't have been where they were or should have been home but swapped at the last moment and just pray that kismet is on our side and he returns to us safely.
Work was good but have another headache, again - maybe I need to get my eyes tested. Irritated myself enormously by taking some money out at the cash till on the way home and then in an absent minded vague moment walked away without actually collecting it. Still, if that's the worst thing that happens, I'll have a good life.
Must stay positive and not be afraid. All soldier's joke about the lottery of names on bullets, but it's true and there really is nothing you can do, just put your faith in the right place and behave with dignity.
Not heard from fellow soldier's Mum because hopefully she's having the time of her life and relishing every moment of having her boy at home.
Please Lord bring him home safe.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
Saw that there's to be a new big offensive along the lines of panther's claw, as the Americans have sent in so many reinforcements, to be accompanied with an expected inevitable surge in casualties and just feel sick with dread. It's to regain land that the Taliban took from Nato, which Nato took from the insurgents, which the insurgents took from the Afghan National government, and I think that just about sums the whole bloody mess up.
R just rang and she's heard from C and has a date for him to hopefully return for his leave. She's rung H and he's in the process of arranging special leave to meet him too and I just feel so terrified that something might go wrong. When you read dreadful stories about incidents happening when personnel shouldn't have been where they were or should have been home but swapped at the last moment and just pray that kismet is on our side and he returns to us safely.
Work was good but have another headache, again - maybe I need to get my eyes tested. Irritated myself enormously by taking some money out at the cash till on the way home and then in an absent minded vague moment walked away without actually collecting it. Still, if that's the worst thing that happens, I'll have a good life.
Must stay positive and not be afraid. All soldier's joke about the lottery of names on bullets, but it's true and there really is nothing you can do, just put your faith in the right place and behave with dignity.
Not heard from fellow soldier's Mum because hopefully she's having the time of her life and relishing every moment of having her boy at home.
Please Lord bring him home safe.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
Sunday 24 January 2010
Day 113 Week 16
My phone rang last night and it was C. Artifcially up-beat in my utterly jovial salutation and he sounded completely shattered.
To summarise, it's been 'interestingly eventful' (blood ran cold), they've been really 'busy' (obvious euphemism), he's received the parcels and could he have more of the same please (will put one together today), his guys are 'bearing up' (the poor things must be pushed beyond repair), they've been down to the Helmund River a few times (scratch all thoughts of a gentle stroll along the waterside) and Afghanistan is a really beautiful country, well it would be if there weren't so many people 'running around trying to kill' him. He threw in a sardonic laugh after the last statement.
Every mother's nightmare. Still struggle with how it got to this.
Why do people want to kill people? Every conflict boils down to dead bodies and it's so futile. Just because my son is working for one ideology why should it be a good idea for another ideology to assassinate him? Churchill said 'war, war stops when jaw, jaw starts' and that is as true in this instance as it has been through time immemorial. But no the killing must continue.
Just seen the news and didn't realise another Rifleman was killed on Friday, God rest his soul. He was nineteen years old and his dying words to the medic were to tell his mother he loved her. Oh the poor lad and his family.
Not heard from H and R went to a party last night, and I'm going for a long walk in the fresh air.
Oh Lord make it all stop please.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
To summarise, it's been 'interestingly eventful' (blood ran cold), they've been really 'busy' (obvious euphemism), he's received the parcels and could he have more of the same please (will put one together today), his guys are 'bearing up' (the poor things must be pushed beyond repair), they've been down to the Helmund River a few times (scratch all thoughts of a gentle stroll along the waterside) and Afghanistan is a really beautiful country, well it would be if there weren't so many people 'running around trying to kill' him. He threw in a sardonic laugh after the last statement.
Every mother's nightmare. Still struggle with how it got to this.
Why do people want to kill people? Every conflict boils down to dead bodies and it's so futile. Just because my son is working for one ideology why should it be a good idea for another ideology to assassinate him? Churchill said 'war, war stops when jaw, jaw starts' and that is as true in this instance as it has been through time immemorial. But no the killing must continue.
Just seen the news and didn't realise another Rifleman was killed on Friday, God rest his soul. He was nineteen years old and his dying words to the medic were to tell his mother he loved her. Oh the poor lad and his family.
Not heard from H and R went to a party last night, and I'm going for a long walk in the fresh air.
Oh Lord make it all stop please.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
Saturday 23 January 2010
Day 112 Week 15
The threat of a terrorist attack on the UK has been raised to the highest level of 'substantial' from 'severe', but we haven't been told why. Oh dear they obviously know something and we know nothing. Just not convinced ignorance is bliss in this instance.
Yesterday was two years to the day since my mother died. Simply doesn't seem possible it was that long ago, and yet on another level it feels like I haven't seen her for decades. Still miss her, but know she would have been wretched had she survived her last tussle with the reaper. She was a strange, complicated person with a brain like a razor blade but a body like a battered old shoe, consequently towards the end of her life she was consumed with frustration at the lack of physical ability. Her stamina was never questioned though and she actually drove herself and her dear companion for a pub lunch just a week before her passing.
I have enormous guilt as she always refused any help on the basis she was completely independent, but what that meant in reality was that she could just about cope when things were stable but when an episode of infection arose, I was the first point of contact. Nothing wrong with that apart from the fact I live a hundred and thirty miles from where I grew up, and the awful thing is when I arrived to her failing body just days before she died, we had a furious row in which she finally admitted defeat and accepted she either had to come to me or have proper provision where she was. Still have a strong feeling she's now somewhere else and keeping a watchful eye on her family when they may be at risk or in danger.
Should have been in Windsor with my friend today but alas migraine kicked in so have been lying in a darkened room for four hours and it has finally receded to he point I can sit up.
Not heard from H. R home and being really sweet, she washed the bath out and offered to make a cup of tea. I haven't heard from C but R has. He rang her to ask if she'd collect him from Brize Norton when he has his R and R leave dv, and she of course rang H who is going to see if he is entitled to special leave to be there too. Those three are extraordinarily close, you take on one you take on them all.
Lots of prayers for absent friends.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
Yesterday was two years to the day since my mother died. Simply doesn't seem possible it was that long ago, and yet on another level it feels like I haven't seen her for decades. Still miss her, but know she would have been wretched had she survived her last tussle with the reaper. She was a strange, complicated person with a brain like a razor blade but a body like a battered old shoe, consequently towards the end of her life she was consumed with frustration at the lack of physical ability. Her stamina was never questioned though and she actually drove herself and her dear companion for a pub lunch just a week before her passing.
I have enormous guilt as she always refused any help on the basis she was completely independent, but what that meant in reality was that she could just about cope when things were stable but when an episode of infection arose, I was the first point of contact. Nothing wrong with that apart from the fact I live a hundred and thirty miles from where I grew up, and the awful thing is when I arrived to her failing body just days before she died, we had a furious row in which she finally admitted defeat and accepted she either had to come to me or have proper provision where she was. Still have a strong feeling she's now somewhere else and keeping a watchful eye on her family when they may be at risk or in danger.
Should have been in Windsor with my friend today but alas migraine kicked in so have been lying in a darkened room for four hours and it has finally receded to he point I can sit up.
Not heard from H. R home and being really sweet, she washed the bath out and offered to make a cup of tea. I haven't heard from C but R has. He rang her to ask if she'd collect him from Brize Norton when he has his R and R leave dv, and she of course rang H who is going to see if he is entitled to special leave to be there too. Those three are extraordinarily close, you take on one you take on them all.
Lots of prayers for absent friends.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
Friday 22 January 2010
Day 111 Week 15
Fellow soldier's Mum said it's the best thing ever - better than winning the lottery. The thing that is so remarkable is that you can feel her happiness, it's like she's come alive again.
No news from H. R home and lovely, she's had an interview for a job in a nursery and she'd be excellent because she's really good with little children, a natural Mary Poppins. No news from C and just hope everything's as normal as possible and no lurking horribleness anywhere.
Loads of rain today, claggy dark rain. Consequently to lift the spirits a group gathering in the local pub in ten minutes from now so really short blog.
Please God everything's going to be alright in the end.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
No news from H. R home and lovely, she's had an interview for a job in a nursery and she'd be excellent because she's really good with little children, a natural Mary Poppins. No news from C and just hope everything's as normal as possible and no lurking horribleness anywhere.
Loads of rain today, claggy dark rain. Consequently to lift the spirits a group gathering in the local pub in ten minutes from now so really short blog.
Please God everything's going to be alright in the end.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
Thursday 21 January 2010
Day 110 Week 15
Heard from fellow soldier's Mum and she's over the moon. No more glooms or anxiety just total happiness and apparently she hasn't stopped smiling for over twenty-four hours now. She is ecstatic to have her boy home but said he's so thin, presumably because of the appalling diet and the relentless burning up of calories. Spoke to a colleague who was a Marine in the Gulf War and he said he couldn't eat a proper meal for ages after his tour finished. I'm so happy for her but I ache to have my own home please God.
My journey to and from work weaves in and out of the M25 and as I drove over it tonight it was one long, solid line of stationary vehicles. Not for nothing is it known as the world's largest car park. All that wasted time sitting behind the steering wheel staring at the red lights of the car in front, wonder if the poor things have actually been able to move by now, they certainly weren't going anywhere earlier on. It's just dead time, lost time, puerile time and thank goodness I don't have to sit in that day after day, surely it would drive you nowhere but mad. C would loathe to be one of those never-ending fume-inhaling commuters, he'd be like a wild animal trapped in a small cage.
