Went as planned to the soothing calm of the Cathedral in St Albans and lit a candle in the eponymous tomb, accompanied by the unexpected treat of the angelic choir rehearsing a performance to be given last night and then walked around the Roman remains and tried to hold on to the thought that he really was coming home. Drove back around the M25 and fought back the tears of gratitude.
Wonder where he is now. It's twenty four hours nearer to his homecoming and it's Sunday evening with R home ready for the arrival and collection in the early hours of tomorrow morning.
Really can't believe he's on his way home.
Had a lovely day today. Tried to find the river people but they'd moved upstream and so missed them and instead went shopping for all C's favourites. Pain au chocolate, ingredients for bangers and mash, mozzarella pasta bake and California risotto, Budweiser and honey nut loops. Have been advised by fellow soldiers' Mums that their appetite shrinks enormously, but it was such a comfort to gather in all his choicest nosh.
Still can't really believe he's coming home.
Then took my dear neighbour to the dump and helped him clear out some of the clutter after the death of his wife and was shocked to realise it was three months ago. And after that, fabulous four mile walk around the Chilterns with a stop off at a gorgeous pub on the way back with a dear friend and her daughter.
And now am so excited because I'm beginning to realise that by some miracle, he really may well be most of the way home.
Another dear friend's son is leaving tonight to begin a rock tour of Europe supporting quite a large band, so it's a really special day for her and just wish them all well.
Can't explain what today feels like.
Not heard from H and fellow soldier's Mum said enjoy every minute of him being back and away from the awfulness.
Thank you Lord.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
Sunday, 21 February 2010
Saturday, 20 February 2010
Day 140 Week 19
The day is beautiful, bright golden sunshine and there's such a bite of crisp cold in the air, and I can't settle to anything.
Heard via the virtual communications network that C is on his way home and cannot describe what it feels like. Utter elation combined with waves of spontaneous bawling tinged with disbelief that I may, actually, get to see my baby boy again. Gave him a St Christopher medal before he went out, and hope the patron saint of travellers keeps up the good work and carries him home safely.
Am off to St Albans and will light a candle and pray that we continue to be blessed with such kindness.
Britain won a gold medal at the winter Olympics, and the Dutch Government has resigned because an agreement on extending their presence in Afghanistan cannot be reached. Apparently there have been over twenty Dutch soldiers lost out there and am suddenly arrested by the thought that there must be clusters of families going through what we're going through in scattered countries all over the world.
The anticipation is excruciating. Am like a child on Christmas Eve who just wants everything immediately. Must keep busy.
H in exactly the same condition. R in exactly the same condition. And C a third of the way back six hours ago, whatever that means.
Poor fellow soldier's Mum really down and she told me it's harder during the second part than the first.
And I'm trying to ignore the little gremlin at the back of my mind who keeps reminding me he, too, will have to go back.
Thank you Lord and more of the same, please.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
Heard via the virtual communications network that C is on his way home and cannot describe what it feels like. Utter elation combined with waves of spontaneous bawling tinged with disbelief that I may, actually, get to see my baby boy again. Gave him a St Christopher medal before he went out, and hope the patron saint of travellers keeps up the good work and carries him home safely.
Am off to St Albans and will light a candle and pray that we continue to be blessed with such kindness.
Britain won a gold medal at the winter Olympics, and the Dutch Government has resigned because an agreement on extending their presence in Afghanistan cannot be reached. Apparently there have been over twenty Dutch soldiers lost out there and am suddenly arrested by the thought that there must be clusters of families going through what we're going through in scattered countries all over the world.
The anticipation is excruciating. Am like a child on Christmas Eve who just wants everything immediately. Must keep busy.
H in exactly the same condition. R in exactly the same condition. And C a third of the way back six hours ago, whatever that means.
Poor fellow soldier's Mum really down and she told me it's harder during the second part than the first.
And I'm trying to ignore the little gremlin at the back of my mind who keeps reminding me he, too, will have to go back.
Thank you Lord and more of the same, please.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
Friday, 19 February 2010
Day 139 Week 19
Unfortunately yesterday ended on an anxious note. Had heard from fellow soldier's Mum and it transpired her son was attached to the Coldstreams and literally a second later heard that one had been killed. Mercifully it wasn't her boy, but it most definitely was someone's and can only shudder to think how they must now be feeling. And then woke this morning to discover not one but two have perished in the last twenty four hours. May their souls RIP.
