Day 22 Week 4

Week four - phew. Am obviously delighted that hopefully no news is good news but am really struggling with it just now.

Saw Channel 4 news last night and was moved by the attendance on the peace march by a serving soldier who has refused to return to Afghanistan and will face at least one court martial for that, and possibly another for addressing a rally so bravely and forcibly against the war. All he actually said was that the troops on the ground do not understand why they are there and doesn't that speak volumes? If we really could follow the cause with clarity then there would be justification.

Then saw a battalion from my son's regiment returning home, and the Colonel spoke to the camera equally as eloquently, but this time about the tour of duty completed and the huge sadness that so many families were not able to enjoy a homecoming. What a mess.

The thing about standing on the edge of a precipice is that there are actually only two directions you can travel - over the edge and into oblivion or stepping away, slowly to safety. Realise I do not want to fall over the edge at all but feel as if I was hijacked and transported to the cliff face against my wishes, so not sure how to reverse from a situation that I have no control over. Was talking to a friend about this the other day and they said acceptance is a useful tool. Acceptance of where we are and acceptance that you can do nothing to influence the situation at all, so railing against it is a) futile, b) exhausting and c) a complete waste of time.

Must work on acceptance.

The thing about being fifty is it sounds so grown up. There is absolutely no tangible difference in the human condition between 11.59 on the day before and midnight at the commencement of the birthday itself. But it has just has a resonance of sobriety to it. Not that I don't thank the Lord that I am fortunate to have lived for half a century and with good health and developments in science may have a good few more years left to come, it's just if the truth be told, between the ears, I'm still a teenager - and it all seems to have got so serious. Don't actually know what I want to be when I grow up.

Also it's true that the years do seem to fly-by more quickly. Apparently a psychologist told me that's because a year is a benchmark for time measurement and as we gather more of them they become, symbolically a smaller unit. So at five years a year is 20% of your life and at 50 it's 2%. And I can't believe we are now well and trully in wintertime.

Waiting for the nurse to arrive and am extremely uncomfortable as foot not behaving itself at all. Am hobbling around with a very sore, swollen, purple extremity. Ho-hum at least am hobbling around at all.

More prayers to St Therese

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x