Diary of a Soldier's Mum

Day 209 Week 29

2010-04-30T11:35:00.000-07:00

At half past eight last night I was in the kitchen cooking dinner, R was in her room doing work for uni and H was reading his book in the sitting room.

Then the front door opened.

I was startled and turned to see a silhouetted figure standing in the doorway.

Then a very familiar voice said 'hi everyone, I'm home'.

And so it happened that C was at last back home and amongst us.

Nothing to say but thank you Lord.

Fellow soldier's Mum due to have her boy back tomorrow God willing.

One more blog in a week's time.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 208 Week 29

2010-04-29T11:01:00.000-07:00

Thought C would be home by now. But he's not and then discovered the reason is he's gone to visit a comrade, who, as H put it 'had half his leg blown away'. What can you say or think when you hear such a sang-froid acknowledgement of complete ruination.

You see Afghanistan is never very far away. And as C was flying home another boy from our village was flying out and so the baton was metaphorically handed over.

H said the Rifles' de-brief last night was very interesting and it was presented by the officer who wrote the blog for the Today programme. The gist of it was an explanation as to why the soldiers had lived in small isolated patrol bases amongst the indigenous population, instead of at the larger forward operating bases as was previously the case. During the former methodology the soldiers would travel out daily and return to camp nightly, but the problem was no assimilation was developed with the people they were there to protect, and during the unguarded nights the insurgents would return and intimidate the locals so undoing any achievements. The change of tactic has proven very successful in consolidating gains with schools built, roads created and safety zones provided, but the evidence in cost to life and limb seems exponential.

Thirty Riflemen lost their lives during the tour.

H home and reading and R home and dying her skin orange. C hopefully on his way. Fellow soldier's Mum tingling with excitement and her tone has changed completely as M is also due home tomorrow.

More prayers of thanks and reflection.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 207 Week 29

2010-04-28T10:38:00.000-07:00

Well day three of home coming and it's both wonderful and very strange. Am so, so, so happy and then suddenly will feel a well of tears that it's all over. Is it disbelief? Is this real? In reality am I still in 'son posted overseas on active service' mode and this is all a dream?

The answer of course is no, this is not imagination. My son really is, thank the Lord, back in the United Kingdom and not via Selly Oak or, God bless them, Wootton Bassett.

Reflecting on the impact of the tour the overriding effect has been one of exhaustion. Exhaustion at the shear grinding relentlessness of the constant dread. Exhaustion at the never-ending mental exploration of avenues of horror which may lie around the corner. Exhaustion at the lack of sleep because the brain pings into life with a subversive chant of foreboding in the dark of the night, only to be repeated remorselessly. And exhaustion derived from a perpetual state of not knowing 'is my son still alive at this moment in time'.

Well thank God he was and we were blessed and he was lucky.

I've just returned home from yet another physio session and experienced acupuncture for the first time and hopefully it will work. H gone up to London with his father to the post-tour briefing for 3 Rifles family members. R away at uni preparing for exams. And with the grace of heaven C should be home with us tomorrow.

Fellow soldier's Mum's son now safely back in the UK too.

So many thanks Lord.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 206 Week 29

2010-04-27T11:00:00.000-07:00

The euphoria continues thank God. Am just really happy all the time. Gone is the gnawing, insidious, dread that was the ghostly soulmate for so long. Can it be true that C is actually, finally, thankfully on the last stretch?

Apparently it can.

Yes life still has its irritations, and nothing is ever totally perfect, but to be rid of Afghaniphobia is the greatest blessing anyone connected to that seething political abyss could wish for.

And yet the knowledge that more of our young, fresh faced boys and girls are at this very moment terror-ridden in that acrid dust bowl of contradictions somehow taints the personal relief that 'our' own has returned, and we really do nearly have him home. The truth is they're all 'ours' and it is at our behest that they tread the fine line between lucky life and stolen death.

God bless those still serving.

And God knows we must never forget those of us who gave their tomorrow for our today, or the countless maimed and traumatised who can still be tucked away as if forgotten.

H rang out of the blue this afternoon and it would appear he has temporarily slipped beneath the Navy's radar and is blissfully home for a few days. R text and said 'did you ring' so thankfully that means she must be OK. Heard that C is in 'recovery' today after being on the lash in Edinburgh with the boys last night, and heaven knows he deserves it.

Fellow soldier's Mum's son due back tomorrow please God.

Is it all really winding down for we blessed few Lord?

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 205 Week 29

2010-04-26T10:57:00.000-07:00

Was just about to sit at my laptop and blog more uncertainty as to loved ones and whereabouts when my phone rang.

It was C. I screamed. He said 'Hi Ma. Just got back in Edinburgh. Twenty four hours to wind down in Cyprus.'

I just cried 'oh my baby. You're home. You're home. You're back. Thank God'.

And he said 'I'll ring you with more details when we can both be calmer later'.

And I cried, and laughed, and cried some more and then shouted out into the ether 'My baby's back'.

I'd been ringing C's phone for four days and each time it went automatically to voicemail which told me he was still abroad, and now he wasn't.

Sent a text to everyone including H and R and thank you to everyone for all the love and best wishes.

Fellow soldier's Mum due to have her boy back tomorrow.

Lots of thought and prayers for those not returning.

Thank you St Therese for taking my boy under your wing and thank you Lord for this day.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 204 Week 29

2010-04-25T08:39:00.001-07:00

Twenty-nine weeks. Can't believe it was so long ago that he went out. Twenty-nine weeks and over two hundred days.

The profundity of it all really has not sunk in and am just praying for some news, any news, but obviously the most desperately wished for is that he is safe and sound and back in the UK. But still nothing.

The bush-telegraph at home is well and truly activated and everyone keeping in touch with each other either via e-mail or phone but no one seems to know anything.

Think I might ring the regiment tonight.

Heard from H and he briefly said the US was fantastic but is concerned as his friend is unwell. H still not heard from the Navy re confirmation as to what they want to do with him, and so he may flukily be home next weekend, by when hopefully C might just have made it home too. R upstairs in recovery watching emergency Hollyoaks omnibus and actually being really sweet.

Fellow soldier's Mum hanging on to every minute too and nice new friend coming over after dropping his son off. Ankles still poo.

We're still praying Lord.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 203 Week 28

2010-04-24T04:03:00.000-07:00

Limbo. That's just what it is, limbo. A state of not knowing. Between the devil and the dark blue sea, as my Grandmother used to say. But in this case hopefully the devil is not as active as he has been in previous months.

Read the blog of the Officer Commanding 3 Rifles on the BBC website and it was simply awesome. That's a word that's bandied around with abandon these days but in this instant it is absolutely appropriate. He spoke with quiet dignity about the privilege it has been to work with, and obviously command, the men in his charge and he simply listed their names as a tribute to their courage and loyalty. And of course he could never forget those not returning or already home as a result of injuries sustained.

God bless them all and rest their souls where needed.

Realise to my shame, that yesterday was St George's day, and feel quite strongly that we should celebrate the same as the Irish, Scots and Welsh do their patron saint. Anything that unites us instead of dividing us can only be a positive, and we should celebrate the characteristics and traditions that are intrinsic within the finer aspects of 'Englishness'. This is the nation that spawned parliamentary supremacy over hereditary power, the rule of law and religious tolerance. And anyway Shakespeare was born and then went on to die on the twenty-third of April and as he rightly holds the mantle of being our national philosopher, that in itself is an excuse for a national blast. My mother used to tell me that if ever I was troubled or needed to understand how or why I felt something, then if I looked to the Bard I would find the explanation.

Am going to consult the complete works after this.

Heard from H and he's back in the UK and popped down to Brighton to see friends. Still doesn't know where the Navy want him to go and he hasn't heard from C. R gone up to town for an interview and hope it goes well for her. Fellow soldier's Mum and I are mirror images of each other and am just itching with anticipation that he could, actually, please God, be on his way home.

Please Lord can we have a happy ending.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 202 Week 28

2010-04-23T10:39:00.000-07:00

Still no news of when C should arrive home God willing.

Had a call from C's gorgeous girlfriend's Mum this afternoon and she was very emotional. She had been watching GMTV in the morning and at the end of the seven o'clock news after a round-up of travel horror-stories relating to volcanic fallout, she'd heard the newsreader say 'but the good news is C, who has been serving in Afghanistan, is due to return home to his family and mother E this weekend'.

Trying to find a copy of the broadcast but am blown away by the kindness of people wanting, loving and wishing C Godspeed back to us all. As indeed all of us do for all of them out there.

Dear friend called in this evening to say hello and lift spirits and it sort of worked.

No news from or of H. R out with girlfriends in the golden, warm evening sunshine. Fellow soldier's Mum heard that her boy, M, is to be delayed by two days because of the delays.

We just want our lives and families back to where they were, nothing more.

Thank you Lord for the day given.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 201 Week 28

2010-04-22T10:04:00.000-07:00

Had a call from C and the good news is he's OK but the downside is he's still in Afghanistan.

Would appear the chaos from the volcano has precipitated more travel backlog for the military as well as civilians, and he has no idea when the will return to his homeland but thinks it could be in the next few days. Let's hope so. He assured me that as far as he was concerned, the tour was well and truly over, and all he and the men were doing was waiting around for an aircraft home. Definitely no active service. Well that was what he said anyway.

And he still has to go to Edinburgh before coming home.

Saw the doctor and have been referred urgently for physio and heat treatment on recently damaged ankle and he felt certain the pain and new swelling in formerly damaged symmetrical joint is as a result of ungainly gait.

Saw a dear friend for coffee earlier on and that lifted the spirits, and am waiting for another dear friend to pop around now.

Feel awful. Feel scared I'm never going to be normal again. Just want to get out of bed without searing pain reminding me that I can't walk.

Nice new friend been in Bath for the day and am looking forward to speaking to him later.

No news from H and C wondered if he was stranded too. R being brill and wandering around looking fab in a face mask, don't know why as she has such a beautiful peaches and cream complexion but I guess I was just the same at her age.

Fellow soldier's Mum in limbo too.

Please bring them home Lord.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 200 Week 28

2010-04-21T11:22:00.000-07:00

Two hundred days. A whole two hundred days. And to celebrate had the most incredible, fantastic, momentous news ever wished for.

C is no longer in Afghanistan.

Yes, can hardly believe it, but C is no longer in that desperately ravaged, alien land playing a hideous game of kill or be killed.

