Retrospective

DAY67 WEEK 9

Wednesday 9 December 2009

Sorry for the hindsight nature of the blog just now, but was persuaded to attend H's graduation after seeking medical approval. As the time for departure approached I experienced the most tremendous sense of panic at the prospect of leaving home for a few days and very nearly chickened out of the whole thing. But thankfully was persuaded that actually to get away for a short while was possibly just what was required right now, and it was pointed out that I would feel even more wretched knowing I wasn't with my first son on such a special occasion.

So on Wednesday my dear friend collected me and I sat on the back seat with my leg elevated, and we stopped every hour for me to walk around and do my physio, and finally eight hours later we arrived in Dartmouth. The highlight of the journey had been a call from C who was really sorry he couldn't be with us and I suspect more homesick than usual. He said everything was OK though and described the whole thing as five per cent terror interrupting ninety-five per cent boredom.

As we pulled up outside our hotel my eyes couldn't believe what they saw because there, right next to our parked vehicle was H on his mobile phone. Apparently the scream I let out left my chauffeur's ears ringing, but it was completely involuntary and so very good to see him after such a long time. We hugged and hugged and hugged and then I gave H the letter that had arrived from Afghanistan from C.

The hotel was beautiful, four poster bed and sunken bath and they had even up graded us from the original booking. Then H casually said 'mum, you're having lunch with Prince Edward tomorrow' and this time I didn't scream and just dropped my jaw. Then H said 'well, aren't you going to ask me why?', and when I was finally able to speak and ask for an explanation, it turned out H had won best Warfare Cadet. The prize for such was a beautiful edition of a complete history of the Royal Navy with citation, twenty-five pound cheque and an invitation to cocktails and lunch in the station Commodore's drawing room with the prince.

Then C rang again from Afghanistan and just about managed not to cry.

DAY 68 WEEK 9

Thursday 10th December 2009

Actually slept well for the first time in ages and then prepared for the day.

Intense security is always a constant reminder of the times we live in and was scanned and searched and finally put on a coach for the Naval College.

H had arranged for me to be given appropriate seating as the tradition is the guests should stand for the whole affair. Then the ceremony began and it was spectacular. All the cadets marched onto the square in their platoons and it then transpired H was leading his men and women. Much marching up and down followed, all accompanied by the Royal Marine's band paying jolly old tunes and clashing their cymbals loudly, and then Prince Edward inspected them all. Part of which involved H being introduced to the prince and then doing the same honour for his comrades by accompanying HRH during the inspection. Just wished C could have been there and very quietly wiped away a tear of joy and sadness that was slowing sliding down the side of my face.

Then we had to accompany HRH and the Commodore out of the ante room where everyone was having cocktails and over to his house for the lunch. I was determined not to have my walking stick in any subsequent photographs and so H took my arm and helped me down the steps as all stood to attention alongside.

The Commodore's house was exquisite and the view from the many french windows over the estuary was breathtaking. My ex-husband was extremely pleasant and charming and there was no awkwardness whatsoever. We discussed C and Afghanistan and both agreed C was finding today difficult, and it was comforting to speak to the only other person in this world who is experiencing C being at war as I did. We'd spent so many years squabbling that we'd forgotten common territory and it was good to rediscover it.

The Prince chatted to us and H for about ten minutes and discussed the training and congratulated him on doing so well, and he is so witty and easy to talk to. HRH asked me if this was the first graduation service I had attended and my ex and I looked at each other and laughed and I said 'actually sir, I've been to the Army, the Navy and the Air Force' - but that's another story for another day. I told him my younger son was with the Rifles and he very soberly said it was so brave of them but they were doing such a good job.

The food was delicious and it was like being on the set of a movie - never eaten lunch three people away from royalty before. Couldn't forget C though and just prayed he was safe.

We then went back to the hotel for a rest and out for a meal in the evening as H wanted everyone to dine together. Halfway through the meal C rang again and spoke to his father, then H, then me and everyone else, and he sounded so tired and old and it was obvious he wished he was with us, and in fact in spirit was. That was when the flood gates opened. Stifled the tears but had to make apologies and leave and once back at the hotel room just buried my head in the pillow and cried, and cried, and cried.


DAY 69 WEEK 9

Friday 11th December 2009

R stayed on for the ball with a champagne breakfast on Saturday morning but we checked out and left for home. Repeated the routine on the return leg and broke the journey with a stay at a friend's beautiful house in Somerset, finally arriving home yesterday evening.

Felt utterly desolate. To arrive back to the silent, dark house was like a kick in the stomach - this is a bloody nightmare and doesn't ever get any easier, just more of a struggle. It's like a war of attrition slowly and deliberately grinding you into the ground.


DAY 70 WEEK 9

Saturday 12th December 2009

Lazy day. Did my physio but feel really tired as I suppose I did more in the last three days than possibly in the last three months combined.

Heard from fellow soldier's Mum and all well with her thank goodness.

No news from C and we all agreed he's probably used his entire phone allocation for a very long time with all the calls home during the graduation. Put together another parcel for him (hugs and kisses) and a friend is developing some photographs to send him.

God willing everyone safe and happy.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x