The party's well and truly over.
H went back to Dartmouth late this morning. I'm taking C and R to their father's any moment now and then on to London to drop R back at uni.
C then being taken by his father to Brize in the middle of the night and then off to Afghanistan via RAF Airways.
One moment of happiness in an otherwise not very nice day was a lovely stroll by the river with a really nice guy.
Fellow soldier's Mum sends her love and best wishes bless her.
Bless them all please Lord.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
Sunday, 7 March 2010
Saturday, 6 March 2010
Day 154 Week 21
Just had it confirmed that he returns to Afghanistan on day 156. Every second seems to be flying by at an accelerated rate. It's like I'm not inhabiting my own life again.
I hope they've had a lovely day. The night was riotous, woke up this morning to the scattering of bodies all over the floor and took up bacon-sarny duty again. Fed and watered them and then drove to Datchett with an overloaded car for them to catch the train up to Twickenham to watch Harlequins. Hopefully they should be descending home fairly soon where the preferred supper is a take away pizza.
It was gorgeous having them all for dinner last night. Lots and lots of talk and laughter around the table and then things became a little blokey as C's gorgeous girlfriend and myself got roped into a mess drinking game, and it all went horribly wrong as we thought we were helping each other but the opposite was true. Vaguely remember climbing the wooden hill and greeting the mattress at a very adult hour and today has been a lovely day walking around Windsor in the beautiful spring sunshine and playing denial re forthcoming events. Briefly the horrors of war rescinded.
Dear friend round for wine and chat and lots of girl talk and putting the world to right. R in Portsmouth for friend's birthday. C, H and the rest not back from the rugby so presume much consumption of beer on the way home.
Fellow soldier's Mum sent a message bless her, and I think we're in the same boat
Bless them all.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
I hope they've had a lovely day. The night was riotous, woke up this morning to the scattering of bodies all over the floor and took up bacon-sarny duty again. Fed and watered them and then drove to Datchett with an overloaded car for them to catch the train up to Twickenham to watch Harlequins. Hopefully they should be descending home fairly soon where the preferred supper is a take away pizza.
It was gorgeous having them all for dinner last night. Lots and lots of talk and laughter around the table and then things became a little blokey as C's gorgeous girlfriend and myself got roped into a mess drinking game, and it all went horribly wrong as we thought we were helping each other but the opposite was true. Vaguely remember climbing the wooden hill and greeting the mattress at a very adult hour and today has been a lovely day walking around Windsor in the beautiful spring sunshine and playing denial re forthcoming events. Briefly the horrors of war rescinded.
Dear friend round for wine and chat and lots of girl talk and putting the world to right. R in Portsmouth for friend's birthday. C, H and the rest not back from the rugby so presume much consumption of beer on the way home.
Fellow soldier's Mum sent a message bless her, and I think we're in the same boat
Bless them all.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
Friday, 5 March 2010
Day 153 Week 21
Work was good. The temperature was definitely lower today than it has been for a while. working with a huge bundle of adolescent hormones can sometimes ignite like tinder, but maybe it was the sunshine that changed the mood. Then at last the day finished and drove back through the countryside in the golden glow of sunset and felt sorry for the poor things trapped on the M25 as I whizzed over it.
Was so looking forward to this evening. Went to the supermarket on the way back and stacked up on a gorgeous dinner and lovely wine and pud and arrived home feeling temporarily restored to ebullience.
Walked through the door and immediately knew something was wrong. H had morphed into a six year old with a face that said someone has just taken his favourite toy and jumped on it. Took seconds to discover that the 'toy' in question was a sizeable amount of his clothing and within moments the house had descended into a maelstrom of accusation and counter accusation and it was like going back a decade. C reverted to his former role of peace-keeper and quietly searched upstairs with H by then loudly blaming everyone from R, visitors, to me for loosing his precious goods. Turned out he'd just failed to look properly in the wardrobe and at last thanks to C some of the missing goods were found.
Oh Lord what an opening.
Anyway, harmony restored H then regaled us with the letter he's just sent to the mayor of Albuquerque. He's going there to stay with a friend and friend's father for Spring Break and ever hopeful of a freebee has sent the following message
"Dear Mayor B
My friend and I are two British Naval Officers who are soon to visit your fair city. We notice that we have missed the Mayor and First Lady's Dog Ball and the Balloon Museum open day but we were wondering if you could recommend any events which would truly represent the Albuquerque way of life, and allow us to meet a proper representation of your society.