Finding it very difficult to write tonight as for all the world never once did I imagine all those dark, scary, lonely, terrifying weeks ago that I would find out by virtue of a virtual chat room that my younger son was actually, in his words, 'a third of the way home'. Now, of course, the task is trying to calculate with limited information and unknown geography, just where in the world he is.

Sent the round robin text message and as ever was blown away by the love and best wishes of everyone.

Never dare I wish this day would arrive. Never did I stop praying it would.

Saw on the MoD website that today is also the day 3 Rifles officially hand over control of the menacing terrain around Sangin to the Marines and in superb British phlegm was informed that the first task to be undertaken was a renaming ceremony. So it is that the loos are now 'heads', the cookhouse is a 'galley', brews are 'wets' and scoffs (food) are 'scrans'. Good to know priorities are recognised.

Heard from H and he said simply 'Ma the best news'. R being sweet and took me out in the car. No more news about my wandering soldier boy.

Nice new friend looking after me and fellow soldier's mum also daring to see a light at the end of the tunnel which may, possibly, not be an express train coming from the opposite direction after all.

Downside is ankles are vile.

Thank you Lord and please still keep your arms around him.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 199 Week 28

2010-04-20T12:27:00.000-07:00

Ankles poo and really painful and hate being back to being an invalid. Want to be back in the world of the animated living and not stuck in a shrunken existence yet again.

Still cannot complain if the reality is that C finishes the tour intact and I'm the one less than perfect. That's precisely the way it should be.

Delicious supper of macaroni cheese with garlic and onions, all with a warm broccoli and runner bean salad with my dear friend, colleague and buddy. She came round to see me this evening after college and it was great to see her and catch up with the news about everyone at work, and just want to be back doing my job again. Work is definitely good for the mind and to be gainfully employed in a worthwhile role is certainly salvation.

Britain still cut-off from the skies and the spillage appears to be growing as the demonic volcano has seemingly been spewing again.

Heard from H and the US Navy has redeployed the ship so he will not sail back to Blighty on board and so suppose he is technically one of the stranded across the pond. R home and revising hard for her first year university exams. And no news from C.

Fellow soldier's Mum says M told her that they will fly them back to Cyprus and then coach back to the UK, and so hope that applies to C too.

Please Lord let this cliff hanger end happily.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 198 Week 28

2010-04-19T11:22:00.000-07:00

Well the situation just becomes more and more absurd.

The Royal Navy being dispatched to foreign ports, in the form of Ark Royal and Ocean, to collect an estimated hundred thousand stranded Brits still abroad. And HMS Albion off to Spain as the Prime Minister has promised to bring 3 Rifles home, and planes can land there.

What a finale.

Don't know if C is one of those stuck in Europe or Afghanistan. Just hope and pray if it is the latter that he's not still on active service, but fear that wish may just be that.

Dear friend came and visited this evening. Good leg bad and bad leg not much better. Want to be able to walk properly. Everything's gone topsy-turvy again.

Not heard from H. R just gone out for dinner with friends. No news from C.

Fellow soldier's Mum's computer is playing up so hope that's why haven't heard from her, and that things are good for her too.

Please Lord let this bizarre climax reach a safe conclusion.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 197 Week 28

2010-04-18T10:59:00.000-07:00

Heard from C via a chat room and he told everyone, 'of all the things I thought could delay our return to the UK, I never considered a f***ing volcano'. Says it all really.

Seemingly the dust cloud was spawned by a baby volcanic eruption in Iceland, and historically whenever that has occurred then Mummy (living next door) has always followed suit and blown her top in response. And no one can remember the name of this troublesome child as it's very long and Nordic. Jury out as to whether it is male or female.

If you want to make God laugh then make plans.

C's return has been delayed.

Had a lovely day hobbling, with dear friends, around a small section of the grounds of a stunning former home turned posh hotel situated in the Thames Valley. This establishment so beloved of premiership footballers for their weddings is both divine and infamous, as it has a salacious link to a political scandal of the nineteen sixties which subsequently brought down the then government. Joyful journey there and back, as was passenger in a fabulous convertible and it was fun playing 'Thelma, Louise and friend sans Brad' with dear ones.

Dear friend on the stumble, told me that she has received the second letter from C in three days, and he is not doing 'the post' as was lead to believe, but is away from his Battalion and 'handing over'. This dear friend has religiously e-blueyed C every Sunday during the tour, and am now terrified he's not safely confined to barracks, but is still exposed to clear and present danger.

Please Lord continue to keep him and his fellow soldiers safe.

Not heard from H post demi-marathon. R arrived home with the lark and C's best friend as a chaparone at sunrise and has been very sweet today. And no more news from C.

Fellow soldier's Mum in exactly the same boat.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 196 Week 27

2010-04-17T12:35:00.000-07:00

The day absolutely perfect weather wise and it's really quiet spooky not to have jumbos straining overhead once a minute as the UK still subject to a flight ban.

Hope that doesn't affect flights returning from Afghanistan.

Had a really lazy day as leg very painful and feel like I'm going down with the cold nice new friend caught from his son. Leisurely lunch of fish and bread and cheese all washed down with some delicious white wine and am now ready for bed.

Can this really be the beginning of the last week? Have we really reached this juncture? Can all the horrors be in their final seven days of existence?

Please God it is so.

Just looked H's facebook page and he's about to run the half marathon at eight thousand feet in the New Mexico desert and the proceeds from sponsorship will be divided between Help for Heroes, Combat Stress and the Rifles' Benevolent Fund. Well done H. R in a strop because I was worried about her. And again no news from C.

Fellow soldier's Mum feels just the same. as I'm sure all the other Mums, Dads, brothers, sisters, and loved ones do.

Please Lord keep them spared.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 195 Week 27

2010-04-16T12:12:00.000-07:00

Had a wonderful day. Well it would have been perfect if C was home and with us.

Went down to the south coast in the glorious weather, and limped around one of the ancient cinque ports which was the Elizabethan town where my aunt used to live, and then down to Dungeness and another lurch this time along the shore in the shadow of the grim nuclear power station. Took lots of photos including one of Derek Jarman's former home with it's eclectic garden, and more of the quaint narrow gauge railway and the whole place looks like something out of the outback and not England. Lovely lunch including delightful fish, which is a must when visiting the seaside, and now home for goulash and new potatoes.

Bizarrely all aircraft flights have now been grounded over the UK for two days as there has been a cloud of volcanic ash hanging over us emanating from an eruption in Iceland. Strange to see the sign on the M25 saying 'Heathrow and Gatwick closed'.

Then had a worrying call from a dear colleague and hopefully her friend will be fine as he has to undergo tests and that's always a worry.

Had fellow soldier's Mum and her son, M, on my mind today as we are both tingling with hope and nervous anticipation that maybe, just maybe, our boys can actually come home.

Not heard from H. R just gone out looking ravishing in what appeared to be a handkerchief and a pair of tights, 'I'm, like, going out now, bye'. And no news of or from C.

Thank you Lord for your support so far and can you just keep them safe until the tour finishes, please.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 194 Week 27

2010-04-15T12:35:00.000-07:00

Went to the GP with dodgy ankle (good one, not bad one) in the morning and have some sort of 'itis' which means swelling will continue and may need steroid injections in a month if it does not settle down. Ho hum if that's the worst that happens will be fine. Don't care what happens to me just want C home.

Went down to the river and watched a scene out of heaven at dusk, then popped into a pub in an ancient area of woodland where they filmed Robin Hood with Kevin Costner, which was one of C's favourites when he was young, and now am grabbing a Thai curry and then bed.

No news from H and hoping it's going well Stateside. R babysat half sister today and is now out. And no news from C.

Fellow soldier's Mum and I holding each other's invisible hand at the moment.

Please Lord it can be fine.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 193 Week 27

2010-04-14T12:41:00.000-07:00

Just back from a beautiful walk by father Thames and a pint in quintessentially quirky riverside inn and all bathed in the most glorious sunset. The sun was a huge red orb as it fell below the horizon.

Had the most dreadful night's sleep last night, was back downstairs at four in the morning pacing the floor with night-terrors reinstated and had forgotten how awful the middle of the night panic attacks were. Then received an e-mail from C and he said it's crazy as they're handing over to the Marines and loads of stuff to be done.

Back to praying and clock watching.

No news from H. R has been working on the essay all day and is now out with friends. C on the MoD website as they posted a story on his platoon working with the ANA to develop relationships and skills levels.

Fellow soldier's Mum holding on as well.

Please Lord can we have a happy ending.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 192 Week 27

2010-04-13T11:03:00.000-07:00

Please God this is the home stretch. And just like any race to the finish am fully aware that anything can happen.

Day cold but yet again gloriously sunny and it's my dear aunt's and sister-in-law's birthday so lots of happy returns, love and best wishes for the year ahead dispatched to both.

Spent the afternoon with a friend who's having a really hard time thanks to the father of her children attempting to abdicate his responsibilities, and never cease to be horrified at the way some people can turn their back on their offspring. How could anyone deny their children? Blood should always be thick even if it is shared with new water.

Heard from fellow soldier's Mum and we're both wishing and hoping and praying for a happy conclusion to the tour.

H enjoying the trip to America and he still hasn't said if he's returning home only to fly back out to join the US Navy or whether he'll go straight to join them in Virginia. Hope he managed to get his uniform finished. R had a day socialising with friends and now out in my car. And no news of or from C.

My nice new friend having a couple of days being a good daddy with his son, watching football and cooking sausage and mash for dinner.

Please Lord let it be well.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 191 Week 27

2010-04-12T10:13:00.000-07:00

The day sunny and veering from warm to bitingly cold.

The dissident republicans have set off a bomb in Northern Ireland in response to policing being handed over to the province and cannot believe for a second that anyone in their right mind would want that beautiful land to return to mayhem. Maybe that's it, they're not in their right minds, they're actually bonkers.

Maybe the necessary criteria in the motivation behind a desire to climb the greasy pole of power is a tendency towards bonkerdom.

Would explain an awful lot about the state of the world today.

Dreadful train crash in Italy killing nine people and injuring many more.

Spent the day in the company of my nice new friend, and we called in at work so that I could collect my salary slip and then complete R's university loan application and NNF met two of my dear colleagues. Then it was off to gorgeously sunny Windsor for a stroll around the town and saw a soldier and wanted to speak to him, but somehow it didn't seem appropriate. Then back to NNF's flat for a change of clothes and now home for beouf burguinion, roasted shallots, roasted potatoes and fresh vegetables.