Must hold on to thoughts like that.
Wonder how C moves about in Afghanistan. Do they use the precious helicopters? Are they driven around in the old, dilapidated lorries? Or do they have to walk everywhere, tip-toeing between one hopefully unmined patch of earth to another?
Please Lord keep him safe so that he too can come home.
Heard from H and Dartmouth brill and skiing was amazing. Heard from R and she didn't speak to C either but she's having a good time and should be coming home at the weekend. Not had another call from C.
Saw a programme on the telly last night with Michael Portillo covering train journeys, and he stayed in the ancient hotel my friend and I stayed in at Dartmouth, and apparently it's stuffed to the gunnels with the ghosts of lost mariners - glad I didn't know that before.
Actually please keep everyone safe Lord.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
My journey to and from work weaves in and out of the M25 and as I drove over it tonight it was one long, solid line of stationary vehicles. Not for nothing is it known as the world's largest car park. All that wasted time sitting behind the steering wheel staring at the red lights of the car in front, wonder if the poor things have actually been able to move by now, they certainly weren't going anywhere earlier on. It's just dead time, lost time, puerile time and thank goodness I don't have to sit in that day after day, surely it would drive you nowhere but mad. C would loathe to be one of those never-ending fume-inhaling commuters, he'd be like a wild animal trapped in a small cage.
Must hold on to thoughts like that.
Wonder how C moves about in Afghanistan. Do they use the precious helicopters? Are they driven around in the old, dilapidated lorries? Or do they have to walk everywhere, tip-toeing between one hopefully unmined patch of earth to another?
Please Lord keep him safe so that he too can come home.
Heard from H and Dartmouth brill and skiing was amazing. Heard from R and she didn't speak to C either but she's having a good time and should be coming home at the weekend. Not had another call from C.
Saw a programme on the telly last night with Michael Portillo covering train journeys, and he stayed in the ancient hotel my friend and I stayed in at Dartmouth, and apparently it's stuffed to the gunnels with the ghosts of lost mariners - glad I didn't know that before.
Actually please keep everyone safe Lord.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
Wednesday 20 January 2010
Day 109 Week 15
Is there something in the air today?
Won a court judgement in August that the children's father (my fault I know for not being more discerning all those years ago) should support R whilst at university. Came home this evening to another court order (and I didn't even know the case was being considered) from a judge who shall we say acted less than honourably when I was before him many years ago (and he asked me to stay behind after the hearing to discuss my 'future plans' in his chambers - but we won't go into that now) reducing the amount to be paid. More unnecessary hassle.
Then a dear friend is trying to be brave but is suffering real turmoil and it's horrid to see her in such a way, she doesn't deserve any of it and she's so lovely and kind and good.
Then there's supposed to be more snow on the way and everyone's utterly sick of it.
Then there was really bad karma in the shop and a bit of queue rage which we all pretended to ignore but created a really bad feeling.
Then I came home to the aforementioned bad news and a cold, empty house and I missed my brood beyond words.
Then just when I thought I'd switch the mind-set from negativity and embraced positive mental attitude, my phone rang and it was voicemail, and I'd missed another call from C. That was the final invisible straw to hit the equally unseen camel's back and I sat on the sofa and sobbed like the proverbial. Feel utterly gutted to be denied any of the precious calls from C, it makes me so frustrated and cross with myself that I just want to scream at the injustice. That may sound a little OTT but ask anyone who has someone out there and they'll all describe the same feeling of wretchedness when a call is lost. It's like you've failed them by not being there when they needed you. You can never ring them, they can only ever ring you, and the least you can do is always be there.
His voice sounded calm and mature, and he said he just wanted to see how I was, and he sent lots of love, and I just miss him so much, and am so frightened that I'll never see him again, and it scares me alot.
The good news, of course, is that at 5.13pm GMT he was safe and well, and even if we didn't get to exchange words that's something to cling on to.
There is some good news today though, and fellow soldier's Mum is so happy because she's on her way to collect her boy who's flown back for his two weeks R and R and they should be with him about now.
Not heard from H. Not heard from R. But at least I can replay C's message feel like he's really here for a moment.
More prayers please Lord.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
Won a court judgement in August that the children's father (my fault I know for not being more discerning all those years ago) should support R whilst at university. Came home this evening to another court order (and I didn't even know the case was being considered) from a judge who shall we say acted less than honourably when I was before him many years ago (and he asked me to stay behind after the hearing to discuss my 'future plans' in his chambers - but we won't go into that now) reducing the amount to be paid. More unnecessary hassle.
Then a dear friend is trying to be brave but is suffering real turmoil and it's horrid to see her in such a way, she doesn't deserve any of it and she's so lovely and kind and good.
Then there's supposed to be more snow on the way and everyone's utterly sick of it.
Then there was really bad karma in the shop and a bit of queue rage which we all pretended to ignore but created a really bad feeling.
Then I came home to the aforementioned bad news and a cold, empty house and I missed my brood beyond words.
Then just when I thought I'd switch the mind-set from negativity and embraced positive mental attitude, my phone rang and it was voicemail, and I'd missed another call from C. That was the final invisible straw to hit the equally unseen camel's back and I sat on the sofa and sobbed like the proverbial. Feel utterly gutted to be denied any of the precious calls from C, it makes me so frustrated and cross with myself that I just want to scream at the injustice. That may sound a little OTT but ask anyone who has someone out there and they'll all describe the same feeling of wretchedness when a call is lost. It's like you've failed them by not being there when they needed you. You can never ring them, they can only ever ring you, and the least you can do is always be there.
His voice sounded calm and mature, and he said he just wanted to see how I was, and he sent lots of love, and I just miss him so much, and am so frightened that I'll never see him again, and it scares me alot.
The good news, of course, is that at 5.13pm GMT he was safe and well, and even if we didn't get to exchange words that's something to cling on to.
There is some good news today though, and fellow soldier's Mum is so happy because she's on her way to collect her boy who's flown back for his two weeks R and R and they should be with him about now.
Not heard from H. Not heard from R. But at least I can replay C's message feel like he's really here for a moment.
More prayers please Lord.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
Tuesday 19 January 2010
Day 108 Week 15
Really short blog as absolutely knackered and no news to impart, thank God.
The head of the Army and the head of the Navy are having an unseemly spat over 'the way forward'. Strangely enough the Sea Lord thinks we need more ships and submarines and the Major General thinks we need more soldiers and small armaments. In these days of economical prudery it will be interesting to see which boy's train set wins the day, my only serious concern is the likelihood of soldiers and sailors being sent into war with one metaphorical hand tied behind the back because of lack of decent, safe, well maintained equipment.
So good to be back at work. Love everyone to bits. Met a guy today whose previous existence consisted of being a Lieutenant Commander in the RN and lots of chat about Dartmouth and the several wars he'd participated in. Hopefully my boys can be just as fortunate.
At last aid is beginning to arrive in Haiti and it looks as if more than two hundred thousand could have perished. Bodies being tumbled into mass graves from dustbin lorries, almost too horrendous for us to contemplate but we must because they need our help so desperately.
No news from H so hopefully things good there. No news from R so hopefully all well there too, just miss her so much. And last but by no means least, no news from the frontline and so please God all well with everyone.
Shepherd's pie for supper.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
The head of the Army and the head of the Navy are having an unseemly spat over 'the way forward'. Strangely enough the Sea Lord thinks we need more ships and submarines and the Major General thinks we need more soldiers and small armaments. In these days of economical prudery it will be interesting to see which boy's train set wins the day, my only serious concern is the likelihood of soldiers and sailors being sent into war with one metaphorical hand tied behind the back because of lack of decent, safe, well maintained equipment.
So good to be back at work. Love everyone to bits. Met a guy today whose previous existence consisted of being a Lieutenant Commander in the RN and lots of chat about Dartmouth and the several wars he'd participated in. Hopefully my boys can be just as fortunate.
At last aid is beginning to arrive in Haiti and it looks as if more than two hundred thousand could have perished. Bodies being tumbled into mass graves from dustbin lorries, almost too horrendous for us to contemplate but we must because they need our help so desperately.
No news from H so hopefully things good there. No news from R so hopefully all well there too, just miss her so much. And last but by no means least, no news from the frontline and so please God all well with everyone.
Shepherd's pie for supper.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
Monday 18 January 2010
Day 107 Week 15
Went back to work and it was absolutely brilliant. So good to see everyone, lots of jokes about 'return to work Chapter 2' and felt invigorated to be back in the land of the living.
Work being amazing and am having a phased return and my timetable's fantastic. Initially felt like a rookie but after ten minutes in the classroom realised I had a vague idea what I'm supposed to do, and enjoyed every minute of it.
Reflecting on the nature of my colleagues I start thinking about the role of the job and wonder if it's because they have to care so much about the students that it attracts such kind, considerate people? Some of the young people we work with have had the most desperate things to cope with for their young years and for many it's a huge and literally life changing move to return to education. Then ponder about the whole nature of character compared to chosen professions. Are careers choices or vocations? In reality probably a bit of both.
Had a huge bluey with R which always makes me sad, still I suppose being a teenage girl means that Mum's public enemy number one. Not heard from H but he's still in the Alps hopefully having the time of his life. Kabul erupted into a battlefield this morning with suicide bombers and gun fights around the government buildings, will it ever settle down. No news from C and am obviously concerned but must keep spirits high and assume silence is the best alternative.