Very much looking forward to seeing you and New Mexico's finest city
Yours sincerely
H".
That should do wonders to cement the special relationship.
Dinner cooking. R home. H restored and most definitely home. C just popped out to pick up a friend to join us and am very aware he's now unfortunately only very, very, temporarily home.
Fellow soldier's Mum working hard but not sleeping and so very tired of it all.
Must remember we only ever have this moment.
Thank you Lord
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
Was so looking forward to this evening. Went to the supermarket on the way back and stacked up on a gorgeous dinner and lovely wine and pud and arrived home feeling temporarily restored to ebullience.
Walked through the door and immediately knew something was wrong. H had morphed into a six year old with a face that said someone has just taken his favourite toy and jumped on it. Took seconds to discover that the 'toy' in question was a sizeable amount of his clothing and within moments the house had descended into a maelstrom of accusation and counter accusation and it was like going back a decade. C reverted to his former role of peace-keeper and quietly searched upstairs with H by then loudly blaming everyone from R, visitors, to me for loosing his precious goods. Turned out he'd just failed to look properly in the wardrobe and at last thanks to C some of the missing goods were found.
Oh Lord what an opening.
Anyway, harmony restored H then regaled us with the letter he's just sent to the mayor of Albuquerque. He's going there to stay with a friend and friend's father for Spring Break and ever hopeful of a freebee has sent the following message
"Dear Mayor B
My friend and I are two British Naval Officers who are soon to visit your fair city. We notice that we have missed the Mayor and First Lady's Dog Ball and the Balloon Museum open day but we were wondering if you could recommend any events which would truly represent the Albuquerque way of life, and allow us to meet a proper representation of your society.
Very much looking forward to seeing you and New Mexico's finest city
Yours sincerely
H".
That should do wonders to cement the special relationship.
Dinner cooking. R home. H restored and most definitely home. C just popped out to pick up a friend to join us and am very aware he's now unfortunately only very, very, temporarily home.
Fellow soldier's Mum working hard but not sleeping and so very tired of it all.
Must remember we only ever have this moment.
Thank you Lord
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
Thursday, 4 March 2010
Day 152 Week 21
Just visited a friend on the way home and it was good to have a bit of diversion. She sensed the temporary euphoric respite from fear was ending and tried to encouraged philosophical separation of state. Trouble is, can't do philosophical separation of anything just now. Am back to being an emotional vacuum occasionally invaded by frenzied panic.
Popped to the loo in the middle of the night and nearly jumped out of my skin as C was downstairs on the laptop. Came down to talk to him and he was concerned because he'd discovered images of their bases on the front had been posted on a website where you can travel around the world in virtual reality. Obviously quite nice for him to do from the safety of our dining room, but am horrified to think what someone of less virtuous intent could prepare for with such information.
What a strange world we live in.
See the Astronomer Royal has said at a high level conference on the liklihood of life on other planets that it is quite possible alien life is living amongst us right now but in an unrecognisable form. Could it be my brother was not so far-fetched all those months ago? Have to say, unfortunately I experience alien life in an all too familiar form all to often, but then that's another matter.
C enjoying visiting his gorgeous girlfriend's uni. R back at her own establishment of learning and H should be on his way home tomorrow dv.
Fellow soldier's Mum also down now. Wonder how many of us there are out there.
More prayers.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
Popped to the loo in the middle of the night and nearly jumped out of my skin as C was downstairs on the laptop. Came down to talk to him and he was concerned because he'd discovered images of their bases on the front had been posted on a website where you can travel around the world in virtual reality. Obviously quite nice for him to do from the safety of our dining room, but am horrified to think what someone of less virtuous intent could prepare for with such information.
What a strange world we live in.
See the Astronomer Royal has said at a high level conference on the liklihood of life on other planets that it is quite possible alien life is living amongst us right now but in an unrecognisable form. Could it be my brother was not so far-fetched all those months ago? Have to say, unfortunately I experience alien life in an all too familiar form all to often, but then that's another matter.
C enjoying visiting his gorgeous girlfriend's uni. R back at her own establishment of learning and H should be on his way home tomorrow dv.
Fellow soldier's Mum also down now. Wonder how many of us there are out there.
More prayers.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
Wednesday, 3 March 2010
Day 151 Week 21
The poor Rifleman lost wasn't from C's platoon, RIP. Not that removal makes it any better of course.