R out with friends and has asked H to get her a 'NY teeshirt pleeeeeese', adding the reminder that she was the one who got them up at the crack of dawn on Sunday, like. H staying in a forces hostel in the epinymous city. And no news from C.

Fellow soldier's Mum weary and wants her boy home.

Please Lord let them all come home to their loved ones.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 190 Week 27

2010-04-11T10:39:00.000-07:00

Over half a year of this trial over, thank God, but as the saying goes it's not over until the large lady sings and I don't hear any arias just yet.

Dreadful plane crash in part of the former Soviet Union, killing a whole swathe of Poland's leadership including the president, and the result has been devastating.

On a lighter note yesterday evening was definitely almost perfect. Plans changed at the very last moment so H had dinner with NNF and I, the spicey meatballs in a vegetable and tomato sauce washed down with a delicious red wine and it was scrumptious. Then off to the local for the surprise gathering in honour of H's twenty-fifth and it was absolutely brilliant - everyone in really good form and a hoot. R, C's friends, fellow soldier, gorgeous girlfriend and my dear friend and family all in attendance along with NNF and it was fabulous.

C was extremely missed and we did, of course, toast absent friends. Seemingly he is now at the main base sorting out the logistics of delivering the parcels from home sent by loved ones to the boys and girls on duty. And the time in the hour glass is slipping very slowly by.

Today, NNF at work and had a really pleasant stroll/lurch through idyllic countryside beside a stream flowing through watercress beds with my dear friends who were such good company, and now it's home for dinner and bed. Feel ridiculously tired, considering am cruising through the life of Riley, and the mattress is beckoning but suddenly all hell has broken loose as the cooking has just set the fire alarm to screeching point. Couldn't put the blooming thing off and now am sitting with doors and windows open and must remember to clean out the oven tomorrow.

H text to say 'New York, New York have arrived'. R out for late lunch with friends and not dining with me after all. No news from C.

Heard from my NNF and he's at work. No news from fellow soldier's Mum so hope she and M an family are safe and well.

Yet more prayers to the Lord for his continuing support.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 189 Week 26

2010-04-10T09:03:00.000-07:00

Is today perfect?

Alas no, because youngest son is still on active service in Afghanistan handing over to the Marines who are due to replace 3 Rifles in Sangin. The return home of the Regiment will be staggered and hopefully all will return safely.

Well that's the prayer anyway.

Was mulling over the last six months with the NNF and why it is that the last two weeks are so very hard to handle, and decided that all the angst and concern of the whole tour is now condensed into the final fourteen days.

So near and yet so very, very far indeed.

H home and really good fun, the day spectacularly sunny and warm and my nice new friend is with us celebrating H's birthday. I am sitting in my chair next to the window wearing H's cap and he's trying to cajole me into sewing all the buttons onto his tropical uniform.

Surprise gathering in the local pub for H and he hasn't got a clue but thinks everyone doesn't care about his birthday which is exactly the opposite of the case. Those who love him will be with him dv, and then he's off to the US of A in the morning.

Meatballs and pasta cooking for NNF and I before the pub. H here and waiting for best friend to arrive from Brighton and he's in the Times on line. R just popped home and arranging the evening's merriment. C rang to wish happy birthday and H missed his call.

Fellow soldier's Mum clingling on too.

Please Lord bring them home.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Days 185, 186, 187 and 188 Week 26

2010-04-09T10:04:00.000-07:00

A Retrospective Blog

TUESDAY 6th APRIL

It's only when you experience something that is as it should be that you become truly aware of how wrong things have always been previously.

Tuesday was the day NNF and I drove down to Dorset. Was humming and harring about the wisdom of leaving the security of home re bad leg, daughter and turbulence with boyfriend/non boyfriend, both combined with the regular anxiety attached to leaving the familiar domain just in case something cataclysmic should happen and I would be on the equivalent of the dark side of the moon and therefore uncontactable. Anyway NNF assured all would be well and if it wasn't then we would simply drive the two hours home straightaway.

So Dorset it was.

NNF had decided to surprise me with both location and destination and so it was we drove down the M3 in glorious sunshine and I had the privilege of being a passenger who watched England's beautiful landscape change almost imperceptibly into the divine, rolling, patchwork west country and the sea.

We arrived at our bolt hole and was completely ill prepared for the enchanting spectacle of the restored former Benedictine Monastry which was to be our home for the time away.

It was quite simply exquisite. Ancient sandstone buildings huddled around a lake with vivid green fields as far as the eye could see all leading down to the golden beach and turquoise sea in the near distance. Ruined arches were all that remained of some parts of the priory as what Henry had failed to do Cromwell had subsequently succeeded in achieving.

The hostess explained that the house we stayed in was the former dormitory for the monks and our bathroom was the old contemplation room where the clerics would give thanks for sustenance received after a meal.

And it was utterly adorable.

We drove to Weymouth in the evening, rang friends and family and gave out land-line numbers in case of an emergency, and then had something to eat beside the harbour. We talked about C and could it really be that the end of the tour was so near and so possibly tangible. And my NNF said it was possibly just so.

When we arrived back we walked around the old church in the darkness and I silently said a prayer in hope and thanks.

No Wifi or mobile signal where we were so hence the retrospection.

WEDNESDAY 7th APRIL

A dear friend told me that she and her son had both received written letters from C. He couldn't believe the six months was nearly up and apparently was contemplating what a profound experience the whole tour had been. Seemingly he said it was life altering.

Please God he will come home.

Spent the day being pampered by the kindness and affection of NNF and we visited the ancient Chapel of St Catherine, which all Benedictine's traditionally have as a hermitage, and said yet another prayer that all could be well.

Then we drove along the sparkling coast which owing to the fabulous weather had the appearance of the Mediterranean and stopped at a town to visit a farmer's market when nearly had a cardiac arrest for there on the pavement in front of us was my line manager. We hugged in disbelief and chatted about how captivating the area was and then wished each other well and in a state of awe at the coincidence NNF and I drove to Lyme Regis.

Sat by the sea in silence watching and listening to the waves rolling in when finally it was time to drive back to our medieval nest and dinner.

Said more prayers and actually slept really well for once.

THURSDAY 8th APRIL

Time to leave our idyll.

Drove along the coast and stopped off at a beautiful cliff top where years ago I'd looked out at the crashing wild free ocean in such a state of misery that I'd wanted to become the momentous water myself.

I stood on exactly the same spot but this time in a state of hope that maybe this hideous episode of war with all its tentacles of wretchedness was actually nearing completion and was struck by how life was really a slalom strewn with obstacles and you can never really plan which way to turn until the moment prior to collision.

Please God it can end with my baby home.

Then heard from H and he said C was facebooking as he was no longer out in isolation but was at the FOB HQ for 3 Rifles, but still doing the dreaded foot patrols though.

H was at the Graduation ceremony of the course following his, and out of the blue he'd been given twenty minutes to prepare a presentation for the First Sea Lord. Told him 'you can do it babe', and he replied by asking since when did I call him 'babe'. He then let it drop that he'd won another prize on the Warfare course, met the Duke of Edinburgh and should be in the Times this weekend. At which precise moment the Harrier flew over our heads from the fly-past at Dartmouth and I thought how wonderful life is.

NNF and I meandered along the bewitching coast pulling in fish and chips and the odd steam train and finally arrived home at about eight o'clock.

R pleased to see us and am really counting the days down to the end now.

FRIDAY 9th APRIL

Tragically caught up with the news and another soldier has been killed may he RIP.

It just goes on and on.

Heard from fellow soldier's Mum, bless her and M, and she was concerned as I'd been so quiet and explained the difficulty re signal and was so touched by her concern. We all know how each other feels.

Spent the day shopping as H should be home just for tomorrow and it's his twenty-fifth birthday.

Where have those years gone.

Not heard from H. R chilling and out with friends. And no news from C.

Thank you to my kind new friend for showing me how life can be.

Thank you Lord and please keep us going.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 184 Week 26

2010-04-05T11:04:00.000-07:00

Easter Monday.

Interesting night.

R very upset as disagreement with ex-boyfriend/sometimes boyfriend. Lots of howling and leaving of doors open and my nice new friend very supportive as he hadn't gone home so he was very kind and made sure R was at home and safe.

Then lunch today with my family. Cousin cooked the most delicious meal, roast lamb, roast potatoes, roast tomatoes, deep fried zuccinni and broccolli, and nice new friend drove and R and I had such quality time, and nice new friend enjoyed it too. NNF's son safely despatched to Barcelona on football trip and think he enjoyed the day as well.

No news from H. R concilliatory. No news from C.

Fellow soldier's Mum just wants her boy home now too.

Good to see family and laugh, and toasted absent friends.

Please Lord more of the same please.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 183 Week 26

2010-04-04T13:20:00.000-07:00

Easter Sunday.

No easter egg hunt but a lovely lunch with friends and introduced my nice new friend and it was fun. Was supposed to go and see the Soldiers tonight at the Albert Hall but can't walk properly and so my dear colleague has gone with her husband

Weather cold, and fresh, and have seen that C has left a message on an internet site and I just miss him so much and wish he was home and safe and here.

No news from H. R out with friends. And no news directly from C.

Fellow soldier's Mum feeling just the same.

Please Lord more of the same.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 182 Week 25

2010-04-03T07:55:00.000-07:00

The evening out with friends was really good fun and lots of empathy as one of the girls was going through a particularly rough patch at the hands of her guy, cake and eat it seemed to be his order of the day. Never very nice to be on the receiving end of such a tactic.

Then arrived home and fell asleep on the sofa watching the TV and woke up and went upstairs to a very cold bedroom as it was freezing again last night.

Saturday has now arrived and saw on the news that German soldiers have tragically killed some members of the ANA. I'm shocked to discover that Germany has the third largest NATO contingent out there with a total of nearly five and a half thousands soldiers on the ground and it would appear the car the Afghans were traveling in failed to stop when asked and the Germans opened fire.

Met my nice new friend's son for lunch today and he's as gorgeous as he looks, and he goes to the same school that R went to and he's off to Spain for a football tournament on Monday. Then nice new friend and I went for a very gentle stroll by the river in the cold and damp, and then sat in a beautiful riverside inn and had a pint by the fire before coming home to pork and crackling with roasted sweet potatoes and salad.

Heard from H and he said don't send any more parcels out to C as they're not forwarding them to 3 Rifles as they're so close to the end of the tour. Can it really be so. R home and getting ready to go out. And still no news from C.

Fellow soldier's Mum working really hard and is very tired and hopefully our boys should return home within a couple of days of each other.