Came home and had a delicious hot soak in the bath and all the muscles started to relax after the shock of an active day. And now it's my favourite supper of bangers and mash. Thank you Lord today was a good day.
Can tomorrow and all the other days be like that please?
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
Work being amazing and am having a phased return and my timetable's fantastic. Initially felt like a rookie but after ten minutes in the classroom realised I had a vague idea what I'm supposed to do, and enjoyed every minute of it.
Reflecting on the nature of my colleagues I start thinking about the role of the job and wonder if it's because they have to care so much about the students that it attracts such kind, considerate people? Some of the young people we work with have had the most desperate things to cope with for their young years and for many it's a huge and literally life changing move to return to education. Then ponder about the whole nature of character compared to chosen professions. Are careers choices or vocations? In reality probably a bit of both.
Had a huge bluey with R which always makes me sad, still I suppose being a teenage girl means that Mum's public enemy number one. Not heard from H but he's still in the Alps hopefully having the time of his life. Kabul erupted into a battlefield this morning with suicide bombers and gun fights around the government buildings, will it ever settle down. No news from C and am obviously concerned but must keep spirits high and assume silence is the best alternative.
Came home and had a delicious hot soak in the bath and all the muscles started to relax after the shock of an active day. And now it's my favourite supper of bangers and mash. Thank you Lord today was a good day.
Can tomorrow and all the other days be like that please?
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
Sunday 17 January 2010
Day 106 Week 15
Another week and yet no news thank God. Negatives can really sometimes be positives. Cannot put the lost souls of Friday out of my mind.
Tragically it would seem that two hundred thousand people could have perished in the Haitian earthquake making it one of the ten most deadly of its kind ever.
The day has been thankfully busy, morning coffee with friends, walk in the glorious snow-free sunshine in the most seductive scenery, and then church and our Christingle service. The countryside was so divinely beautiful. There were many patches when it was possible to see how the world would have looked two hundred years ago for even though we are so close to central London there was nothing to see but fields, ancient woodland, animals and medieval farms.
Then to the Christingle service and felt really emotional as was back in the church lit purely by candles for the first time since last Christmas day. The vicar informed us that although Christingle has become synonymous with Advent, it was quite appropriate to celebrate it during the month of the Epiphany (January). The theme was the work of the Children's Society and was humbled by the tales of their ceaseless work on behalf of young people in hardship. Looked at the happy, safe and loved children of our village in the congregation, and compared their existence with the deprivation and neglect experienced by the children of our nation but in reality of another world, and was humbled. Stifled back the tears when the junior choir of H, C and R's school sang and was transported back to my babies being young, was it really so long ago.
Grabbed an orange (representing the world), with a red ribbon wrapped around it (for love), and four sticks stuck into it (for the points of the compass), each holding sweets or fruit (symbolising food and nourishment for the coming year), with a lit candle sitting atop (the light shining through the darkness), and said a prayer that the life could be so for everyone.
No news from either H, C or R so hopefully all's well and they're in good form.
Back to work tomorrow. Hurrah. Definitely like being a busy, challenged person to an introspective, under-occupied void locked in the house all day.
Thank you Lord.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
Tragically it would seem that two hundred thousand people could have perished in the Haitian earthquake making it one of the ten most deadly of its kind ever.
The day has been thankfully busy, morning coffee with friends, walk in the glorious snow-free sunshine in the most seductive scenery, and then church and our Christingle service. The countryside was so divinely beautiful. There were many patches when it was possible to see how the world would have looked two hundred years ago for even though we are so close to central London there was nothing to see but fields, ancient woodland, animals and medieval farms.
Then to the Christingle service and felt really emotional as was back in the church lit purely by candles for the first time since last Christmas day. The vicar informed us that although Christingle has become synonymous with Advent, it was quite appropriate to celebrate it during the month of the Epiphany (January). The theme was the work of the Children's Society and was humbled by the tales of their ceaseless work on behalf of young people in hardship. Looked at the happy, safe and loved children of our village in the congregation, and compared their existence with the deprivation and neglect experienced by the children of our nation but in reality of another world, and was humbled. Stifled back the tears when the junior choir of H, C and R's school sang and was transported back to my babies being young, was it really so long ago.
Grabbed an orange (representing the world), with a red ribbon wrapped around it (for love), and four sticks stuck into it (for the points of the compass), each holding sweets or fruit (symbolising food and nourishment for the coming year), with a lit candle sitting atop (the light shining through the darkness), and said a prayer that the life could be so for everyone.
No news from either H, C or R so hopefully all's well and they're in good form.
Back to work tomorrow. Hurrah. Definitely like being a busy, challenged person to an introspective, under-occupied void locked in the house all day.
Thank you Lord.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
Saturday 16 January 2010
Day 105 Week 14
Two soldiers from 3 Battalion the Rifles Battle Group based in Edinburgh were killed by an IED explosion yesterday whilst on foot patrol in Sangin. May their souls and the souls of all the faithful departed Rest in Peace.
The families have asked for a period of grace before any more details are released.
C mercifully safe at this moment, as far as I know.
Not appropriate to say anything else just now. Just send lots of prayers to the fallen, their lamenting kin and the comrades left behind still fighting on behalf of their memory.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
The families have asked for a period of grace before any more details are released.
C mercifully safe at this moment, as far as I know.
Not appropriate to say anything else just now. Just send lots of prayers to the fallen, their lamenting kin and the comrades left behind still fighting on behalf of their memory.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
Friday 15 January 2010
Day 104 Week 14
Well at last the snow has retired and I have a path a half a lawn again. Went euphorically out of the house this afternoon and down to my doctor's, and it was wonderful. Still a tenacious remnant clinging on but let's hope the old saying of 'some stays behind to welcome the next fall' doesn't apply.
Our local constabulary, affectionately known as 'Happy Valley' by our neighbours the Metropolitan Police Force, were unfortunately caught on camera sledging in Oxford on their riot shields, and they were on duty. Somehow find that quite comforting that in these days of rigid conformity there's still a place for fun, well provided there wasn't a stream of untackled crime festering away in the background. H, C and R found it extremely embarrassing when our house featured in the background on one of those real-life crime documentaries when a nearby flat was raided by Special Branch. Those were the days.
Saw a documentary on the tv and apparently people were healthier and had a better diet under rationing during WW2 than at any time before or since. Isn't that ironic, we now have children who have endless access to as much convenience food as they wish, and they actually show signs of malnutrition whilst simultaneously suffering from obesity. As a product of the nineteen fifties it seems incredible that the war began over seventy years ago, my early childhood memories resemble those grainy grey images on the old pathe news bulletins, and who would have thought we really were better off. Maybe we never have had it so good as in those times.
The poor victims of the Haiti earthquake are now descending into anarchy with looting and violence commonplace on top of everything else.
No news from Afghanistan so hoping for business as usual and no new developments. Heard from H and he's having a ball on the piste. I'm under orders to record the history of the Royal Navy tonight, lots of gung-ho what a jolly island nation we are, and where would we be without Nelson, and keel-ho-mi-hardies no doubt. H competed in his first race today and he didn't win but he didn't crash either. Not heard from R so hoping all's well there too.
Spectacular eclipse across Asia and Africa, the longest in length for over a thousand years. The ancients believed such an omen meant new beginnings and nothing but good, so let's hope a little of the old magic still applies.
More prayers for the safe keeping of loved ones.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
Our local constabulary, affectionately known as 'Happy Valley' by our neighbours the Metropolitan Police Force, were unfortunately caught on camera sledging in Oxford on their riot shields, and they were on duty. Somehow find that quite comforting that in these days of rigid conformity there's still a place for fun, well provided there wasn't a stream of untackled crime festering away in the background. H, C and R found it extremely embarrassing when our house featured in the background on one of those real-life crime documentaries when a nearby flat was raided by Special Branch. Those were the days.
Saw a documentary on the tv and apparently people were healthier and had a better diet under rationing during WW2 than at any time before or since. Isn't that ironic, we now have children who have endless access to as much convenience food as they wish, and they actually show signs of malnutrition whilst simultaneously suffering from obesity. As a product of the nineteen fifties it seems incredible that the war began over seventy years ago, my early childhood memories resemble those grainy grey images on the old pathe news bulletins, and who would have thought we really were better off. Maybe we never have had it so good as in those times.
The poor victims of the Haiti earthquake are now descending into anarchy with looting and violence commonplace on top of everything else.
No news from Afghanistan so hoping for business as usual and no new developments. Heard from H and he's having a ball on the piste. I'm under orders to record the history of the Royal Navy tonight, lots of gung-ho what a jolly island nation we are, and where would we be without Nelson, and keel-ho-mi-hardies no doubt. H competed in his first race today and he didn't win but he didn't crash either. Not heard from R so hoping all's well there too.
Spectacular eclipse across Asia and Africa, the longest in length for over a thousand years. The ancients believed such an omen meant new beginnings and nothing but good, so let's hope a little of the old magic still applies.
More prayers for the safe keeping of loved ones.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
Thursday 14 January 2010
Day 103 Week 14
Fellow soldier's Mum's moral has dipped too - is it the time of year? Is it the length of the tour so far? Is it the weather? Each passing day with no news is wonderful, but that little voice in the back of your mind always pops up and says "Can it carry on like this? Will it really be alright in the end?". Please Lord it can and will be so.