This is absolutely ridiculous. Have turned into a wimp. Am absolutely bloody knackered all the time, it must be the frame of mind. My old adversary 'dread' has moved next door, not quite in complete residence yet, sort of visiting and making on-the-spot alterations. Scheduled to complete the occupation on Monday when my darling youngest boy returns to his guys and active service, and then my domineering neighbour will be in full possession yet again.
So good to have him home. Don't want him to go back. Don't want people to be trying to kill him all the time. Don't want that constant nausea with all the secondary symptoms of no sleep and spontaneous tearfulness. Just want to be quiet, and calm, and simple. That's the bottom of it all, just want things simple. And of course, safe. Realise that truth be told in the great scheme of things nothing is actually simple or safe and to wish for such is not only unrealistic but also quite childish. Obviously have to return to 'getting a grip'. Unfortunately, emotionally I seem to be throwing the toys out of the pram.
I know what's called for - a lovely long, leisurely, hot bath. Hopefully that should do the trick.
C and R returned from an apparently excellent time in Nottingham and they visited my dear uncle and aunt. They've now gone to R's uni where a friend is cooking them dinner and then afterwards C is going to the cinema with a friend. Not heard from H but thank goodness should be seeing him again this weekend.
Heard from fellow soldier's Mum and thank goodness there too, as all is well with her.
With the help of God we'll all come through this.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
This is absolutely ridiculous. Have turned into a wimp. Am absolutely bloody knackered all the time, it must be the frame of mind. My old adversary 'dread' has moved next door, not quite in complete residence yet, sort of visiting and making on-the-spot alterations. Scheduled to complete the occupation on Monday when my darling youngest boy returns to his guys and active service, and then my domineering neighbour will be in full possession yet again.
So good to have him home. Don't want him to go back. Don't want people to be trying to kill him all the time. Don't want that constant nausea with all the secondary symptoms of no sleep and spontaneous tearfulness. Just want to be quiet, and calm, and simple. That's the bottom of it all, just want things simple. And of course, safe. Realise that truth be told in the great scheme of things nothing is actually simple or safe and to wish for such is not only unrealistic but also quite childish. Obviously have to return to 'getting a grip'. Unfortunately, emotionally I seem to be throwing the toys out of the pram.
I know what's called for - a lovely long, leisurely, hot bath. Hopefully that should do the trick.
C and R returned from an apparently excellent time in Nottingham and they visited my dear uncle and aunt. They've now gone to R's uni where a friend is cooking them dinner and then afterwards C is going to the cinema with a friend. Not heard from H but thank goodness should be seeing him again this weekend.
Heard from fellow soldier's Mum and thank goodness there too, as all is well with her.
With the help of God we'll all come through this.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
Tuesday, 2 March 2010
Day 150 Week 21
A hundred and fifty days since he first flew out, my goodness it seems like both yesterday and another world away.
Just heard the sad news of the death of another Rifleman from 3 Rifles, and can't get hold of C to (subtly) find out if he knows. He's still up in Nottingham and his phone just goes to voicemail, heavens but I know he'll be gutted to hear the news. It's such a strange feeling to actually know for sure it can't have been C this time, but tragically accept it has to be one of his comrades. God I hate this war.
Not heard from fellow soldier's Mum and just hope all is well with her.
Work was good, if not hard, but the kids were in good form and to be frank activity is far and away the best alternative, idleness precipitates dread. And bonus of bonus, fresh golden sunshine all day. Well apart from the frost this morning when the roads were strewn with cars that had hit ice and lost control.
See that the RAF were scrambled to escort an American aircraft into Heathrow this morning, seemingly they didn't follow it all the way in, and satisfied it was just a woman having a panic attack broke away over Oxfordshire. Hadn't figured we lived in a dodgy area as we are right under the flight path, practically just a few minutes from the airport itself. I suppose the likelihood of raised danger is an occupational hazard when living on the edge of London, you've only really got one choice though because if you gave into the fear of what might be then violence has won without having to flex a muscle.
Just seen some photographs of C on active duty and am arrested by the beauty and simplicity of the content. For all the world it looks like a bunch of mates on an away day, and then you factor in the body armour, weapons and explosions and suddenly it's for real. Holiday from Hell would be an understatement, and yet they all look so happy.