Please Lord can they continue to be kept safe.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 181 Week 25

2010-04-02T07:12:00.000-07:00

Good Friday and it's really cold and damp.

Lunch cooking, fish of course. New potatoes, broccoli, carrots, roasted tomatoes and cucumber salad all with my nice new friend who is then off to work through the night. Last night was lovely - sausage and mash and lots of chat and laughter.

Oh my how I miss the kids being little.

See on the news that one of the Moscow suicide bombers was a seventeen year old widow and shudder to think what has happened to bring her to that mode of action. Nearly forty people died and many horribly injured. And so the cycle of killing continues.

Fun Friday so meeting everyone for a pint in the pub at five, well more to the point being picked up as still not walking properly. Not heard from H. R still not home from popping out to see friends last night. No news from C.

Not heard from fellow soldier's Mum and hope everything is OK for her and her son.

Met my nice new friend's son today and he's gorgeous.

Please Lord keep everyone safe.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 180 Week 25

2010-04-01T05:01:00.001-07:00

Another soldier killed RIP. He was with the Coldstreams, and that's who fellow soldier's Mum's boy is with. You're never very far removed from this horrible, dreadful war.

The Colonel in charge of 3 Rifles has made a speech in the run up to the end of the tour, and he spoke of how the Riflemen have become synonymous with sacrifice. There have been nearly thirty dead and a hundred injured, many of them horrifically, and if all the other family and friends of those still serving feel like me then they are just about holding on in the belief that there may, after all, be a happy ending.

With the help of God they will come home.

Must never forget the wounded and fallen though, ever.

Still off work as a result of the spectacular fall on Monday. Colleagues being really sweet and ringing up and sending love and best wishes and really miss being amongst them and the kids we work with.

Weather gone bitterly cold again. Devastating snow in Scotland and it's wet, windy and biting down here. Easter set to have it's share of choppy, turbulence with isobars racing in across the Atlantic and hope it's going to improve for the Dorset mystery tour with my nice new friend or we'll just have to be holed up inside for three days with nothing to do. Can't do any walking at the moment anyway.

Heard from H and have despatched his cash card off to the west country. R home and we're going to our cousin's gorgeous home to have lunch with them on Easter Monday. No news from C. Fellow soldier's Mum sends love bless her and my nice new friend on his way and we're sharing bangers and mash tonight.

Easter eggs bought in triplicate as ever and just hope they are consumed with the usual gusto by all three.

Please Lord that will be so.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 179 Week 25

2010-03-31T06:19:00.000-07:00

Saw the utterly moving images of the repatriation ceremony of the fallen three returned home through Wootton Basset yesterday and amongst them were two Rifleman. May God rest all their souls.

One was a sergeant and everyone knows they are the backbone of the Army. But the other Rifleman was a boy and was stunned to see that he was one of three brothers who were all serving in Afghanistan together, the two surviving had been flown home to be on compassionate leave with their parents, and so were able to welcome their lost brother home.

Thought we no longer ran the risk of multiple casualties affecting close communities simultaneously as they did during the first war with the devastated Pal's regiments, when whole families and communities were wiped out in an instant.

Oh my how must the brother's be feeling, to realise that one was taken and they are alive, hope to goodness they aren't tormented by survivor's guilt.

And then was stunned because I noticed a link on the bbc website and it led back to the father of the three boys speaking in January about what it felt like to have them all serving together, and he said he was very proud but that it was obviously a worry. He went on to say there was a policy that they were never allowed to serve at the same time and in the same place, but now the poor lad is gone.

Went to the doctor's and the 'good' ankle is now subject to soft tissue damage and have the gait of an elderly jockey. Must continue taking the pain killers that make my bed fly and keep the leg up. The good news is my nice new friend is on his way back from town and he's the kindest nurse imaginable.

No news from H, who must still be on a high from the news that he has the posting he dreamed of. R went into uni for an emergency revisions session, whatever that is. No news from C.

Fellow soldier's Mum shared love and best wishes.

Please God we can all survive the next month. Please God.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 178 Week 25

2010-03-30T10:31:00.001-07:00

At home on pain killers and leg elevated to reduce swelling, and that's the good one. Felt really tired and so had a lazy day and kept going back to sleep. Feels better than it did yesterday thank goodness and hopefully back to work tomorrow.

My nice new friend looked after me so kindly and then he went home and have started to miss him when he's not around. He's so kind and calm.

Heard from H and he's done really well and one of the top four on the warfare course and so has been posted to finish his training on small ships which means he will actually get to command. R being really sweet and kind and the salmon on croute at the dinner party last night was a great success.

And just now the phone rang and it was C.

He's tired, been on operations for four straight days without rest and couldn't tell me anything about what he'd been doing, but some of his guys had been injured and yes, the Rifles have been hammered.

And he's got a long way left to serve and he's doing over the six months.

Hope fellow soldier's Mum and her family are well.

Please Lord don't give up on us and keep everyone safe

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 177 Week 25

2010-03-29T10:18:00.000-07:00

The young boy soldier who was killed has been named and he was with B Company and he looked so beautiful and young and now he's gone, God rest his soul.

Dreadful suicide bombs in Moscow, two of them on crowded tube trains and detonated by women. Somehow runs contrary to the role of the female as traditionally perceived, no longer life givers but angels of death. How dreadful it all is.

Had a fitful night's sleep and work was good and then late this morning I was walking across a classroom filled with construction lads and caught my toe on the lecturer's chair and stumbled forward clawing the air whilst simultaneously feeling as if someone had just shot my ankle. Anyway everyone very kind and supportive and was whisked off to hospital by a colleague and it's not broken just a bad sprain and now sitting like a lemon feeling thoroughly sorry for myself.

More elevation and manipulation and pain relief.

Heard from H and he's panicking as his bank card has not arrived. R and friends preparing for a dinner party for another friend for which R has created salmon on croute, 'mum, like, can you cook salmon, like, and heat it again later'. Very swiftly explained the dangers to both taste and health of reheating cooked fish.

Fellow soldier's Mum had a good weekend and hoping and praying for a happy ending too.

My nice new friend my nurse for the evening and he's really kind and sweet and running around and spoiling me.

Just heard on the news that a soldier killed was actually on his very last patrol at the very end of his tour RIP. How awful.

Please Lord look after them.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 176 Week 25

2010-03-28T10:20:00.000-07:00

The soldier from 3 Rifles killed yesterday by a suicide car bomb has still not been named, neither has the Company he was serving with. C's Company is C Company.

Prince Charles visited the troops this week and commented on the 'bloody awful time' the Rifles have had whilst on tour. Nothing more to add really.

The 'A' list party last night was fun, Alladin, Morticia Adams, Audrey Hepburn, Adam Ant and our host in the most fantastic Andy-pandy suite to name but a few. I went as a cow-girl in honour of Annie get your gun, and found it incredibly difficult to purchase said hardware and settled for a pair of sizzling red water pistols.

Isn't it ironic that it is considered so politically incorrect to play with toy weapons and yet we cheerfully bundle specimens of our youth off to another land to be assaulted by every kind of armament imaginable, including same, without batting an eye lid. We apply safety on a very selective basis.

Just seen that Barack Obama is also visiting Afghanistan - it's almost like this is the week of the celebrity appearance. The rich and famous only have to pop in and out though.

Had the most wonderful weekend in years. Absolutely delightful. Didn't want it to end. My nice new friend is the most gorgeous company and this evening he's cooking Sunday dinner for his boy.

Just hope there is nothing dreadful waiting to cloud the bliss.

Heard from H and he's left Brighton and is feeling flat as he's due to go to sea for a long stretch and the uncertainty of where that will be is concerning him. R recovered from her gathering last night which culminated with a trip to the local country club at midnight and now she's gone to visit her father in my car.

Fellow soldier's Mum sends her love.

Please look after them Lord

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 175 Week 24

2010-03-27T11:41:00.000-07:00

Had a lovely lazy day, went shopping for water pistols for a fancy dress party tonight with my very nice new friend. Then we went to visit a gorgeous friend of mine and bought some grub to have before we go out.

Came home to the news on the radio that another soldier has been killed and he was with 3 Rifles looking for IEDs when a car bomb killed him, RIP the poor lamb.

Haven't heard anything and am praying everyone who can be is safe and well.

Heard from H and he's in Brighton again for a party and I'm on look out duty for mail for him. R home and having a few select friends around for a discreet gathering where no doubt conversation will gently flow from culture to art to politics, or maybe not in view of the vast amount of vodka that has just been carted upstairs. And no news of or from C.

Please Lord we need your help.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 174 Week 24

2010-03-26T10:52:00.000-07:00

Fun Friday and the day was good thank goodness.

Work fine, everyone in really good form and now just got back from the pub with my really nice new friend and the shepherd's pie is running late as had forgotten how complicated creating same can be.

Oh my how the tone can change.

Just came into the house in a bundle of laughter as I firstly lost my keys and secondly couldn't open the door and we put the tv on and caught the end of the news and oh no but I think I heard the tail end of an announcement that another soldier has been killed. May God rest his soul.

You see no matter how far you think you've gone from it all it rears its ugly head and bites you on the bum and reminds you of its powerful horror.

No news from H. R out in my car and has taken the DVD player for a girlie's night. And no news from C.

Fellow soldier's Mum thankfully feeling better.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 173 Week 24

2010-03-25T11:58:00.000-07:00

Back to dual existence. Normal one minute and then terror the next.

Just heard the poor Rifleman killed the other day has been named, God rest his soul. How many grieving hearts are spread in every direction. Just shudder to think about all that pain.

Work faffy. Admin all morning and a career's fair in the afternoon. Chatted to the guys from the Army and Air Force and then back to the classroom and drug awareness. Colleagues really good fun though and have been well and truly taken under their wing and they made me laugh and laugh at ridiculousness. That's the best thing to do with it really.

Home really late and there was a freak storm and the village was flooded. Came into the house and loads of odds and sods to sort out and just want to get into my pj's and get ready for bed.

Had a lovely message of support from one of H and C's gorgeous friends on my answerphone and rang him back and he was so sweet saying such positive things about what C's doing and how proud it must be to be his mother. And although I am, deeply, I would trade that in an instant as all I really want and pray for now is for him to come home.

Spoke to H and he's in really good form and by some miraculous fluke has apparently managed to blag his way into the Governor's Ball in Albuquerque. And he's also running a half marathon in the desert with his friend to try and raise two and a half thousand pounds for Help for Heroes. R just bundled through the front door back from uni and is looking far too fabulous considering she's drenched and extremely windswept, 'Mum, it's, like, really wet out there'. And still no news from C.