Good news and it looks as if the snow really is melting. Milder weather blowing in so should be able to attempt second re-entry next week. About time too. Solitude and contemplation are not good bedfellows for anxiety and fear and they have the effect of bringing the worst out in each other. Too much time to dwell and not enough duties to fulfil makes jack a dull lad, to mix the metaphor, and am really looking forward to being in the thick of it with plenty of mental stimulation and lots to do. Been doing my physio but there are only so many times you can walk up and down the sitting room floor so consequently not been using my ankle for much weight bearing, hope it behaves itself when called to do so. All will be fine this time dv. Positive mental attitude.
Those poor Haitians. Absolutely dreadful damage and loss of life. Will make a donation to Oxfam, won't be as much as I'd like because I'm officially one of the poor of this nation, which means I am blessed with wealth on an unimaginable scale compared to those poor islanders. If everyone gives something then we'll make a difference.
H possibly a ski champion, or possibly not. Still don't understand how on earth he blagged his way into that, just hope he survives intact. R's friend collected bag of emergency clothing for weekend of fun. And I'm going to colour my hair ready for going back to work on Monday. Hurrah.
Saw the funeral on the News of the young Rifleman from Kent and his family looked utterly bewildered, he was just eighteen. No news from C so yet more prayers for his guardianship, and that of his comrades.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
Good news and it looks as if the snow really is melting. Milder weather blowing in so should be able to attempt second re-entry next week. About time too. Solitude and contemplation are not good bedfellows for anxiety and fear and they have the effect of bringing the worst out in each other. Too much time to dwell and not enough duties to fulfil makes jack a dull lad, to mix the metaphor, and am really looking forward to being in the thick of it with plenty of mental stimulation and lots to do. Been doing my physio but there are only so many times you can walk up and down the sitting room floor so consequently not been using my ankle for much weight bearing, hope it behaves itself when called to do so. All will be fine this time dv. Positive mental attitude.
Those poor Haitians. Absolutely dreadful damage and loss of life. Will make a donation to Oxfam, won't be as much as I'd like because I'm officially one of the poor of this nation, which means I am blessed with wealth on an unimaginable scale compared to those poor islanders. If everyone gives something then we'll make a difference.
H possibly a ski champion, or possibly not. Still don't understand how on earth he blagged his way into that, just hope he survives intact. R's friend collected bag of emergency clothing for weekend of fun. And I'm going to colour my hair ready for going back to work on Monday. Hurrah.
Saw the funeral on the News of the young Rifleman from Kent and his family looked utterly bewildered, he was just eighteen. No news from C so yet more prayers for his guardianship, and that of his comrades.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
Wednesday 13 January 2010
Day 102 Week 14
Another bomb disposal expert was killed on Monday, may be RIP. He'd only just returned from the UK as he had actually been injured before and so had recently rejoined his unit after two months recovery at home. He obviously didn't hesitate to return and place himself back in jeopardy so that he could save others though. His wife spoke of how he wasn't just a brave hero but also her best friend. Monday didn't just claim one soldier though, and in total six NATO personnel were killed and goodness only knows how many Afghans, and we have no idea about total injuries military and civilian. Oh it's such a violent mess with trails of devastation in every direction.
Then Haiti has experienced the most dreadful earthquake and the island is so ill-equipped to cope. It's officially the poorest nation in the developed world and the images of total destruction and lack of services to deal with the crisis are harrowing. There are no rescue services, no medical services, no water , no food, no resources to call upon, no shelter, no power, no equipment, nothing. The wounded lying in broken dirt quietly whimpering, only their eyes betray their bravery. Nature can be wonderful but it can be viciously cruel as well.
And in Buckinghamshire we have more snow. Thaw de-materialised and instead of a reprieve a good five inches fell last night with more inevitable chaos, and it's just started to snow again. Kind neighbours have gone to the shop for basics for me and want my life back to normal please. Actually regardless of the snow that's precisely how I feel at the moment, just want my life back to normal. Everything's so unfamiliar and strange and don't like the feeling of insecurity that is never far from the surface all the time. Want things simple again, but then I suppose the old adage "I want never gets" applies.
Heard from H and had a faux row with him, at least should have done but accidentally sent it as a group text instead. Must remember never to text in the dark with no glasses on. He's loving the Championships and competes in a race tomorrow, all being well. Heard from R and more snow's hit London too. Am expecting two of her friends to come and collect clothes for the weekend as she has nothing to wear, apparently. Not heard from C so cliche I know but clinging on by fingernails to no news still meaning good news.
Keep everyone safe please Lord.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
Then Haiti has experienced the most dreadful earthquake and the island is so ill-equipped to cope. It's officially the poorest nation in the developed world and the images of total destruction and lack of services to deal with the crisis are harrowing. There are no rescue services, no medical services, no water , no food, no resources to call upon, no shelter, no power, no equipment, nothing. The wounded lying in broken dirt quietly whimpering, only their eyes betray their bravery. Nature can be wonderful but it can be viciously cruel as well.
And in Buckinghamshire we have more snow. Thaw de-materialised and instead of a reprieve a good five inches fell last night with more inevitable chaos, and it's just started to snow again. Kind neighbours have gone to the shop for basics for me and want my life back to normal please. Actually regardless of the snow that's precisely how I feel at the moment, just want my life back to normal. Everything's so unfamiliar and strange and don't like the feeling of insecurity that is never far from the surface all the time. Want things simple again, but then I suppose the old adage "I want never gets" applies.
Heard from H and had a faux row with him, at least should have done but accidentally sent it as a group text instead. Must remember never to text in the dark with no glasses on. He's loving the Championships and competes in a race tomorrow, all being well. Heard from R and more snow's hit London too. Am expecting two of her friends to come and collect clothes for the weekend as she has nothing to wear, apparently. Not heard from C so cliche I know but clinging on by fingernails to no news still meaning good news.
Keep everyone safe please Lord.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
Tuesday 12 January 2010
Day 101 Week 14
Always aware of the tally of passing days and just hope each one that we're blessed with doesn't become the harbinger of tumultuous change.
Do not feel as overly anxious as yesterday thank goodness, but still no appetite. Flip side being it's quite nice not have to bother about what is eaten, to the contrary have just forced-fed self with cup of soup and an apple. Better than yesterday though, couldn't face anything. Wonder why it happens like this, there's a random lottery and it's impossible to estimate the probability of a day being sickening or really quite manageable.
See that the first trial to be held in England without a jury is now in session at the Royal Courts of Justice. The reason being there is a quantifiable concern that the jury would be in danger of being threatened and nobbled. Still find it quite alarming that a right which was endowed by the Magna Charta can be casually overturned by yet another criminal justice bill in 2007. As our constitution is unwritten and it is Parliament which is sovereign and we are not blessed with inalienable rights, our freedom is based on the premise of the checks and balances which the evolved separation of powers provides. Not sure the judiciary sitting in the role of jury goes along with the spirit of everything we hold dear. Absolute power corrupts absolutely, but let's hope not in this instance.
Still confined to barracks but at least it looks as if the snow really is melting now. Had another attempt at my path and as my left ankle has such restricted movement and I have a flat-footed gait which lacks flexibility, it felt completely perilous. Snow, snow go away.
Heard from friends and fellow soldier's mum and their support means everything. Not heard from H so presuming RN Ski Championship going well. R back at uni and brown-paper wrapped another parcel out to the front line with the inevitable emotional farewell.
Bring him home safe please Lord. Actually please bring all of them home safe.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
Do not feel as overly anxious as yesterday thank goodness, but still no appetite. Flip side being it's quite nice not have to bother about what is eaten, to the contrary have just forced-fed self with cup of soup and an apple. Better than yesterday though, couldn't face anything. Wonder why it happens like this, there's a random lottery and it's impossible to estimate the probability of a day being sickening or really quite manageable.
See that the first trial to be held in England without a jury is now in session at the Royal Courts of Justice. The reason being there is a quantifiable concern that the jury would be in danger of being threatened and nobbled. Still find it quite alarming that a right which was endowed by the Magna Charta can be casually overturned by yet another criminal justice bill in 2007. As our constitution is unwritten and it is Parliament which is sovereign and we are not blessed with inalienable rights, our freedom is based on the premise of the checks and balances which the evolved separation of powers provides. Not sure the judiciary sitting in the role of jury goes along with the spirit of everything we hold dear. Absolute power corrupts absolutely, but let's hope not in this instance.
Still confined to barracks but at least it looks as if the snow really is melting now. Had another attempt at my path and as my left ankle has such restricted movement and I have a flat-footed gait which lacks flexibility, it felt completely perilous. Snow, snow go away.
Heard from friends and fellow soldier's mum and their support means everything. Not heard from H so presuming RN Ski Championship going well. R back at uni and brown-paper wrapped another parcel out to the front line with the inevitable emotional farewell.
Bring him home safe please Lord. Actually please bring all of them home safe.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
Monday 11 January 2010
Day 100 Week 14
One hundred days. Symbolic landmarks have no practical significance whatsoever yet we cling to them as having resonance.
Not so much cracking as buckling at the moment, things not being helped by the dratted weather. Remind myself of H's words about C not wanting his career choice create fallout of misery in those he's nearest and dearest to, but just miss him so much and am back to feeling sick with worry again.
A close friend has just left and it was so good to see her. She's quietly reassuring and very calm and said lots of positive things, but am literally consumed with panic and terror. R has gone back to uni and yesterday she bought the requested items for a parcel for C and just wish the constant nausea would go away. Cannot divert the mind from anxiety. It's like it's week one all over again. Must get a grip.
Hopefully the weather is going to improve and there might be a thaw on the way. H still in the Alps and R hopefully safely ensconced back at uni.