H just sent a message to say he's playing in a Dartmouth 15 against Sandhurst, told him the army whipped the French and he said they're expecting a drumming too - but don't tell C. Heard from R and she's off up to Nottingham to join C and wants to borrow my car tomorrow night. Still can't get hold of C and just hope and pray everything's OK for him.
So very tired at the moment. Don't know why particularly just now.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
Just heard the sad news of the death of another Rifleman from 3 Rifles, and can't get hold of C to (subtly) find out if he knows. He's still up in Nottingham and his phone just goes to voicemail, heavens but I know he'll be gutted to hear the news. It's such a strange feeling to actually know for sure it can't have been C this time, but tragically accept it has to be one of his comrades. God I hate this war.
Not heard from fellow soldier's Mum and just hope all is well with her.
Work was good, if not hard, but the kids were in good form and to be frank activity is far and away the best alternative, idleness precipitates dread. And bonus of bonus, fresh golden sunshine all day. Well apart from the frost this morning when the roads were strewn with cars that had hit ice and lost control.
See that the RAF were scrambled to escort an American aircraft into Heathrow this morning, seemingly they didn't follow it all the way in, and satisfied it was just a woman having a panic attack broke away over Oxfordshire. Hadn't figured we lived in a dodgy area as we are right under the flight path, practically just a few minutes from the airport itself. I suppose the likelihood of raised danger is an occupational hazard when living on the edge of London, you've only really got one choice though because if you gave into the fear of what might be then violence has won without having to flex a muscle.
Just seen some photographs of C on active duty and am arrested by the beauty and simplicity of the content. For all the world it looks like a bunch of mates on an away day, and then you factor in the body armour, weapons and explosions and suddenly it's for real. Holiday from Hell would be an understatement, and yet they all look so happy.
H just sent a message to say he's playing in a Dartmouth 15 against Sandhurst, told him the army whipped the French and he said they're expecting a drumming too - but don't tell C. Heard from R and she's off up to Nottingham to join C and wants to borrow my car tomorrow night. Still can't get hold of C and just hope and pray everything's OK for him.
So very tired at the moment. Don't know why particularly just now.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
Monday, 1 March 2010
Day 149 Week 21
Have come to the conclusion there's just no pleasing people, myself included.
Spent the whole of the last four and a half months limping in a chronic state of anxiety induced near exhaustion towards C coming home again, if we were lucky, and now he's with us and I'm riddled with panic as as he has to fly back out next week. Wonder if I have forever lost the ability to enjoy the here and now without the burden of potential existing or non-existing consequences. Does fear feed on fear.
I just keep looking at him in an almost trance like state of disbelief in that he's actually there in a physical form and not just a sentimental, adored, stash of memory. In essentials he's exactly the same, but definitely more sober and as mother's always know their offspring, I can sense he's grappling with the clash of cultures in which he now exists. He's so so serious. Not that he wasn't capable of gravitas before, it's just he now has that detached coolness harsh lessons learned can instil.
It's like the elephant in the bedroom. Afghanistan is there, but we never mention it. Well unless he does, then it has to be on his terms and respect paid to any sudden desire to change the subject and no longer acknowledge it.
Work is good, a real salvation of normality. H back in Dartmouth, R back at uni and C has popped up to Nottingham to visit friends at uni.
Oh Lord will things ever be the same again.
Fellow soldier's Mum wants the simple life back too.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
Spent the whole of the last four and a half months limping in a chronic state of anxiety induced near exhaustion towards C coming home again, if we were lucky, and now he's with us and I'm riddled with panic as as he has to fly back out next week. Wonder if I have forever lost the ability to enjoy the here and now without the burden of potential existing or non-existing consequences. Does fear feed on fear.
I just keep looking at him in an almost trance like state of disbelief in that he's actually there in a physical form and not just a sentimental, adored, stash of memory. In essentials he's exactly the same, but definitely more sober and as mother's always know their offspring, I can sense he's grappling with the clash of cultures in which he now exists. He's so so serious. Not that he wasn't capable of gravitas before, it's just he now has that detached coolness harsh lessons learned can instil.
It's like the elephant in the bedroom. Afghanistan is there, but we never mention it. Well unless he does, then it has to be on his terms and respect paid to any sudden desire to change the subject and no longer acknowledge it.
Work is good, a real salvation of normality. H back in Dartmouth, R back at uni and C has popped up to Nottingham to visit friends at uni.
Oh Lord will things ever be the same again.
Fellow soldier's Mum wants the simple life back too.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
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