My nice new friend rang and has just arrived at work and may see him in the morning when he drives back from the station but should definitely see him in the evening as I'm cooking him shepherd's pie for supper and then we're doing a nice long walk on Saturday afternoon.

Fellow soldier's Mum sends love and I think we each know exactly how the other one feels.

Thank you Lord for what you've given us so far, and could you just let him come home safely please.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 172 Week 24

2010-03-24T11:44:00.000-07:00

Well it's the budget today and can't get excited about it as feel totally detached from most of the categories affected. It's like I've slipped under the financial radar. That said, if they slash further education, could be well and truly stuffed.

Just got home and visited friend on the way back and had a chat and a laugh and a delicious cup of coffee. Then apologised to another friend as she and her husband had very kindly included me in an invitation for drinks on Sunday evening but owing to a state of being totally knackered, having tried to call once when the phone was engaged to explain lack of attendance, completely forgot to ring back and must have appeared very rude. She was very sweet though and understood both the affects of knackerdom and an attention span the length of a bewildered gnat.

Spring seemed to definitely be in the air today.

Sat in the park at lunchtime in warm sunshine with colleague putting the world to rights. Love the people I work with, they're such good company and have a tremendous sense of fun, but that's not meant to imply they're not completely professional within the working environment. Functioning in the field we do with some of the students we have means a healthy sense of humour is sometimes the only thing keeping you sane.

There were the inevitable moments of irritating tail chasing though and that was a pain. Then am mindful of how different the consequences of my moments of ire must be to those of C and in a split second am humbled. What constitutes a bad day for me probably doesn't even register on his scale.

Oh Lord back to the dread.

Not heard from H. Heard from R and she's fine thank goodness and does have said teeshirt. Still no news from C.

Fellow soldier's Mum still poorly bless her and my nice new friend is with his son again.

Please God all can be fine.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 171 Week 24

2010-03-23T12:09:00.000-07:00

It's really wet and have just got home from visiting a friend and am in my pyjamas and have got a really sore throat. Still as the saying goes, if that's the worse that happens I'll have a good life.

Work flew by in the classic state of too much to do and too little time. Plastering all morning and am now fully conversant with the procedure of screeding a floor. Followed by ICT and CV creation. Actually all went really well.

Just want C home and am in a bit of a state of agitation right now. Maybe it's the rain teeming down and clattering against the window that makes me want to be curled up with everyone I love safe and sound and with me.

Must stay positive and not dwell on every alternative of horror that could befall mankind.

Poor fellow soldier's Mum has been struck down with the flu and is really ill. It's that time of year when we all nearly collapse from winter-fatigue but then hopefully the wisp of Spring arrives in the nick of time and jolts us back to life.

Well that's the hope anyway.

Heard from H and the reason they learn to navigate by the stars is that if, for some reason, they no longer have access to satellites then the Navy can still sail the seven seas, didn't like to ask if that meant only at night. Not heard from R even though I tried to contact her about missing items of my clothing, specifically orange Gap tee-shirt. Not heard from C.

My nice new friend being a good daddy and collecting his son from football training, and he's surprised me with a trip to the west country, which is something really really nice to look forward to.

Please Lord everything else can be just as really really nice too.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 170 Week 24

2010-03-22T11:38:00.000-07:00

A colleague at work read out the news that another poor Rifleman was killed early this morning, may God rest his soul, and can only think of the family and the dreadful loss and pain they must be experiencing. The Rifles are being hammered poor lambs.

The nearer the scheduled end becomes the slower time seems to be passing.

Work was good but hectic. Colleague's birthday and was in class almost all day as in an extra lesson, but the kids were actually OK to good, and that always makes a difference. Construction and Beauty, what an interesting pairing, it's as if the boys in the building industry evolved to become the consorts of the girls in the pampering professions. A profoundly symbiotic relationship involving an awful lot of coy glances, loud giggling and hair twiddling exchanged with macho posturing, male bonding and involuntary staring across the quad, particularly when the sun shines.

Heard from H and he's one of five from the RN who have been chosen to complete their astro-nav with the US Navy and they'll fly over there for a week and then sail back across the Atlantic on a US carrier, and he's thrilled. Apparently 'astro-nav' is navigating by the stars. Was stunned to think that was still on the radar of strategies in these days of satellite technology but suppose they could find themselves stranded in a dingy one day and you never know maybe it could come in useful. R arrived home this morning and I didn't have to take her to Uxbridge for the train as she had a lift. No news from C.

Fellow soldier's Mum and I in exactly the same boat and are crawling to the end of the tour.

Heard from my nice new friend and he's well too.

All I can do is repeat the prayer, Lord please keep them safe and bring them home.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 169 Week 24

2010-03-21T10:42:00.000-07:00

Went to the twenty-first last night and it was really good. My nice new friend came too and we chatted with the young and not so young and everyone had a really good time. Lots of anecdotes about H, C and R which was really sweet and they were certainly missed. The boy is completing his training to be a scout out in Afghanistan and his mother said that this time she's going to try and hold it together as last time everyone, including herself, thought she was going mad. That's just how it feels, teetering on the brink of loosing it and just about managing to stay the right side of the line.

My nice new friend having the day with his son so off to football this morning and he was such good company, and once we got back from the party caught the remainder of the France v England game, and then sat talking far too long and it was very late by the time I hit the mattress. Went for a gorgeous walk with friends this afternoon around the house and grounds of Disraeli's nearby former residence, which also happened to be a top secret RAF post for making maps for bomber command during the second world war, and the tangible evidence of Spring was everywhere to be seen. Daffodils gingerly sticking their heads out of the earth, new born lambs bleating in the distance and doves fluttering up against each other, and all in the most gorgeous, warm sunshine.

Have coincidentally heard from several sources this week that prior to C's posting he was asking everyone from family to friends and neighbours to 'keep an eye on Mum and make sure she's alright', and the irony is of course, that I have no heed for my own safety whatsoever and only care and pray for that of others.

Heard from H and he's had a couple of days on a very choppy small ship bobbing about in the waters outside Cardiff and is 'knackered'. R in recovery after her Essex cultural visit. Not heard from C but at the party several said that they had spoken to him during the week. Fellow solidier's Mum sends the love and support she always does, and I hope I help her as much as she helps me.

Am now going to complete the maths paper which for one reason or another did not get finished on Friday.

Look after them all please Lord.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 168 Week 23

2010-03-20T08:05:00.000-07:00

Absolutely lovely evening. Supper and talking until an extremely late hour and then fell asleep and actually slept for a change. And now today we're going to the twenty-first of a friend of C's and he's also a soldier and due to go back out in September. There seems to be a constant merry-go-round of out and back and I read yesterday that the infantry soldier can now expect to go to Afghanistan once in every two years.

Was supposed to be going for a long walk but the day turned into a very lazy feast of lolling around. And now watching the rugby and Wales beating Italy twelve-nil. Wonder if C ever gets to see or hear the rugby as he loves it so much.

Think I'm going to be totally decadent and have a sleep before the drinks this evening.

No news from H. R off to a party the other side of the M25,and trying to remain upbeat and not neurotic about the thought of her out on the razzle in Essex. No news from C and am just hoping the same as I always hope.

Fellow soldier's Mum plodding on too.

Keep them safe please Lord.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 167 Week 23

2010-03-19T11:58:00.000-07:00

Fun Friday and it's raining and work was good and it's the end of the week thank goodness.

Am waiting for my new friend to arrive and the night's ghastly and saw him again this morning and this time I surprised him on the school run.

Heard from fellow soldier's Mum and the exponential relationship between nearness to end of tour, stoked by fear, and coupled to the realisation that we have ridden our luck so far, and will we be able to ride the lady of fortune until the happy ending we so desperately seek. Please God we shall.

No news from H. R out and about in my car and hope she's OK because the evening's foul. No news from C but may the Lord and providence keep him safe and bring him home.

Supper extremely late.

Thank you Lord.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 166 Week 23

2010-03-18T11:49:00.000-07:00

No news from C and have dutifully sent ketchup and garlic mayonnaise off to a foreign land and hope they don't burst on the journey as it will make a heck of a mess.

Saw on the news that two bomb disposal experts have been given the George Cross, one there to receive the honour personally and the other presented to the late soldier's widow in his honour. It's wonderful to see them recognised for the awesome duty and selflessness they perform and I can't begin to think how they do what they actually do, or did do, day after day after day. But thank goodness they can go on doing it knowing all the consequences imaginable and don't display the reluctance or fear we ordinary mortals possess.

Work good. Really needy students some of whom have had horrendous past experiences and they were very well behaved and keen to do well which is always a treat. Then drove home and weather wet and cold and real surprise as R home from college unexpectedly and she's really good and told me she wants to go and see my cousin and family over the Easter break.

Then had a call from another soldier's Mum and it's her son's twenty-first on Saturday, and he's C's best friend, and she's invited me and new friend to a drinks do at five in the afternoon and that's something nice to look forward to. And am also seeing new friend tomorrow night and have been ribbed mercilessly by colleagues a work as we're having a very exclusive evening having supper and doing practice maths papers.

Not heard from H and hope Cardiff went well. R just off in my car somewhere. Still now news from C. And fellow soldier's Mum finding it really, really hard.

Please Lord let them come home safely

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 165 Week 23

2010-03-17T11:10:00.000-07:00

Two soldiers from the Anglian Regiment killed, RIP, and yet again they just look like children.

Was back downstairs at three this morning with the brain like a concrete mixer. Had a glass of milk and did eventually fall back asleep but everything is so much more scary in the dark of the night. I suppose that's why little children like to sleep with the light on, the shadows don't play so many tricks that way.

Work was good with lots of lovely Health and Social Care followed by dreamy Art and am now going to go for a walk in the hope that it will foster a better sleeping environment than the last few nights. Then dinner and bed. Well that's the hope anyway.

Realise I'd started time-travelling again with the chronology of the blog and that's always a sign of intellectual malfunction. Seem to be quite a few of those lately.

Didn't fail to see nice new friend this morning as he was late leaving town. Not heard from H but he's been invited to a really posh wedding. Heard from R who rang and said 'Mum, this is, like, really stressful, but can you, like, use cayenne instead of Cajun spice, because I can't, like, find any'. Duly explained dangers of over-using chilli-pepper and as R then read out the contents of the herb shelf at her local Co-op, recommended she opt for chicken seasoning as an alternative. And she said 'thank you Mum'. Not heard from C. Heard from fellow soldier's Mum and she's feeling really tired. And that's just how I feel too.