Last day of half term and am going for a walk by the river and then to a lovely riverside pub for a bite to eat with a dear friend, and cannot seem to settle to anything. Brain butterflying all over the place. Foot won't stop tapping. Concentration span the length of gnat's. It's tantalising to have the temporary finishing post so near and yet in reality so very, very far, and of course 'temporary' is the defining word here because he has to go back.
Keep holding on to H's advice about being busy and occupying the thoughts productively. My old school motto was 'manu et mente', or 'by hand and by mind', so all these years down the line will try to apply its dictum.
Am going to join a friend and help clear out our local river on Sunday. There's a local legend that it disappears when war is imminent, as it did in the summer of nineteen thirty nine, when the women of the village prayed over the dried up bed for its return. Of course the real reason for its emergence and departure is to do with our local geology of chalk and shifting water tables, but the fact that it has been absent for some months now, is nothing to do with international developments and more to do with its stewardship. Well let's hope that's the case. Am quite excited about donning wellies and scrabbling about the countryside, be like going back to youth and frogspawning by the railway line at home.
Wonder if it's true that the best things in life are free?
See that loads more UFO files have been released into the public domain, maybe my brother wasn't so far off the mark afterall.
Not heard from H. Not heard from R. And not heard from C.
They're never out of my thoughts and prayers though.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
Last day of half term and am going for a walk by the river and then to a lovely riverside pub for a bite to eat with a dear friend, and cannot seem to settle to anything. Brain butterflying all over the place. Foot won't stop tapping. Concentration span the length of gnat's. It's tantalising to have the temporary finishing post so near and yet in reality so very, very far, and of course 'temporary' is the defining word here because he has to go back.
Keep holding on to H's advice about being busy and occupying the thoughts productively. My old school motto was 'manu et mente', or 'by hand and by mind', so all these years down the line will try to apply its dictum.
Am going to join a friend and help clear out our local river on Sunday. There's a local legend that it disappears when war is imminent, as it did in the summer of nineteen thirty nine, when the women of the village prayed over the dried up bed for its return. Of course the real reason for its emergence and departure is to do with our local geology of chalk and shifting water tables, but the fact that it has been absent for some months now, is nothing to do with international developments and more to do with its stewardship. Well let's hope that's the case. Am quite excited about donning wellies and scrabbling about the countryside, be like going back to youth and frogspawning by the railway line at home.
Wonder if it's true that the best things in life are free?
See that loads more UFO files have been released into the public domain, maybe my brother wasn't so far off the mark afterall.
Not heard from H. Not heard from R. And not heard from C.
They're never out of my thoughts and prayers though.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
Thursday, 18 February 2010
Day 138 Week 19
The knowledge that C could be so close to coming home, albeit for a temporary respite, has had the paradoxical effect of increasing anxiety levels. Odd, I know, in that you would assume to be hopefully as close to an event so keenly anticipated and prayed for would be heaven, but what happens in reality is the whisper of fear which never actually leaves the mind grows louder and louder.
Oh God please, please keep him safe.
See the Sun is finally on the case of what it calls 'Argy-Bargy 2'. Front page headline 'Task Force 2 - Navy rush to the Falklands', then an 'exclusive' story of how more RN ships are being sent to the South Atlantic in response to Argentine claims of sovereignty. More stirring reassurance on the inside pages where an anonymous 'senior Naval source' explained the type 42 destroyer HMS York was being despatched to support oil exploration drilling, and if anything does kick off we don't have to worry because 'the Navy are there to stop them'. Great. Cannot believe we seriously may be tumbling into the third war of the decade. What on earth is happening?
And are we really prepared to defend those islands? Admittedly now they are almost certainly of an increased strategic value, but in total our military presence consists of four ships, one company of soldiers and four Eurofighters. The Sun kindly points out that this is in comparison with Argentine resources of twenty-three ships, forty thousand soldiers, and nearly two hundred and fifty aircraft.
And the figures for the economy came out today and we're even more broke than was feared.
Popped into our local church this lunchtime and the Vicar was giving a history lesson to a group of schoolchildren. It would seem our village was always regarded as important and a church has stood on its site for well over a thousand years. The original was wooden and was replaced by a stone building in the Norman times when William the Conqueror gave the manor to his brother, but unfortunately that was destroyed in a storm and the sweet little structure we have now is relatively new as it was only built in seventeen hundred.
The vicar described the structure of ecclesiastical architecture and seemingly the nave is so named because when inverted it has the appearance of an ark or boat, and the Latin word for that is navis, hence the derivative Navy.
Had a long chat with H and he's anxious about C too, and hopes his frame of mind hasn't been altered by what he's experienced. Had a chat with R about arrangements and we may car swap when she goes to Brize. No news from C.