No news from C and usual request for Divine support, please.
Definitely must try and get a grip.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
Not so much cracking as buckling at the moment, things not being helped by the dratted weather. Remind myself of H's words about C not wanting his career choice create fallout of misery in those he's nearest and dearest to, but just miss him so much and am back to feeling sick with worry again.
A close friend has just left and it was so good to see her. She's quietly reassuring and very calm and said lots of positive things, but am literally consumed with panic and terror. R has gone back to uni and yesterday she bought the requested items for a parcel for C and just wish the constant nausea would go away. Cannot divert the mind from anxiety. It's like it's week one all over again. Must get a grip.
Hopefully the weather is going to improve and there might be a thaw on the way. H still in the Alps and R hopefully safely ensconced back at uni.
No news from C and usual request for Divine support, please.
Definitely must try and get a grip.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
Sunday 10 January 2010
Day 99 Week 14
St Paul said despair is the enemy of hope. Very wise words indeed, trouble is how to control the destructive nature of desperation from taking over everything in its midst.
Feel tearful again. Don't know why. Admittedly finding weather frustrating and knocked a bit by big re-entry into human race lasting no more than two days, and it could be in my imagination but the house does seem to be becoming smaller every day, but just feel sad. And to cap it all it's snowing again.
Had a call from C and the elation of conversation exhumed the moment the call ends. He's fine (thank God), he's busy, the ANA he's working with now are awesome - apparently the last lot were not of the same calibre as these, he would like some tablets that you put in water and they give you energy, some pringles, some chocolate and cigarettes. They're still a split platoon but should be amalgamated in the coming weeks dv and they're still living out in the countryside. He's not allowed to go into detail about what they're actually doing (obviously really) and he can't confirm the date of his leave over the telephone. Keep up the good work please Lord.
Then my dear friend sent me the uplifting story of the dog that C company 3 Rifles has adopted. He's a black Labrador and the troops have made him their own and he never leaves their side. Fire fighting doesn't daunt him and he runs between the bullets, wagging his tail, boosting the moral of all around. Problem is because of the massive increase in the number of IEDs there's a danger he could become the victim of an explosion so they're trying to find a new, safe home for him. Dogs and dynamite, what a juxtaposition.
Then saw that a journalist was killed and those who knew him spoke highly of his integrity. He leaves a wife and three young children behind.
H back skiing in the Alps, this time at the Naval Ski Championships - goodness knows how he wangled himself into that. R with her boyfriend at his mother's birthday party. And I just want to curl up into a ball and have my missing baby home safe.
More prayers and requests for protection.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
Feel tearful again. Don't know why. Admittedly finding weather frustrating and knocked a bit by big re-entry into human race lasting no more than two days, and it could be in my imagination but the house does seem to be becoming smaller every day, but just feel sad. And to cap it all it's snowing again.
Had a call from C and the elation of conversation exhumed the moment the call ends. He's fine (thank God), he's busy, the ANA he's working with now are awesome - apparently the last lot were not of the same calibre as these, he would like some tablets that you put in water and they give you energy, some pringles, some chocolate and cigarettes. They're still a split platoon but should be amalgamated in the coming weeks dv and they're still living out in the countryside. He's not allowed to go into detail about what they're actually doing (obviously really) and he can't confirm the date of his leave over the telephone. Keep up the good work please Lord.
Then my dear friend sent me the uplifting story of the dog that C company 3 Rifles has adopted. He's a black Labrador and the troops have made him their own and he never leaves their side. Fire fighting doesn't daunt him and he runs between the bullets, wagging his tail, boosting the moral of all around. Problem is because of the massive increase in the number of IEDs there's a danger he could become the victim of an explosion so they're trying to find a new, safe home for him. Dogs and dynamite, what a juxtaposition.
Then saw that a journalist was killed and those who knew him spoke highly of his integrity. He leaves a wife and three young children behind.
H back skiing in the Alps, this time at the Naval Ski Championships - goodness knows how he wangled himself into that. R with her boyfriend at his mother's birthday party. And I just want to curl up into a ball and have my missing baby home safe.
More prayers and requests for protection.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
Saturday 9 January 2010
Day 98 Week 13
I blame Bernard Cornwall. Ever since he was a small child C was obsessed with Sharpe. Sharpe this, Sharpe that, Sharpe the other. It's no coincidence that Richard Sharpe was a Rifleman and so is C. My little boy took every one of the ripping yarns as God's own truth, never once being aware of the concept of poetic licence. C was oblivious to the practicalities of chronology and the fact that it was physically impossible for Sharpe to have attended all the battles and skirmishes he was credited with, he even found himself with Nelson at Trafalgar for goodness sake. Let alone the miraculous developments in nineteenth century medicine which meant Sharpe survived all his near fatal injuries. No, as far as C was concerned, Sharpe was the real deal and now my own little Rifleman is running around in conditions which closely resemble the era and geography of the Peninsular War. Please keep him safe Lord.
Still the dreaded snow and more on its way.
A friend just rang and she's popping up later for a glass of wine and she's good company so am really looking forward to that. Then another good friend did a load of shopping for me earlier on so have enough basic supplies to last a few days at least. Then another couple of friend's rang from work to see how I was coping and yet again am reminded of the kindness and compassion of human nature at its best. Wish everyone in the world was as altruistic then most of the problems and discord would evaporate overnight.
There's a new strand of psychology which developed at the end of the last century called 'positive psychology'. Basically it means instead at looking at what is wrong with your lot and what you desperately want to change or improve, you constantly remind yourself of the good you've done, what is really to be cherished and how lucky you are to be in that position. An exercise to reinforce this sense of well-being is at the end of each day, recall three things which promote happiness and contentment. Must give it a go. I suppose it means instead of thinking 'oh my God C's in constant danger and there are scores of people running around trying to kill him and he may be horrifically injured at any moment', I have to focus on 'C's done really well, he's worked so hard and he's doing the only thing he's ever wanted to do and who knows with the Grace of God he could be as lucky as Richard Sharpe'. Not convinced it's worked yet but will continue to persevere.
Fellow soldier's mum on the mend and looking forward to her boy's leave. R administering TLC to a close friend with a broken heart. H loving Dartmouth and I'm going to have a lovely, lazy, deep bath because my backside is so bruised that's all I can face.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
Still the dreaded snow and more on its way.
A friend just rang and she's popping up later for a glass of wine and she's good company so am really looking forward to that. Then another good friend did a load of shopping for me earlier on so have enough basic supplies to last a few days at least. Then another couple of friend's rang from work to see how I was coping and yet again am reminded of the kindness and compassion of human nature at its best. Wish everyone in the world was as altruistic then most of the problems and discord would evaporate overnight.
There's a new strand of psychology which developed at the end of the last century called 'positive psychology'. Basically it means instead at looking at what is wrong with your lot and what you desperately want to change or improve, you constantly remind yourself of the good you've done, what is really to be cherished and how lucky you are to be in that position. An exercise to reinforce this sense of well-being is at the end of each day, recall three things which promote happiness and contentment. Must give it a go. I suppose it means instead of thinking 'oh my God C's in constant danger and there are scores of people running around trying to kill him and he may be horrifically injured at any moment', I have to focus on 'C's done really well, he's worked so hard and he's doing the only thing he's ever wanted to do and who knows with the Grace of God he could be as lucky as Richard Sharpe'. Not convinced it's worked yet but will continue to persevere.
Fellow soldier's mum on the mend and looking forward to her boy's leave. R administering TLC to a close friend with a broken heart. H loving Dartmouth and I'm going to have a lovely, lazy, deep bath because my backside is so bruised that's all I can face.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
Friday 8 January 2010
Day 97 Week 13
Day 3 of the big lock-in and my home becoming a prison. More of the same expected over the weekend and everyone's extremely fed up.
Saw the long-term weather forecast and it basically said this was just the beginning, so decided I had to face the fear and leave the house to test the ice-worthiness of dodgy ankle. Gingerly made my way up the garden to the footpath, and then suddenly and without any warning spectacular non-Torvil and Dean impersonation followed as feet skidded outwards in opposite directions and ended up thumping the ground with my bum. God it was painful. Sat there like a lemon and couldn't decide which hurt most, backside or pride. Then the attempted erection of self was equally humiliating as had to crawl to an object and use it as a mounting block, in this case the water hydrant and hedge. Promptly scuttled back indoors and am back to looking at the world through the window. Have had several breath-taking falls in my time but it never gets any easier.
BTM still throbbing and am sitting on several cushions and think I might have to lie down and take the weight off it. There doesn't seem to be any end to all this.
As I haven't been able to leave the house have been totally reliant on others to bring in supplies. R's been fantastic. She pluckily trudges through the ice to the local shop and returns with bread, milk, loo rolls, teabags or whatever should be required. Those four are certainly the absolute staples of modern living when bunkered up.
One of the drawbacks to all this is that I haven't been able to send my weekly parcel out to C and that's troubling me alot. Feel I'm actually doing something to help him when one is kissed, hugged, posted and dispatched. His friends told me he now has a date for his R and R two weeks home (God willing). He let everyone else in the Platoon choose theirs first and it means he got the last slot, so when he returns he should only be back out there for another month (again more God willing). All being well, it will be hard to see him return to it all again.
Had a text from H and he said he's good and will ring home at the weekend dv. R out with friends as she should be back at uni next week, well provided the ice-cap has receded. Apart from being extremely sore am devastated by totally disastrous return to work and feel like I'm going round the twist again.