Please keep them safe Lord.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 164 Week 23

2010-03-16T12:06:00.000-07:00

A poor soldier died today at Selly Oak Hospital. He'd returned home in February but didn't make it, may he rest in peace. The thought of him holding on for so long only to die is so horrendous.

Then I spoke to my dear friend whose Mother lives in Wootton Bassett and was there when the Riflemen came home last week and she said it's absolutely extraordinary. Apparently you literally can hear the birds sing whilst a crowd of many hundreds stand in total silence.

Drove home at the end of a beautifully sunny day and then began to feel really sad and don't know why so suddenly.

Fellow soldier's Mum said she's limping to the finishing line and that's exactly how it feels. Limp, limp, limp. So near and yet to reiterate the cliche, so very, very far. Bad dreams again last night and woke up at three in the morning but managed to get back to sleep, but am definitely troubled. Is it dread or is it the onset of Spring and the Vernal Equinox with all the mystical energy our forebears revered? Who can tell. Just know the upshot is darkness is back to being scary and the wee-small-hours a cavernous empty torment.

The had a really bad guilt trip today as remembered C had asked for another parcel to be sent out when he rang on Sunday, and as well as the usual there was a special request for ketchup and garlic mayonnaise. And I forgot. How could I forget something so important as ketchup and garlic mayonnaise? Spent the day in rabid self-reproach at oversight and on my way home went shopping to try to rectify the error. Ketchup and garlic mayonnaise have now grown into monstrous proportion and have an illogical desire to dispatch them to Afghanistan with more haste than is possible.

Suspect it could be a case of transference of anxiety.

On a happier note apparently I was yet again unaware my lovely new friend and I passed each other on the way to and from work this morning, and he just rang and made me laugh and to have someone make you happy when you're sad is just really, really nice.

No news from H. R rang and without a pause asked 'Mum, like, can you put mushrooms into California risotto instead of, like, sweetcorn 'cause my friend doesn't like sweetcorn?', and I told her she could. No news from C and California risotto is one of his favourite meals.

Keep up the work please Lord.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 163 Week 23

2010-03-15T11:22:00.000-07:00

Terrible night's sleep. Woke up with a start and knew it involved C but couldn't place it properly. It's left me feeling really uneasy.

Think it could be because he'd told me they'd found all those IEDs, and actually the last thought I want to hold in the world is my son being in any proximity to one of those evil creations. Oh my goodness it makes me shudder.

Drove to work and the morning was cold but brightly sunny and apparently my really nice new friend followed me for part of the journey and was flashing and tooting but we never made contact.

Isn't life strange.

Work was good but busy. Electricity today, creating circuits involving meters and fuses and ceiling roses and switches, and gosh it was confusing. It was all that working out which one went in and which one came out, but the boys seemed to grasp it. Then had lunch with a friend and caught up on the news in our home village, and finally finished the day doing paperwork and came home.

Fellow soldier's Mum and I exchanged our daily bulletin about how we feel and can we just about cope with it all. Then I had to write to the Court and sort out more irritating mess. No news from H and hope he's safely in Cardiff. R text to say she was safely back at uni. No news from C but I can't put him out of my mind for a moment.

I love my beautiful flowers from yesterday and just wish all three of them had been here.

More prayers Lord.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 162 Week 23

2010-03-14T10:22:00.000-07:00

Mothering Sunday.

Fellow soldier's Mum said that M and his brother always cook lunch for her on this day, but that this year there will be something missing. That's just how it feels. Something really important is missing and not where it should be. Am pondering just exactly how many undersubscribed Mothering Sundays there are around this great nation of ours and the answer must be thousands and of course many of those are not because of a war in a far away land.

Any way C would be extremely proud of his sister as she was really sweet and I actually was treated to a second lovely day in succession. Flowers and a home made card with daffodils (favourite flower) on the cover this morning and then a walk along the river followed by lunch at a wonderfully eccentric riverside inn. It was so good to have her to talk to properly for a change. We sat outside on the gorgeous riverbank and she asked me questions about her family and she was such delightful company, and I realised to my shame, that we'd got out of the habit of enjoying each other. She really is lovely God bless her.

Then treat of treats had a text from H saying 'Spam, will be popping in at home with a card in an hour - bet you thought I'd forgotten! Haha x'. So R and I finished our lunch and dashed home to wait for H and coincidence of coincidences he'd been in Brighton for the weekend. And when I said I was too with my new friend, and why didn't he tell me he was there, he quite rightly responded with 'why on earth would I think you were also in town'. Transpired we'd almost driven past his door.

Then my new friend rang and we chatted and he made me laugh and am now looking forward to seeing him again on Friday dv. He's so nice. That's it in a nutshell. People really don't use that word enough any more.

Anyway if things couldn't get any better just had a call, and didn't think to look at the number, and when I answered it a very familiar distant voice said 'Ma, happy Mothering Sunday', and it was C. Two calls in two days and it was so good to waffle away to him and thank him for the card and flowers R had sent from all of them and now I just want him home so much.

H dashed in and then off to a navigational course in Cardiff. R at the gym and I'm taking her to get the train in Uxbridge when she gets back. And C much loved and missed.

Thank you Lord for the best undersubscribed Mothering Sunday I could have had under the circumstances, and please could you continue to keep everyone safe from harm.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 161 Week 22

2010-03-13T11:51:00.000-08:00

Woke up to the today programme and a retired General and a boffin arguing over whether a former soldier should be able to speak out politically about decisions made by politicians. The boffin thought opinions should remain a strictly private affair. Can't help but wonder why it is that our elected representatives should regard themselves to be impervious to criticism from those no longer serving, but from whom while they did, they expected so much silent unquestioning obedience. Surely they, more than anyone, have earnt the right to voice their opinions? We seem to have bred an oligarchy which holds itself beyond recall.

Went to Brighton and had one of the loveliest days in ages. Walked along the undercliff by the shore with the sky and sea a gentle calm turquoise and chatted with my new friend about childhoods and youth, had a lovely leisurely lunch at the Marina, and then walked the couple of miles back to the car. As we drove home the sky faded from silvery into golden and it looked beautiful. Managed to loose several things many times, but didn't fall or knock anything over and my new friend never minded a bit and is really, really nice.

Walked in the house to R being lovely and was blown away when she said 'I'm, like, going over to dad's, like, really early tomorrow, but, like, not for long, and then would you, like, like to do something?'.

At which point the phone rang and it was the innocuous ordinary number which symbolises C ringing from Afghanistan. He told me he was fine and glad to be back with the boys. He told me he was deaf after I screamed when I heard his voice (even louder then usual as I initially thought I'd rejected the call instead of accepting it). He told me he was living at the same place as before. He told me the friend from the next village was now working directly with him. And he told me that they'd been 'out and about' that day and had found 'loads of IEDs' which the disposal guys had dealt with.

I'm trying not to cry.

Heard from fellow soldier's Mum and she's just about coping. Not heard from H. R just popped down into the village. And I want to think about walking by the sea and not bombs and explosions and awfulness.

Look after them all please Lord.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 160 Week 22

2010-03-12T10:12:00.000-08:00

Heard from a dear friend and she's in Wootton Bassett for the repatriation of the five soldiers, may they rest in peace. Her mother lives there and she was visiting and so joined the crowds to pay her respects. So so sad, oh my goodness how the families must be feeling.

Heard from fellow soldier's Mum and she's extremely anxious and worried and all she wants is M home. Then just had a phone call from another soldier's Mum and she's praying and always has C in her thoughts and hopes he's safe and well and her son goes back out soon with special forces on scouting duties. Can't even begin to think how she's be coping.

Scattered little pockets of motherhood hoping for nothing apart from no bombs or bullets for their young.

Work is definitely salvation at the moment. Everyone so kind and supportive and it's quite a diversion evaluating the new examination format. Initially it does appear to be over complicated though.

It's Friday and I'm going out to meet my new friend and then hopefully tomorrow we're going for a windswept walk in the rain along the beach in Sussex. Some little glow of something to look forward to and temporarily block out the awful dread.

Not heard from H. R gone down to Bournemouth for a party. Heard through C's gorgeous girlfriend that he's arrived at the front again.

Please keep them safe Lord.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 159 Week 22

2010-03-11T04:26:00.000-08:00

Two Riflemen brought home today RIP. God I hate this war.

Weather lovely, bright and sunny but freezing cold and was nearly wiped out on the way to work this morning when an idiot pulled out in front of the car in front of the car in front of me on a roundabout, and I was within a second of being the ham-in-the-sandwich.

Work was good and then half way through e-mailing my new friend found out will be part of an observation during the afternoon lesson. The day careered from routine into extremely stressful with an 'if it can go wrong it will go wrong' sort of a vibe. Still would rather I was having an challenging time with the possible consequences merely being irritating, than C, where the consequences could prove devastating.

Brain all over the place. Am sort of doing normal then tumbling into 'who am I again'?

Heard from fellow soldier's Mum and she's just the same. Not heard from H and R home and having a really important conversation on the sofa with her friend about long socks. I've just got home from the termly departmental staff meeting and I'm going to have a bath and go to bed.

Hope C and everyone safe please Lord.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 158 Week 22

2010-03-10T10:12:00.000-08:00

No news from abroad thank Goodness.

Have heard from fellow soldier's Mum and she's terrified too.

Bitterly cold weather. Just came into the house and have whacked the heating on to full and wonder if C's hot or cold. Apparently their seasons don't perfectly mirror ours afterall.

Work was good. Finished the day in a lovely art class with sensitive artists producing awesome pieces of work.

Friend just left and so am into pyjamas and snuggling down on the sofa for a fix of telly and then bed.

Heard from H and he said avoid the news. Not heard from R.

A soldier's greeting prior to combat stems from the Romans and apparently a colleague told me it's 'strength and honour'. C said people still say that today.

More prayers to be said.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 157 Week 22

2010-03-09T04:32:00.000-08:00

Saw an article on Newsnight and Sangin is unsurprisingly the most violent area in Afghanistan. One tenth of British forces are deployed in that sector and yet half of all the total casualties, fatal and non-fatal, stem disproportionately from the region. 2 Rifles lost twenty-two men during their whole tour and 3 Rifles have lost twenty-seven already, and they still have a month to serve.

Mess, mess and more mess. Want the horribleness to go away.