Heard from fellow soldier's Mum and we're in just about the same frame of mind. Weather horrendous and had a therapeutic trip to the dump again.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
Oh God please, please keep him safe.
See the Sun is finally on the case of what it calls 'Argy-Bargy 2'. Front page headline 'Task Force 2 - Navy rush to the Falklands', then an 'exclusive' story of how more RN ships are being sent to the South Atlantic in response to Argentine claims of sovereignty. More stirring reassurance on the inside pages where an anonymous 'senior Naval source' explained the type 42 destroyer HMS York was being despatched to support oil exploration drilling, and if anything does kick off we don't have to worry because 'the Navy are there to stop them'. Great. Cannot believe we seriously may be tumbling into the third war of the decade. What on earth is happening?
And are we really prepared to defend those islands? Admittedly now they are almost certainly of an increased strategic value, but in total our military presence consists of four ships, one company of soldiers and four Eurofighters. The Sun kindly points out that this is in comparison with Argentine resources of twenty-three ships, forty thousand soldiers, and nearly two hundred and fifty aircraft.
And the figures for the economy came out today and we're even more broke than was feared.
Popped into our local church this lunchtime and the Vicar was giving a history lesson to a group of schoolchildren. It would seem our village was always regarded as important and a church has stood on its site for well over a thousand years. The original was wooden and was replaced by a stone building in the Norman times when William the Conqueror gave the manor to his brother, but unfortunately that was destroyed in a storm and the sweet little structure we have now is relatively new as it was only built in seventeen hundred.
The vicar described the structure of ecclesiastical architecture and seemingly the nave is so named because when inverted it has the appearance of an ark or boat, and the Latin word for that is navis, hence the derivative Navy.
Had a long chat with H and he's anxious about C too, and hopes his frame of mind hasn't been altered by what he's experienced. Had a chat with R about arrangements and we may car swap when she goes to Brize. No news from C.
Heard from fellow soldier's Mum and we're in just about the same frame of mind. Weather horrendous and had a therapeutic trip to the dump again.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
Wednesday, 17 February 2010
Day 137 Week 19
So, someone used stolen ID from UK residents to produce bogus passports to kill a Hammas commander in Dubai. Argentina is making louder rumblings about the Falklands in the light of problems on their domestic front and the likelihood of vast wealth under the sea. And the Talliban are using women and children as human shields placing them on top of buildings which they occupy.
The world seems to be careering towards self destruction, or was it always like this and we just didn't know so much.
Had an absolutely fabulous day. A dear friend drove us up to my home village in Nottinghamshire, couldn't decide whether to go today or Friday, but weather outlook slightly grim towards the weekend so we trundled up the M1 catching up on all the gossip. Then we had lunch in the ancient pub which was once run by my great-uncle. He came to it as recompense for saving the life of the local squire during the Boer War by crawling out into no-man's land and returning to camp with the wounded officer. Lauded a hero by the local newspaper, the village band turned out to greet him upon his return, and my grandfather who was a young boy at the time was heartily sickened by it all. Interesting to see the old photographs and strange to think how often my predecessors had toasted each other in the very room where we had lunch. After that we visited the rain strewn hillside which is where my parents and grand parents are buried, wind and sleet lashing our faces before we set off back down an obedient motorway and now am ready for a lovely hot bath, pyjamas and bed.
We discussed the yearning that draws an adult back to haunts of childhood and decided it's based on a premise of perceived safety and the attraction of a simpler life. Was it really safer then, or have the rosy tinted glasses of memory tainted the truth. Life in my home village could be quite challenging and compared with the leafy gentility of where I live now, things were hard. There was a lot of poverty and opportunities were desperately limited. A trip to London
was the height of exotica and word soon swept around if someone actually went abroad on holiday. Wonder what people do for work now that the main employers of mining, milling or the brewery have gone, there doesn't seem to be much new industry to replace the old giants. Found I was looking at the pinched faces of strangers and trying to identify them in case they were somehow connected to my past. Definitely nostalgic yearning.
Heard from H and he wants me to do some business transactions for him. Heard from R and she may, with God on our side, be collecting C from Brize Norton next Tuesday morning.
Just want them home please Lord.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
The world seems to be careering towards self destruction, or was it always like this and we just didn't know so much.