What can't be cured must be endured.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
Saw the long-term weather forecast and it basically said this was just the beginning, so decided I had to face the fear and leave the house to test the ice-worthiness of dodgy ankle. Gingerly made my way up the garden to the footpath, and then suddenly and without any warning spectacular non-Torvil and Dean impersonation followed as feet skidded outwards in opposite directions and ended up thumping the ground with my bum. God it was painful. Sat there like a lemon and couldn't decide which hurt most, backside or pride. Then the attempted erection of self was equally humiliating as had to crawl to an object and use it as a mounting block, in this case the water hydrant and hedge. Promptly scuttled back indoors and am back to looking at the world through the window. Have had several breath-taking falls in my time but it never gets any easier.
BTM still throbbing and am sitting on several cushions and think I might have to lie down and take the weight off it. There doesn't seem to be any end to all this.
As I haven't been able to leave the house have been totally reliant on others to bring in supplies. R's been fantastic. She pluckily trudges through the ice to the local shop and returns with bread, milk, loo rolls, teabags or whatever should be required. Those four are certainly the absolute staples of modern living when bunkered up.
One of the drawbacks to all this is that I haven't been able to send my weekly parcel out to C and that's troubling me alot. Feel I'm actually doing something to help him when one is kissed, hugged, posted and dispatched. His friends told me he now has a date for his R and R two weeks home (God willing). He let everyone else in the Platoon choose theirs first and it means he got the last slot, so when he returns he should only be back out there for another month (again more God willing). All being well, it will be hard to see him return to it all again.
Had a text from H and he said he's good and will ring home at the weekend dv. R out with friends as she should be back at uni next week, well provided the ice-cap has receded. Apart from being extremely sore am devastated by totally disastrous return to work and feel like I'm going round the twist again.
What can't be cured must be endured.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
Thursday 7 January 2010
Day 96 Week 13
Britain in the grip of the big freeze and the nation's gone into meltdown.
Running out of provisions in the shops, little salt and grit left for the roads, pavements deathly, power cuts, travel mayhem, hospitals turning non-emergencies away as so stretched, people sleeping in airports, cars abandoned on closed roads and last night the temperature hit minus eighteen in Benson, which is about twenty odd miles away as the crow flies from our village. The environmentally despised four-wheel-drive is now the welcome guest of services unable to deliver to the needy with councils begging volunteers to assist them should they be an owner. The weather is expected to continue like this for most of January and am beginning to think those panic-buying the other evening were extremely sensible and wish I'd joined in. Welcome to the second decade of the twenty-first century.
See the good people of Wooton Bassett have found themselves embroiled in a political storm not of their making. A group which purports to represent the civilian victims of violence during the Iraq and Afghan wars wishes to march through the streets of the town to highlight their cause. As a student of nineteenth century history, with the importance of social unrest as a means of forcing reform upon an establishment based upon suppression of the masses, and an entrenched elitism derived from power and ownership of land pre the industrial revolution, I have always been an avid supporter of the right to peaceful protest. But cannot help but think this gesture is not one of protest but one of provocation.
The townsfolk of WB have always stressed that their silent vigil was devoid of any political overtones, and that the population had many differing views on the justification of the wars, but theirs was a reaction to the loss of a soul serving on their behalf as a member of our armed forces. Discussed this with H who said he wished the march did not go ahead as it would be seen to be offensive. He also said he was glad to live in a country where extreme views which were contrary to the keystones of our belief system were tolerated, as opposed to the citizens uttering them being persecuted or worse, and that was what C and everybody else was fighting and dying for.
Amnesty International is one of my chosen charities and compared to many nation states we are so blessed with our unenshrined right to freedom of speech, and unfortunately the flip side to that means we have to accept when those wishing to remove it use it.
Evil prospers when good men do nothing.
No news from H but believe the west country under the snow too. R out with friends. No news from C so more prayers and positive reinforcement.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
Running out of provisions in the shops, little salt and grit left for the roads, pavements deathly, power cuts, travel mayhem, hospitals turning non-emergencies away as so stretched, people sleeping in airports, cars abandoned on closed roads and last night the temperature hit minus eighteen in Benson, which is about twenty odd miles away as the crow flies from our village. The environmentally despised four-wheel-drive is now the welcome guest of services unable to deliver to the needy with councils begging volunteers to assist them should they be an owner. The weather is expected to continue like this for most of January and am beginning to think those panic-buying the other evening were extremely sensible and wish I'd joined in. Welcome to the second decade of the twenty-first century.
See the good people of Wooton Bassett have found themselves embroiled in a political storm not of their making. A group which purports to represent the civilian victims of violence during the Iraq and Afghan wars wishes to march through the streets of the town to highlight their cause. As a student of nineteenth century history, with the importance of social unrest as a means of forcing reform upon an establishment based upon suppression of the masses, and an entrenched elitism derived from power and ownership of land pre the industrial revolution, I have always been an avid supporter of the right to peaceful protest. But cannot help but think this gesture is not one of protest but one of provocation.
The townsfolk of WB have always stressed that their silent vigil was devoid of any political overtones, and that the population had many differing views on the justification of the wars, but theirs was a reaction to the loss of a soul serving on their behalf as a member of our armed forces. Discussed this with H who said he wished the march did not go ahead as it would be seen to be offensive. He also said he was glad to live in a country where extreme views which were contrary to the keystones of our belief system were tolerated, as opposed to the citizens uttering them being persecuted or worse, and that was what C and everybody else was fighting and dying for.
Amnesty International is one of my chosen charities and compared to many nation states we are so blessed with our unenshrined right to freedom of speech, and unfortunately the flip side to that means we have to accept when those wishing to remove it use it.
Evil prospers when good men do nothing.
No news from H but believe the west country under the snow too. R out with friends. No news from C so more prayers and positive reinforcement.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
Wednesday 6 January 2010
Day 95 Week 13
Well, the best laid plans of mice and men. Day three of the return to work and normality and it's all gone horrendously wrong as am snowed in with a good ten inches worth lying on the ground, consequently am housebound yet again. Weather no longer Alpine but Siberian. Worst patch to hit the UK for fifty years so the experts say, but not wishing to be pedantic feel it is actually forty-seven, because I can remember 1963 and playing in the snow drifts when my brother and I both had chickenpox. This particular spell is expected to last up to a week, with the snow being compounded by fiercely low temperatures and severe frosts. What's happening?
Musing on disastrous ending of sick leave when there's suddenly an unexpected knock at the door, which always precipitates a moment's unease. Agitation increases when I see through the glass two men standing on my doorstep. Deep breath and open the door only for concerns to evaporate immediately as there are five of C's closest friends including his gorgeous girlfriend (K). They have been sledging on the common and tumble through the door covered in the white stuff and lots of hugging and kissing ensues. So good to see them.
Lots of talk with E in the kitchen while we make tea as he is also in the army and had spoken to C yesterday. With all the nonchalant confidence of a serving soldier he told me C was fine and that he'd been back to the main base for a few days as he had to write a report on something but had returned to his FOB (forward operating base) yesterday. Easy charm and lack of concern momentarily infectious and feel reassured by his optimism dv.
Then the six of us sit in the sitting room for over an hour discussing Afghanistan and reminiscing happier days and times of fun. So, so good to see them all. K finding it hard and missing C but he rings her as often as he can and she is so sweet and lovely I'm sure she helps him cope. E back off out to Afghanistan in October and he's doing some assessment procedure soon for something which sounds very dangerous and scary but he regards it with nothing but excitement.
E and J tell me that there is a testimonial written by C on the MoD and BBC websites for the poor lad he lost and they promptly show it to me. Am swept aside by pride and sorrow as I see the photograph of the boy and read C's words. Find it difficult to believe I'm really reading something my boy has written about another mother's son and it's so heartbreaking. God bless them all.
Mood lifts when I tell them all about H and Dartmouth and the photos come out and it's back to a lighter tone. C never, ever, very far away but he somehow feels closer when they're all here.
Not heard from H so hoping all fine there. R at the pub with friends as there's a strange sort of holiday vibe going around as a result of the weather. Not heard from C but briefly felt him with us this afternoon, more prayers and requests for intervention. The snow has just stopped and in all honesty don't think where I live has ever looked so beautiful.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mumx
Musing on disastrous ending of sick leave when there's suddenly an unexpected knock at the door, which always precipitates a moment's unease. Agitation increases when I see through the glass two men standing on my doorstep. Deep breath and open the door only for concerns to evaporate immediately as there are five of C's closest friends including his gorgeous girlfriend (K). They have been sledging on the common and tumble through the door covered in the white stuff and lots of hugging and kissing ensues. So good to see them.
Lots of talk with E in the kitchen while we make tea as he is also in the army and had spoken to C yesterday. With all the nonchalant confidence of a serving soldier he told me C was fine and that he'd been back to the main base for a few days as he had to write a report on something but had returned to his FOB (forward operating base) yesterday. Easy charm and lack of concern momentarily infectious and feel reassured by his optimism dv.
Then the six of us sit in the sitting room for over an hour discussing Afghanistan and reminiscing happier days and times of fun. So, so good to see them all. K finding it hard and missing C but he rings her as often as he can and she is so sweet and lovely I'm sure she helps him cope. E back off out to Afghanistan in October and he's doing some assessment procedure soon for something which sounds very dangerous and scary but he regards it with nothing but excitement.
