Day 109 Week 15

Is there something in the air today?

Won a court judgement in August that the children's father (my fault I know for not being more discerning all those years ago) should support R whilst at university. Came home this evening to another court order (and I didn't even know the case was being considered) from a judge who shall we say acted less than honourably when I was before him many years ago (and he asked me to stay behind after the hearing to discuss my 'future plans' in his chambers - but we won't go into that now) reducing the amount to be paid. More unnecessary hassle.

Then a dear friend is trying to be brave but is suffering real turmoil and it's horrid to see her in such a way, she doesn't deserve any of it and she's so lovely and kind and good.

Then there's supposed to be more snow on the way and everyone's utterly sick of it.

Then there was really bad karma in the shop and a bit of queue rage which we all pretended to ignore but created a really bad feeling.

Then I came home to the aforementioned bad news and a cold, empty house and I missed my brood beyond words.

Then just when I thought I'd switch the mind-set from negativity and embraced positive mental attitude, my phone rang and it was voicemail, and I'd missed another call from C. That was the final invisible straw to hit the equally unseen camel's back and I sat on the sofa and sobbed like the proverbial. Feel utterly gutted to be denied any of the precious calls from C, it makes me so frustrated and cross with myself that I just want to scream at the injustice. That may sound a little OTT but ask anyone who has someone out there and they'll all describe the same feeling of wretchedness when a call is lost. It's like you've failed them by not being there when they needed you. You can never ring them, they can only ever ring you, and the least you can do is always be there.

His voice sounded calm and mature, and he said he just wanted to see how I was, and he sent lots of love, and I just miss him so much, and am so frightened that I'll never see him again, and it scares me alot.

The good news, of course, is that at 5.13pm GMT he was safe and well, and even if we didn't get to exchange words that's something to cling on to.

There is some good news today though, and fellow soldier's Mum is so happy because she's on her way to collect her boy who's flown back for his two weeks R and R and they should be with him about now.

Not heard from H. Not heard from R. But at least I can replay C's message feel like he's really here for a moment.

More prayers please Lord.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x