Had an absolutely fabulous day. A dear friend drove us up to my home village in Nottinghamshire, couldn't decide whether to go today or Friday, but weather outlook slightly grim towards the weekend so we trundled up the M1 catching up on all the gossip. Then we had lunch in the ancient pub which was once run by my great-uncle. He came to it as recompense for saving the life of the local squire during the Boer War by crawling out into no-man's land and returning to camp with the wounded officer. Lauded a hero by the local newspaper, the village band turned out to greet him upon his return, and my grandfather who was a young boy at the time was heartily sickened by it all. Interesting to see the old photographs and strange to think how often my predecessors had toasted each other in the very room where we had lunch. After that we visited the rain strewn hillside which is where my parents and grand parents are buried, wind and sleet lashing our faces before we set off back down an obedient motorway and now am ready for a lovely hot bath, pyjamas and bed.
We discussed the yearning that draws an adult back to haunts of childhood and decided it's based on a premise of perceived safety and the attraction of a simpler life. Was it really safer then, or have the rosy tinted glasses of memory tainted the truth. Life in my home village could be quite challenging and compared with the leafy gentility of where I live now, things were hard. There was a lot of poverty and opportunities were desperately limited. A trip to London
was the height of exotica and word soon swept around if someone actually went abroad on holiday. Wonder what people do for work now that the main employers of mining, milling or the brewery have gone, there doesn't seem to be much new industry to replace the old giants. Found I was looking at the pinched faces of strangers and trying to identify them in case they were somehow connected to my past. Definitely nostalgic yearning.
Heard from H and he wants me to do some business transactions for him. Heard from R and she may, with God on our side, be collecting C from Brize Norton next Tuesday morning.
Just want them home please Lord.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
Tuesday, 16 February 2010
Day 136 Week 19
It wasn't just one death announced yesterday, it was two. The second poor lad was a Rifleman from 3 Rifles, and he was another volunteer TA guy - actually a policeman in the day job. May God rest their souls. Gone but not forgotten.
Can only think 'there but for the Grace of God go we'.
My friend and colleague from work sent a really positive message and her husband was a policeman in London during the horrendous rioting in the nineteen-eighties, and she said she was frantic with worry every time he went to work but often they were just sitting around waiting for things to happen. Wonder if that's what it's like for C. Surely to goodness they can't be active all the time. Saw sleeping soldiers on the news and they were literally just lying on their kit on the sandy rugged earth where once they stood, and they were completely spark-out despite the uncomfortable conditions and the enormous din surrounding them.
Please let them come home safely Lord.
Just been for a walk around our village and yet again am blown away by everyone's love and support for C. Called in at the local shop and the shopkeeper wanted to know the latest news, and then bumped in a dear friend and she gave a hug and said C was never out of her thoughts, then met my neighbours and despite being close we hardly ever see each other because of constraints of time, and they wanted an update. We are so fortunate to live in such a close knit community. I wonder if C knows how many people are routing for him and his colleagues back home.
See that all US officers have to read the 'Seven Pillars of Wisdom' by TE Lawrence. It's the autobiography of Lawrence of Arabia and is regarded as a seminal piece of literature covering Arab practices and customs and provides an invaluable insight into the people we are working with and fighting against. My grandfather knew Lawrence and indeed he was killed in May 1935 on a motorcycle which was manufactured by a company my family were linked to. Lawrence rejected all the fame and adulation his exploits during the Arab revolt in Sudan provided him with and when he died he had resigned his commission and had served as a regular aircraftman in the RAF. I remember as a child seeing his headdress and opium pipe at my cousin's house and who would have thought my son would end up fighting in conditions so similar to those experienced by Lawrence at the start of the twentieth century. Wonder if C has read the 'Seven Pillars'.
Heard from H and he's working terrifically hard but still loves it. Not heard from R but just found a receipt for a holiday in the summer. No news from C and fellow soldier's Mum and I are really struggling just now. Guess everyone is.
Was going up to Nottinghamshire tomorrow but now on hold because more of the dreaded white stuff maybe on the way.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
Can only think 'there but for the Grace of God go we'.
My friend and colleague from work sent a really positive message and her husband was a policeman in London during the horrendous rioting in the nineteen-eighties, and she said she was frantic with worry every time he went to work but often they were just sitting around waiting for things to happen. Wonder if that's what it's like for C. Surely to goodness they can't be active all the time. Saw sleeping soldiers on the news and they were literally just lying on their kit on the sandy rugged earth where once they stood, and they were completely spark-out despite the uncomfortable conditions and the enormous din surrounding them.
Please let them come home safely Lord.