E and J tell me that there is a testimonial written by C on the MoD and BBC websites for the poor lad he lost and they promptly show it to me. Am swept aside by pride and sorrow as I see the photograph of the boy and read C's words. Find it difficult to believe I'm really reading something my boy has written about another mother's son and it's so heartbreaking. God bless them all.
Mood lifts when I tell them all about H and Dartmouth and the photos come out and it's back to a lighter tone. C never, ever, very far away but he somehow feels closer when they're all here.
Not heard from H so hoping all fine there. R at the pub with friends as there's a strange sort of holiday vibe going around as a result of the weather. Not heard from C but briefly felt him with us this afternoon, more prayers and requests for intervention. The snow has just stopped and in all honesty don't think where I live has ever looked so beautiful.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mumx
Tuesday 5 January 2010
Day 94 Week 13
Went to work and had a really good day. Arrived in the morning still feeling a bit disorientated but then sorted out e-mails and started to feel like I belonged again. Interview with boss who's amazing - strict but extremely fair and supportive - and then joy of joy spent a couple of hours shredding. Shredding is definitely one of life's treasured secrets, can't possibly describe the satisfaction gained from inserting the pristine little sheets into the devilish teeth only to have them pulverised in nanoseconds. Needless to say in my head sometimes it wasn't paper I was destroying.
Then double joy of joy when a gorgeous friend asked if I would like to go and see the Soldier's with them at the Albert Hall in April and was completely blown away.
Went to the park at lunchtime with my buddy to get some fresh air and it was so cold and biting. A huge flurry of excitement swept the office because our area has been put on an extreme weather warning with up to a foot of snow possibly falling by the morning. Snow is always tantalizing in concept - it's just the reality that's a pain in the neck.
Anyway drove home in the dark as is the way during the winter months. Only get to see my house in daylight at the weekend for many days a year - it's like becoming a mole scurrying around in the gloom. Arrived back in the village and popped into Budgen's for a few basics so I didn't have to go out later, and it was like a scene from an eve of war drama. Scores of people scrambling around for provisions with no milk, bread, hardly any meet or veg and metres of empty shelving. Panic buying. Was concerned because I thought they said the snow would last for two to three days and maybe all those people knew something I didn't, or maybe they were being sensible and I was being blase. Must have been in the shop for ten minutes at most and when I left I actually stood in the doorway and involuntarily blurted out 'where the bloody hell did that come from', for the previously dank, dreary car park had been transformed into a snow covered paradise. An inch of snow had fallen and settled within moments. Blinking in disbelief I gingerly trod back to my car and headed for home through Narnia as quickly as I could. This is definitely not normal.
Heard from fellow soldier's Mum and the poor lamb has a tooth infection but her son is safe and well thank goodness. Always worry when a lost one is announced without being named, not that another mother's world hasn't imploded though, for this boy was another nineteen year old. RIP please Lord.
Just cooked Italian meatballs for R, her boyfriend and myself. Not heard from H so hope warfare training going well. No news from C so more same old same old please Lord.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
Then double joy of joy when a gorgeous friend asked if I would like to go and see the Soldier's with them at the Albert Hall in April and was completely blown away.
Went to the park at lunchtime with my buddy to get some fresh air and it was so cold and biting. A huge flurry of excitement swept the office because our area has been put on an extreme weather warning with up to a foot of snow possibly falling by the morning. Snow is always tantalizing in concept - it's just the reality that's a pain in the neck.
Anyway drove home in the dark as is the way during the winter months. Only get to see my house in daylight at the weekend for many days a year - it's like becoming a mole scurrying around in the gloom. Arrived back in the village and popped into Budgen's for a few basics so I didn't have to go out later, and it was like a scene from an eve of war drama. Scores of people scrambling around for provisions with no milk, bread, hardly any meet or veg and metres of empty shelving. Panic buying. Was concerned because I thought they said the snow would last for two to three days and maybe all those people knew something I didn't, or maybe they were being sensible and I was being blase. Must have been in the shop for ten minutes at most and when I left I actually stood in the doorway and involuntarily blurted out 'where the bloody hell did that come from', for the previously dank, dreary car park had been transformed into a snow covered paradise. An inch of snow had fallen and settled within moments. Blinking in disbelief I gingerly trod back to my car and headed for home through Narnia as quickly as I could. This is definitely not normal.
Heard from fellow soldier's Mum and the poor lamb has a tooth infection but her son is safe and well thank goodness. Always worry when a lost one is announced without being named, not that another mother's world hasn't imploded though, for this boy was another nineteen year old. RIP please Lord.
Just cooked Italian meatballs for R, her boyfriend and myself. Not heard from H so hope warfare training going well. No news from C so more same old same old please Lord.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
Monday 4 January 2010
Day 93 Week 13
Well back to work and a complete shock to the system but so good to see everyone and be back in the thick of it. It did feel strange at first but everyone was so welcoming and it was much better to be busy all day than dwelling on horrendous possibilities. Not a day with students though so a gentle re-entry with lots of training and seminars. Then it was off to the hospital for more physio and ankle still 'locked' but apparently these things take time and so have more exercises to work on. Feel shattered tonight but glad to be back. The day clouded by the news of the unexpected passing of a friend and he was only in his fifties too. Very, very sad news indeed. God bless his soul.
Then I came home and saw on the news that another soldier had died whilst on foot patrol in Helmund. He was from the Royal Anglian Regiment and hasn't yet been named. Oh Lord how quickly we resume business as usual and may the poor soul RIP. It's so relentless and unrepenting just one more death after another.
H back in Dartmouth and loving it, R due home at about eight o'clock tonight and I'm going to have a lovely hot soak in the bath, put pyjamas on and snuggle down on the sofa. No news from C so thank you Lord. Freezing cold weather with lots of ice and the possibility of yet more snow tomorrow, we've definitely had enough of it now and want normal back.
Lots of prayers for loved ones not home and for those who have recently passed away.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
Then I came home and saw on the news that another soldier had died whilst on foot patrol in Helmund. He was from the Royal Anglian Regiment and hasn't yet been named. Oh Lord how quickly we resume business as usual and may the poor soul RIP. It's so relentless and unrepenting just one more death after another.
H back in Dartmouth and loving it, R due home at about eight o'clock tonight and I'm going to have a lovely hot soak in the bath, put pyjamas on and snuggle down on the sofa. No news from C so thank you Lord. Freezing cold weather with lots of ice and the possibility of yet more snow tomorrow, we've definitely had enough of it now and want normal back.
Lots of prayers for loved ones not home and for those who have recently passed away.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
Sunday 3 January 2010
Day 92 Week 13
Gosh twelve weeks completed and commencing the thirteenth. It never gets any easier though.
Glorious golden sunshine and freezing cold air and am going for a walk to take in some vitamin D. That's the one you get from sunlight or is it from carrots? Back to work tomorrow and am looking forward to being in the land of the living and amongst my wonderful colleagues but am aware that I feel a weird detachment from everything. Back to the parallel universe thing - normal life versus Afghanistan-tainted life.
Dinner with H was fabulous. Lots of catching up on conversation and inevitable analysis of C's situation. H puts on a brave face but I know he's just as scared as the rest of us, they're not just brothers but the cliched best friends and he admitted he never has C out of his mind for a moment. Then all H and C's friends turned up at the pub and lots of kissing and hugging followed. Sat talking to P, who's also in the army, and he's due to 'go out' in a couple of months. This will be his second tour and he said it's not so bad as it seems over here but I didn't really believe him. They're all so buoyant and optimistic, is that because of youth or are they slightly bonkers, in the nicest possible way. Probably a bit of both. Was escorted home and then R arrived and went out with them as it was H's last night home. God bless them all.
Arrived back home this afternoon after taking a lovely walk to visit C's honorary God Mother and washed my hair which I then dried it with my hairdryer. Well that was the theory anyway because no sooner had I switched the said electric appliance on than there was this huge blue flash, followed by a large bang and then the gentle purring was replaced by a screaming banshee. Froze for a second and then brain kicked in and I threw the possessed creature across the floor and quickly switched off the power. The air was filled with the acrid smell of burning electricity and I sat shaking on the bottom of the stairs. Oh my God it just goes to show that you never really do know when your number's going to come up and hope the guardian angel protects C with the same dedication and efficiency.
H has been taken to the station by his father as he's gone back to Dartmouth and R gone to her boyfriend's. No news from C, usual prayers offered. Keep up the good work please Lord.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
Glorious golden sunshine and freezing cold air and am going for a walk to take in some vitamin D. That's the one you get from sunlight or is it from carrots? Back to work tomorrow and am looking forward to being in the land of the living and amongst my wonderful colleagues but am aware that I feel a weird detachment from everything. Back to the parallel universe thing - normal life versus Afghanistan-tainted life.
Dinner with H was fabulous. Lots of catching up on conversation and inevitable analysis of C's situation. H puts on a brave face but I know he's just as scared as the rest of us, they're not just brothers but the cliched best friends and he admitted he never has C out of his mind for a moment. Then all H and C's friends turned up at the pub and lots of kissing and hugging followed. Sat talking to P, who's also in the army, and he's due to 'go out' in a couple of months. This will be his second tour and he said it's not so bad as it seems over here but I didn't really believe him. They're all so buoyant and optimistic, is that because of youth or are they slightly bonkers, in the nicest possible way. Probably a bit of both. Was escorted home and then R arrived and went out with them as it was H's last night home. God bless them all.