Work good. Been in Construction all morning and the lads are great. Young, bouncy, and full of fun. Typical eighteen to twenty year old young men. Sharing information about building or more precisely dry bond plastering practices, and also shedding an insight into social preferences re girls. Quite a joy really.

Looked at them and couldn't help contrasting their daily lives with that of those so many miles away.

Then had my appraisal with my lovely line manager and she is so professional and supportive and looks like I'll start my teacher training in the Summer term and am going to do my higher maths too. Hope the brain up to it, algebraic formulae and sine and cosine horribly rusty these days.

Called in to see my dear friend on the way home and she had seen the simple message C had posted on his wall saying 'back in bandit country', and we just sat in silence for few moments and then broke it by talking in an artificially nonchalant way about making plans for when we all do normal again dv.

Heard from H and he's back calling me spam again, not heard from R and hope she's OK. Not heard from fellow soldier's Mum so hope everything ok for her and her boy.

No more news from or about C but I suppose on many levels that's the best we can hope for.

Keep an eye on him Lord, please.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 156 Week 22

2010-03-08T10:54:00.000-08:00

Back to square one.

Having been cocooned in a bubble-world of pseudo-normality during the days leading up to Sunday, had not been aware of the tragic deaths of several Riflemen, may God rest their souls, and was stunned into life this morning by my alarm greeting of an article on the Today programme about why the losses should now be running so high. Informed by the unruffled bbc accent that operation Mustarak has had the effect of squeezing the enemy, just like the air in a squashed balloon, out of the heavily militarized zone and up into the lesser well defended land around Sangin.

This happens to be lightly defended in vulnerable forward stations manned at the moment by members of 3 Rifles. As there has been such a huge surge of insurgents away from the not so secret 'big push', the result has been a turkey-shoot, or more precisely a massive, continuous attack on the isolated operating bases out in the middle of nowhere or more precisely no-man's-land.

My son should be at this moment heading there. Well that is if we're lucky enough for him to be safe, because it's back to not knowing again, only this time it feels worse.

Last night was heart breaking. Drove C to his father's and duly sat outside while R bade farewell to him with her step-family, and then he came outside and gave me a massive bear hug and I didn't want to let him go. But was very grown up and brave and gave my love and said good bye and God bless and then drove, with a large hole where my heart should be, around the M25 to drop R at her beautiful old college.

Started the day with the sick feeling restored and then magnified by the aforementioned news bulletin, and then checked my phone and there was a message from C sent at midnight last night. It said 'Love you Mum and see you soon x'.

Heard from H and he's OK. Not heard from R. And no news from C.

Fellow soldier's Mum sends love.

Back to square one indeed Lord, could you please keep him safe again.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 155 Week 22

2010-03-07T08:59:00.000-08:00

The party's well and truly over.

H went back to Dartmouth late this morning. I'm taking C and R to their father's any moment now and then on to London to drop R back at uni.

C then being taken by his father to Brize in the middle of the night and then off to Afghanistan via RAF Airways.

One moment of happiness in an otherwise not very nice day was a lovely stroll by the river with a really nice guy.

Fellow soldier's Mum sends her love and best wishes bless her.

Bless them all please Lord.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 154 Week 21

2010-03-06T10:06:00.000-08:00

Just had it confirmed that he returns to Afghanistan on day 156. Every second seems to be flying by at an accelerated rate. It's like I'm not inhabiting my own life again.

I hope they've had a lovely day. The night was riotous, woke up this morning to the scattering of bodies all over the floor and took up bacon-sarny duty again. Fed and watered them and then drove to Datchett with an overloaded car for them to catch the train up to Twickenham to watch Harlequins. Hopefully they should be descending home fairly soon where the preferred supper is a take away pizza.

It was gorgeous having them all for dinner last night. Lots and lots of talk and laughter around the table and then things became a little blokey as C's gorgeous girlfriend and myself got roped into a mess drinking game, and it all went horribly wrong as we thought we were helping each other but the opposite was true. Vaguely remember climbing the wooden hill and greeting the mattress at a very adult hour and today has been a lovely day walking around Windsor in the beautiful spring sunshine and playing denial re forthcoming events. Briefly the horrors of war rescinded.

Dear friend round for wine and chat and lots of girl talk and putting the world to right. R in Portsmouth for friend's birthday. C, H and the rest not back from the rugby so presume much consumption of beer on the way home.

Fellow soldier's Mum sent a message bless her, and I think we're in the same boat

Bless them all.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 153 Week 21

2010-03-05T10:32:00.000-08:00

Work was good. The temperature was definitely lower today than it has been for a while. working with a huge bundle of adolescent hormones can sometimes ignite like tinder, but maybe it was the sunshine that changed the mood. Then at last the day finished and drove back through the countryside in the golden glow of sunset and felt sorry for the poor things trapped on the M25 as I whizzed over it.

Was so looking forward to this evening. Went to the supermarket on the way back and stacked up on a gorgeous dinner and lovely wine and pud and arrived home feeling temporarily restored to ebullience.

Walked through the door and immediately knew something was wrong. H had morphed into a six year old with a face that said someone has just taken his favourite toy and jumped on it. Took seconds to discover that the 'toy' in question was a sizeable amount of his clothing and within moments the house had descended into a maelstrom of accusation and counter accusation and it was like going back a decade. C reverted to his former role of peace-keeper and quietly searched upstairs with H by then loudly blaming everyone from R, visitors, to me for loosing his precious goods. Turned out he'd just failed to look properly in the wardrobe and at last thanks to C some of the missing goods were found.

Oh Lord what an opening.

Anyway, harmony restored H then regaled us with the letter he's just sent to the mayor of Albuquerque. He's going there to stay with a friend and friend's father for Spring Break and ever hopeful of a freebee has sent the following message

"Dear Mayor B

My friend and I are two British Naval Officers who are soon to visit your fair city. We notice that we have missed the Mayor and First Lady's Dog Ball and the Balloon Museum open day but we were wondering if you could recommend any events which would truly represent the Albuquerque way of life, and allow us to meet a proper representation of your society.

Very much looking forward to seeing you and New Mexico's finest city
Yours sincerely
H".

That should do wonders to cement the special relationship.

Dinner cooking. R home. H restored and most definitely home. C just popped out to pick up a friend to join us and am very aware he's now unfortunately only very, very, temporarily home.

Fellow soldier's Mum working hard but not sleeping and so very tired of it all.

Must remember we only ever have this moment.

Thank you Lord

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 152 Week 21

2010-03-04T10:21:00.000-08:00

Just visited a friend on the way home and it was good to have a bit of diversion. She sensed the temporary euphoric respite from fear was ending and tried to encouraged philosophical separation of state. Trouble is, can't do philosophical separation of anything just now. Am back to being an emotional vacuum occasionally invaded by frenzied panic.

Popped to the loo in the middle of the night and nearly jumped out of my skin as C was downstairs on the laptop. Came down to talk to him and he was concerned because he'd discovered images of their bases on the front had been posted on a website where you can travel around the world in virtual reality. Obviously quite nice for him to do from the safety of our dining room, but am horrified to think what someone of less virtuous intent could prepare for with such information.

What a strange world we live in.

See the Astronomer Royal has said at a high level conference on the liklihood of life on other planets that it is quite possible alien life is living amongst us right now but in an unrecognisable form. Could it be my brother was not so far-fetched all those months ago? Have to say, unfortunately I experience alien life in an all too familiar form all to often, but then that's another matter.

C enjoying visiting his gorgeous girlfriend's uni. R back at her own establishment of learning and H should be on his way home tomorrow dv.

Fellow soldier's Mum also down now. Wonder how many of us there are out there.

More prayers.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 151 Week 21

2010-03-03T10:31:00.000-08:00

The poor Rifleman lost wasn't from C's platoon, RIP. Not that removal makes it any better of course.

This is absolutely ridiculous. Have turned into a wimp. Am absolutely bloody knackered all the time, it must be the frame of mind. My old adversary 'dread' has moved next door, not quite in complete residence yet, sort of visiting and making on-the-spot alterations. Scheduled to complete the occupation on Monday when my darling youngest boy returns to his guys and active service, and then my domineering neighbour will be in full possession yet again.

So good to have him home. Don't want him to go back. Don't want people to be trying to kill him all the time. Don't want that constant nausea with all the secondary symptoms of no sleep and spontaneous tearfulness. Just want to be quiet, and calm, and simple. That's the bottom of it all, just want things simple. And of course, safe. Realise that truth be told in the great scheme of things nothing is actually simple or safe and to wish for such is not only unrealistic but also quite childish. Obviously have to return to 'getting a grip'. Unfortunately, emotionally I seem to be throwing the toys out of the pram.

I know what's called for - a lovely long, leisurely, hot bath. Hopefully that should do the trick.

C and R returned from an apparently excellent time in Nottingham and they visited my dear uncle and aunt. They've now gone to R's uni where a friend is cooking them dinner and then afterwards C is going to the cinema with a friend. Not heard from H but thank goodness should be seeing him again this weekend.

Heard from fellow soldier's Mum and thank goodness there too, as all is well with her.

With the help of God we'll all come through this.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 150 Week 21

2010-03-02T10:10:00.000-08:00

A hundred and fifty days since he first flew out, my goodness it seems like both yesterday and another world away.

Just heard the sad news of the death of another Rifleman from 3 Rifles, and can't get hold of C to (subtly) find out if he knows. He's still up in Nottingham and his phone just goes to voicemail, heavens but I know he'll be gutted to hear the news. It's such a strange feeling to actually know for sure it can't have been C this time, but tragically accept it has to be one of his comrades. God I hate this war.

Not heard from fellow soldier's Mum and just hope all is well with her.

Work was good, if not hard, but the kids were in good form and to be frank activity is far and away the best alternative, idleness precipitates dread. And bonus of bonus, fresh golden sunshine all day. Well apart from the frost this morning when the roads were strewn with cars that had hit ice and lost control.

See that the RAF were scrambled to escort an American aircraft into Heathrow this morning, seemingly they didn't follow it all the way in, and satisfied it was just a woman having a panic attack broke away over Oxfordshire. Hadn't figured we lived in a dodgy area as we are right under the flight path, practically just a few minutes from the airport itself. I suppose the likelihood of raised danger is an occupational hazard when living on the edge of London, you've only really got one choice though because if you gave into the fear of what might be then violence has won without having to flex a muscle.

Just seen some photographs of C on active duty and am arrested by the beauty and simplicity of the content. For all the world it looks like a bunch of mates on an away day, and then you factor in the body armour, weapons and explosions and suddenly it's for real. Holiday from Hell would be an understatement, and yet they all look so happy.