Just been for a walk around our village and yet again am blown away by everyone's love and support for C. Called in at the local shop and the shopkeeper wanted to know the latest news, and then bumped in a dear friend and she gave a hug and said C was never out of her thoughts, then met my neighbours and despite being close we hardly ever see each other because of constraints of time, and they wanted an update. We are so fortunate to live in such a close knit community. I wonder if C knows how many people are routing for him and his colleagues back home.
See that all US officers have to read the 'Seven Pillars of Wisdom' by TE Lawrence. It's the autobiography of Lawrence of Arabia and is regarded as a seminal piece of literature covering Arab practices and customs and provides an invaluable insight into the people we are working with and fighting against. My grandfather knew Lawrence and indeed he was killed in May 1935 on a motorcycle which was manufactured by a company my family were linked to. Lawrence rejected all the fame and adulation his exploits during the Arab revolt in Sudan provided him with and when he died he had resigned his commission and had served as a regular aircraftman in the RAF. I remember as a child seeing his headdress and opium pipe at my cousin's house and who would have thought my son would end up fighting in conditions so similar to those experienced by Lawrence at the start of the twentieth century. Wonder if C has read the 'Seven Pillars'.
Heard from H and he's working terrifically hard but still loves it. Not heard from R but just found a receipt for a holiday in the summer. No news from C and fellow soldier's Mum and I are really struggling just now. Guess everyone is.
Was going up to Nottinghamshire tomorrow but now on hold because more of the dreaded white stuff maybe on the way.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
Monday, 15 February 2010
Day 135 Week 19
Well the feared bloodbath in Afghanistan has not yet materialised, and please God that will continue to be so. Twelve civilians tragically killed during a Nato rocket strike though and that will create anger in grief as well as discord. The area is riddled with explosives and that's slowing progress down, apparently we will not know for another year whether everything has worked out as planned.
Dreadful train crash in Belgium when two commuter trains collided during the morning rush hour. More unexpected devastation. Wouldn't it be wonderful if the world was full of nothing but good news, a balming utopia, but alas life doesn't work like that.
Absolutely fabulous to see my cousin and her very generous partner. Arrived to champagne and homemade sloe-vodka cocktails, followed by lunch of lobster salad accompanied with copious amounts of delicious red wine. Then the bobberty-bobberty ride over the fields to the ancient pub, and back home to delicious roast chicken, trimmings and the most mouth-watering chocolate mouse ever. Lots of really good reassuring conversation and felt briefly buoyed with confidence, but then on the journey home began to feel infected with anxiety again, and back to being terrified by the unknown magnified by received wisdom via the television.
Kept looking at the beautiful Buckinghamshire countryside as I drove south and even on a cold, wet, grey day, it looked stunning. C loves his homeland and said lots of prayers that he will enjoy it once again, once all this hideousness is out of the way dv.
Got massively lost in Aylesbury. Don't know what it is about the place but always have an attack of brain-swipe and end up going round and round the one way system and inner ring road. Think absolutely nothing about driving up to central London, and can successfully navigate myself around without resorting to the A to Z, but show me Aylesbury and I go to pieces and loose the plot.
Just heard a soldier from the Duke of Lancaster's was killed yesterday, may he RIP. More shattered lives.
Not heard from H, C or R.
Please keep them safe Lord.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
Dreadful train crash in Belgium when two commuter trains collided during the morning rush hour. More unexpected devastation. Wouldn't it be wonderful if the world was full of nothing but good news, a balming utopia, but alas life doesn't work like that.
Absolutely fabulous to see my cousin and her very generous partner. Arrived to champagne and homemade sloe-vodka cocktails, followed by lunch of lobster salad accompanied with copious amounts of delicious red wine. Then the bobberty-bobberty ride over the fields to the ancient pub, and back home to delicious roast chicken, trimmings and the most mouth-watering chocolate mouse ever. Lots of really good reassuring conversation and felt briefly buoyed with confidence, but then on the journey home began to feel infected with anxiety again, and back to being terrified by the unknown magnified by received wisdom via the television.
Kept looking at the beautiful Buckinghamshire countryside as I drove south and even on a cold, wet, grey day, it looked stunning. C loves his homeland and said lots of prayers that he will enjoy it once again, once all this hideousness is out of the way dv.
Got massively lost in Aylesbury. Don't know what it is about the place but always have an attack of brain-swipe and end up going round and round the one way system and inner ring road. Think absolutely nothing about driving up to central London, and can successfully navigate myself around without resorting to the A to Z, but show me Aylesbury and I go to pieces and loose the plot.
Just heard a soldier from the Duke of Lancaster's was killed yesterday, may he RIP. More shattered lives.
Not heard from H, C or R.
Please keep them safe Lord.
Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x
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