Day 79 Week 11

Still more snow and I'm supposed to go to the hospital, que faire?

The thing with idealism is that it always evaporates when realism pops it head up and says 'guess what, you cherished a child-like belief in that, but actually this is the reality' and then it smacks you across the metaphorical face. Shattered dreams can work one of two ways, they can destroy and fester and eventually poison the bearer into bitterness or they can be used as a salutary lesson and galvanise the spirit into a more productive and essentially better course of action. Or sometimes they're just a wake-up call.

Today would have been my twenty-seventh wedding anniversary and there was snow on the ground that day too. I have nurtured a belief for nearly thirty years now that my life has taken a certain course of action as a result of an episode of murky behaviour in my past for which I am considerably less than proud.

The resulting atonement meant a journey off Karmic discovery as the epicentre of impact spread waves of consequence through the lives of those implicated directly or indirectly. Actually had an enormous guilt trip about how I had damaged paths in the short and long term not just for those nearest me, but also everybody included in the concentric circles of fall out. Simply put I chose one over another and had for many years now assumed I must take responsibility for my actions and seek contrition. To now discover that actually maybe I got everything base over apex and it was the reassessment and not assessment that was a chimera has left me, temporarily at least, feeling ashamed and debased.

My ex had his faults but he was never a materialist.

Daughter drove me to the hospital and it then took us two and a half hours to drive the four miles home. Stranded lorries, cars being pushed by strangers, blizzarding snow in abundance, and little car sliding all over the place like those images of geese trying to land on frozen water. Arrived home and she blithely said 'I'm of to boyfriends' and so is now driving again, this time on her own, through the Arctic conditions eight miles up hill and down dale in the night. Keep her safe please Lord.

H stranded in France and is trying to reschedule the return for the 23rd, but they'll be lucky if they can.

Not heard from C so more prayers and positivity there. Sadly the news came on the radio a moment ago that another one has died. May God rest his soul. Tragically it may have been a terrible accident as he may have been shot by one of his own.

Meus mendum commodo indulgeo mih.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x