Arrived back home this afternoon after taking a lovely walk to visit C's honorary God Mother and washed my hair which I then dried it with my hairdryer. Well that was the theory anyway because no sooner had I switched the said electric appliance on than there was this huge blue flash, followed by a large bang and then the gentle purring was replaced by a screaming banshee. Froze for a second and then brain kicked in and I threw the possessed creature across the floor and quickly switched off the power. The air was filled with the acrid smell of burning electricity and I sat shaking on the bottom of the stairs. Oh my God it just goes to show that you never really do know when your number's going to come up and hope the guardian angel protects C with the same dedication and efficiency.
H has been taken to the station by his father as he's gone back to Dartmouth and R gone to her boyfriend's. No news from C, usual prayers offered. Keep up the good work please Lord.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
Saturday 2 January 2010
Day 91 Week 12
Fellow soldier's Mum pointed out that each day gone is another day nearer to them coming home dv. Must hold that thought.
The weather is glorious sunshine with freezing temperatures and more dreaded ice on the ground. Gritting lorries all over the place. They definitely daren't risk a repeat of the chaos before Christmas when so many people were stranded because apparently the wrong snow fell at the wrong time.
The gathering yesterday was brilliant, bangers and mash and lots of chatting and laughter, the merriment began at three and didn't get home until nine o'clock. The nickname I was awarded by my dear friends is 'Cinders' and scarily I've been given an ultimatum to meet Prince Charming pretty soon, or have been told in no uncertain terms they're going to find him for me. Oh dear.
H back from Scotland and enjoyed every minute of it. Lots of partying and drunken antics which I'm probably better not knowing about, alarmingly some of them seemed to include a kilt and underwear. He was gutted to miss a call from C while he was with his cousin but did speak to him the next day. Discussed C's disposition with H and he thought C was very upbeat and only sounded down because he had a cold. Hope that's the case.
Treat of treats H talking me out for dinner tonight and he's paying for the first time, quite a landmark moment for a mum. And then supposed to be going to a party afterwards but am wary of walking home on the ice in the wee small hours so might not go. The weather just isn't very British at the moment, everyone has had enough now and we all want it to revert to the usual bland, damp claggyness that is our expected winter. Wonder what it's like in Afghanistan and shudder to think.
Not heard anything from C and am very uneasy just now. Feel like this year is going to be a year of great change and truth be told am quite a creature of habit, and find the concept of unfamiliarity daunting. Still the only way to progress is to move upwards and so guess pushing the comfort zone is the only way to go. Hey-ho.
R with her boyfriend and it definitely feels like the holiday's over.
Lots of love and prayers for absent friends.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
The weather is glorious sunshine with freezing temperatures and more dreaded ice on the ground. Gritting lorries all over the place. They definitely daren't risk a repeat of the chaos before Christmas when so many people were stranded because apparently the wrong snow fell at the wrong time.
The gathering yesterday was brilliant, bangers and mash and lots of chatting and laughter, the merriment began at three and didn't get home until nine o'clock. The nickname I was awarded by my dear friends is 'Cinders' and scarily I've been given an ultimatum to meet Prince Charming pretty soon, or have been told in no uncertain terms they're going to find him for me. Oh dear.
H back from Scotland and enjoyed every minute of it. Lots of partying and drunken antics which I'm probably better not knowing about, alarmingly some of them seemed to include a kilt and underwear. He was gutted to miss a call from C while he was with his cousin but did speak to him the next day. Discussed C's disposition with H and he thought C was very upbeat and only sounded down because he had a cold. Hope that's the case.
Treat of treats H talking me out for dinner tonight and he's paying for the first time, quite a landmark moment for a mum. And then supposed to be going to a party afterwards but am wary of walking home on the ice in the wee small hours so might not go. The weather just isn't very British at the moment, everyone has had enough now and we all want it to revert to the usual bland, damp claggyness that is our expected winter. Wonder what it's like in Afghanistan and shudder to think.
Not heard anything from C and am very uneasy just now. Feel like this year is going to be a year of great change and truth be told am quite a creature of habit, and find the concept of unfamiliarity daunting. Still the only way to progress is to move upwards and so guess pushing the comfort zone is the only way to go. Hey-ho.
R with her boyfriend and it definitely feels like the holiday's over.
Lots of love and prayers for absent friends.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
Friday 1 January 2010
Day 90 Week 12
So a poor soldier did tragically die on New Year's Eve. May he RIP. He was with those anonymous angels called bomb disposal experts and he was blown up by an IED in Sangin, and so it was the dreadful toll was able to hit a hundred and eight killed in 2009. Don't want to play at this game anymore. Want it all to stop now.
Just had New Year's greetings from my oldest friend from all those days ago when we were kids in Nottinghamshire. I first encountered him when I was nine and he and his younger brother threw stones at me and my then best friend. I remember thinking 'what a horrid boy', but in the way of all twists and turns and thanks to the dreaded eleven plus, we ended up being in the small group of boys and girls who had to go to the school which required a bus journey. Those days on the B1 and C5 forged a connection which has seen us go in completely different directions but somehow each has always remained aware of the other. Still haven't fully forgiven him for running me over on his bicycle though.
Was beginning to feel extremely agitated that C hadn't rung home for so long and just after I heard from my friend the phone rang and low and behold Afghanistan calling.
Gosh he sounds utterly wiped. Here's the gist of the call.
Me: (Recognising the number) Hello gorgeous - how are you? (Trying to hide the merest wiff of negativity from the voice)
C: Yeh, pretty good, OK
Me: Have you had a hard week?
C: Yeh it's been fairly busy, lots to do but it's cool
Me: Have you had any sleep
C: Some - whenever we can
Me: I've sent another parcel out - which was the last one you got?
C: I think it was the cigarettes
Me: (By now blathering about anything in order to avoid expressing emotion and uncomfortable silences) Have you spoken to gorgeous K (girlfriend)
C: Yeh I have, yeh she's good. Tried to speak to H last night but couldn't get through
Me: He's in Edinburgh for Hogmanay why don't you try your grandmother's and see if he's there today
C: He's in Edinburgh, wow, lucky so and so
Me: (Trying to defuse the fact that H in Edinburgh and C most definitely not) When you come home I want a big kiss and loads of hugs and lots of honey (reference to when he was little and I would kiss the nape of his neck and call it the honey nest, but C must have misheard because he replied)
C: No Ma, when I'm home I'm just going to get drunk and stay plastered for two weeks so I won't be able to do anything else
My God. What has the poor boy experienced. Was stunned by the desperation in his tone. The pre-Afghan C would always socialise and go out for a beer with the boys but this was a creature saying he wanted to shut out reality and hide in oblivion. A friend of mine is a psychologist in Hampshire, which of course is a squaddie county, and she told me of the scores of hidden sufferers of post traumatic stress disorder with all the knock on effect on family and friends and the destruction it causes. Please God spare him that.
The day is gloriously sunny and R at her boyfriends, and they actually came home early last night. Heard from H and all terrific in Alba and I'm going to a drinks party at the charming old manse in the village, where nobody ever wants to leave.
Praying for the well being of body and soul of those exposed to heinous malevolence.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
Just had New Year's greetings from my oldest friend from all those days ago when we were kids in Nottinghamshire. I first encountered him when I was nine and he and his younger brother threw stones at me and my then best friend. I remember thinking 'what a horrid boy', but in the way of all twists and turns and thanks to the dreaded eleven plus, we ended up being in the small group of boys and girls who had to go to the school which required a bus journey. Those days on the B1 and C5 forged a connection which has seen us go in completely different directions but somehow each has always remained aware of the other. Still haven't fully forgiven him for running me over on his bicycle though.
Was beginning to feel extremely agitated that C hadn't rung home for so long and just after I heard from my friend the phone rang and low and behold Afghanistan calling.
Gosh he sounds utterly wiped. Here's the gist of the call.
Me: (Recognising the number) Hello gorgeous - how are you? (Trying to hide the merest wiff of negativity from the voice)
C: Yeh, pretty good, OK
Me: Have you had a hard week?
C: Yeh it's been fairly busy, lots to do but it's cool
Me: Have you had any sleep
C: Some - whenever we can
Me: I've sent another parcel out - which was the last one you got?
C: I think it was the cigarettes
Me: (By now blathering about anything in order to avoid expressing emotion and uncomfortable silences) Have you spoken to gorgeous K (girlfriend)
C: Yeh I have, yeh she's good. Tried to speak to H last night but couldn't get through
Me: He's in Edinburgh for Hogmanay why don't you try your grandmother's and see if he's there today
C: He's in Edinburgh, wow, lucky so and so
Me: (Trying to defuse the fact that H in Edinburgh and C most definitely not) When you come home I want a big kiss and loads of hugs and lots of honey (reference to when he was little and I would kiss the nape of his neck and call it the honey nest, but C must have misheard because he replied)
C: No Ma, when I'm home I'm just going to get drunk and stay plastered for two weeks so I won't be able to do anything else
My God. What has the poor boy experienced. Was stunned by the desperation in his tone. The pre-Afghan C would always socialise and go out for a beer with the boys but this was a creature saying he wanted to shut out reality and hide in oblivion. A friend of mine is a psychologist in Hampshire, which of course is a squaddie county, and she told me of the scores of hidden sufferers of post traumatic stress disorder with all the knock on effect on family and friends and the destruction it causes. Please God spare him that.
The day is gloriously sunny and R at her boyfriends, and they actually came home early last night. Heard from H and all terrific in Alba and I'm going to a drinks party at the charming old manse in the village, where nobody ever wants to leave.
Praying for the well being of body and soul of those exposed to heinous malevolence.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
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