H just sent a message to say he's playing in a Dartmouth 15 against Sandhurst, told him the army whipped the French and he said they're expecting a drumming too - but don't tell C. Heard from R and she's off up to Nottingham to join C and wants to borrow my car tomorrow night. Still can't get hold of C and just hope and pray everything's OK for him.

So very tired at the moment. Don't know why particularly just now.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 149 Week 21

2010-03-01T09:45:00.000-08:00

Have come to the conclusion there's just no pleasing people, myself included.

Spent the whole of the last four and a half months limping in a chronic state of anxiety induced near exhaustion towards C coming home again, if we were lucky, and now he's with us and I'm riddled with panic as as he has to fly back out next week. Wonder if I have forever lost the ability to enjoy the here and now without the burden of potential existing or non-existing consequences. Does fear feed on fear.

I just keep looking at him in an almost trance like state of disbelief in that he's actually there in a physical form and not just a sentimental, adored, stash of memory. In essentials he's exactly the same, but definitely more sober and as mother's always know their offspring, I can sense he's grappling with the clash of cultures in which he now exists. He's so so serious. Not that he wasn't capable of gravitas before, it's just he now has that detached coolness harsh lessons learned can instil.

It's like the elephant in the bedroom. Afghanistan is there, but we never mention it. Well unless he does, then it has to be on his terms and respect paid to any sudden desire to change the subject and no longer acknowledge it.

Work is good, a real salvation of normality. H back in Dartmouth, R back at uni and C has popped up to Nottingham to visit friends at uni.

Oh Lord will things ever be the same again.

Fellow soldier's Mum wants the simple life back too.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 148 Week 21

2010-02-28T05:29:00.000-08:00

This is definitely the best weekend ever.

House full of sleeping people covering floors, sofas and every bed, including ex-husband's step-son. How very modern.

H just left to go back to Dartmouth, R chatting with a friend upstairs, I've just finished kitchen duty and fed them all, and C gone to get my car from the pub where it was left after the rugby.

Lazy, lazy day. If only it could be like this for ever.

Fellow soldier's Mum reminded me to enjoy every minute, which is just what is happening. For now, a war is a million miles away.

Thank you Lord.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 147 Week 20

2010-02-27T06:34:00.000-08:00

Wow.

C unpacked his kit bag and there it all was. Desert combats, webbing, armour, boots, helmet, all smelling of a foreign land so far away and yet so connected to our lives.

Sat talking to him this morning and he is so much older than when he went out. I'd noticed, since he came back, that he'd suddenly say 'God this is weird', and he was obviously heavily preoccupied but sitting listening to him describe what they'd been through was salutary.

They helped build a road into the green-zone, so called because it's in the valley of the Helmund river and the terrain is lush and fertile as opposed to the barren arid emptiness of the desert. Well more precisely they protected the Engineers while they built the road. He had a pet dog, which he loved, but unfortunately she had to be destroyed when they moved because life was too uncertain for her. He showed me a map of the region with its alien sounding names interspersed with the all to familiar ones that we hear on the news.

He told me his men were awesome, the best bunch of guys in the world. He told me he loved them and would miss them beyond words when they're replaced. Then a friend rang who had also come home and I heard him chat about the tour and then he said he couldn't go into too graphic descriptions of what had happened because he was with his mother.

He told me he felt angry all the time, and would I forgive him if he was snappy. I told him I was so proud of him, and that even though I had tried to persuade him not to join the army, I couldn't think more highly of him under any circumstances. He showed me the St Christopher medal I'd given him, which he wore all the time on the same chord as his ID tags.

Then I went into the kitchen to make a cup of tea and I found a list he'd written on the floor next to the washing machine of all the people in the platoon, including himself, with all their blood groups next to their names.

Finally H arrived home having been on the scent of a woman, and R staggered downstairs looking unreasonably gorgeous even though she'd obviously been wrecked the night before, and I duly took up my position in the kitchen and produced endless bacon sandwiches. Took C's gorgeous girlfriend home and H, C and R gone out with a friend to our nearest town. C wants to get a plaque to take back out as a memorial to one of his friends and comrades.

God bless them all.

Anyway, on a lighter note, it's down to the pub to watch the Rugby this afternoon. Definitely got divided loyalties over the England v Ireland game.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 146 Week 20

2010-02-26T10:12:00.000-08:00

Is this the best day ever? If it ends as well as it began then it will be up there with the really special ones.

Slept the sleep of the cossetted innocent. Woke up this morning and was stunned yet again to realise life had morphed into a world of happiness, fun and contentment. Got ready for work and C was still slumbering with gorgeous girlfriend and the house felt fabulous. Even R was pleasant. And it was before eight o'clock in the morning, a time when usually it's strictly one snarl or two.

Drove into work, singing. Then had the two most challenging lessons of the week but they were an absolute joy and the boys were brilliant and the classes flew by in three hours of enthusiastic English and Maths accompanied by superb attitude and good manners. Read for exams in the afternoon and everyone passed really solidly.

Arrived home and if it was possible, things just got better and better. H at last home so lots more hugging and kissing, and now friends are in attendance. Went to the supermarket to buy them some nibbles and alcohol and met my boss who blew me away with her kindness and insisted on buying them a drink, as she felt sure they'd earnt it.

They've gobbled the solids and quaffed the liquids. Am now sitting at my laptop with gentle witty banter filling the air and they're getting ready to go out on the razzle.

Oh thank you God, never thought there'd be a day like this again.

Heard from fellow soldier's Mum and she said to buy him a drink too.

This is certainly one of the best.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 145 Week 20

2010-02-25T09:47:00.000-08:00

Well the gathering in the pub was brilliant. Over twenty people turned out on a very wet, bleak, work-night to toast his home coming and cannot thank them enough for yet another example of their unstinting support. He looked gorgeous but thin, and very tanned and goodness the desert combats are cool. Dear friend commented he looked more like he'd been on holiday than at war.

I arrived slightly late as I'd lost my glove whilst walking across the Common. R rang and demanded 'where are you', and when I told her she just said 'why the hell are you looking for a glove?'. Thought it would have been perfectly obvious. I'd dropped one when my cousin rang, lost, to ask for directions, and one thing our family is imbued with is a tremendous sense of superstition, and to have your glove picked up by another is the most dreadful bad luck. Apparently it stems from the days when gentlemen challenging for a duel would hand the aforementioned article over as a means of provoking the dispute. Nothing was to ruin this evening, real or perceived.

Anyway finally arrived at the pub with the glove and cousin found, and walked in to the old 'he's not here, he got fed up with waiting' routine at which point he jumped out, roared like a tiger and hugged me like a bear. Oh my, it was one of the most wonderful things that has happened to me for years. Sobbed and laughed simultaneously, and put my arms around him and kissed, and kissed his cheek. Could not believe I'd actually got my baby back safe and sound. In truth my daily dread for months had been that I would never ever see him again, or that he would be so completely altered that in effect it wasn't the same person at all. Just kept looking at him, not fully believing he was really there, and had to keep checking I wasn't imagining the whole thing.

C was lauded like the mini-hero to us he is, and drinks bought for him in abundance. I retired home at the respectable hour of eight thirty, and thanked the Lord for the day given. C, R and the other young ones went on and painted the town red, and I went to bed without the lead weight of misery for the first time in a very long time.

Woke up with a start at six this morning from a horrible dream which included the children's father, to a complete lack of vision and head split in half by a metaphorical dagger. Migraine. Took tablets, rang work and eventually managed to sleep it off and drive to college. Everyone so sweet, it seems I looked wonderful despite several hours of pain, and was told I hadn't stopped smiling since yesterday lunchtime. It's only when you're rid of being care-worn that you realise just how care-worn you'd become.

I know he has to go back, but my this feels good.

C went up to London this morning to see fellow soldier who's back 'out' tomorrow. H sent a message saying 'tell him not to spend all his money - we're buying that house next year. Well he can get rid of a couple of grand if he must', and R been lounging around all day in recovery.

Sadly on the way home the harshness of reality bit and heard the news and an airman and a soldier from 4 Rifles have been taken, may they RIP. When I spoke to C it transpired the rifleman was one of the guys of the friend he was visiting up in town. It's such a cruel, cruel war.

Fellow soldier's Mum said enjoy everything and make the most of the good when you have it.

With the help of God, I shall.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 144 Week 20

2010-02-24T00:42:00.000-08:00

Eight thirty in the morning and fingers and toes tingling and all of a dither because R supposed to be collecting C from Brize just before lunchtime today. Must re-focus though because when I parked the car this morning at college, as I got out, I watched it gently roll away. Forgotten to put the handbrake on. Opened the door, grabbed the steering wheel and screamed as a really nice guy gallantly ran in front of the bonnet and arrested its attempt to get-away. Oops.

Now it's twelve thirty and I've just rung C's phone which leapt into life with the UK ring tone for the first time in months, and then his familiar voice said 'Ma, how are you'. Cannot being to put the emotions into words.

R driving and they've just left Brize and are thankfully heading down the A40, and he told me it felt good but really strange to be on home soil. Had a really brief converstion finishing with love you, love you and love you more. But then resumed to business as usual when, not knowing if he knew about the impromptu gathering this evening I asked him to ask R if I'm to send 'the message' out. Which he duly did and her perfectly audible background reply was 'tell her she, like, knows to tell everyone to come to the pub, and like, stop being such a freak', and C laughed and said 'did you get that Ma?'.

Colleague just asked me if there was any news and couldn't contain it any longer and just screamed 'he's back', and the most enormous cheer went round the office.

Today is a day to be cherished.

Not heard from H, but in this era of fibre optic communication assume he knows the news.

And sadly finishing on a very sombre note, heard from fellow soldier's Mum and she's going this afternoon to the funeral of her son's friend and colleague who was repatriated the day her son flew back out. May he rest in peace.

Thank you Lord for all your kindness to us.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 143 Week 20

2010-02-23T04:22:00.000-08:00

Well this is almost intolerable. Plane still broken and no C home.

Not sure if it's today or tomorrow or even the day after that. Spontaneous gathering in the local pub rescheduled from Monday evening to Tuesday evening and hopefully now it will be Wednesday evening.

Have been limping to yesterday morning since he first went out there and to have the arrival point constantly nudged out of the way is horrible. I just want to scream.

Everyone at work being really sweet and supportive and that helps enormously. People are gently smiling and saying 'any news?', and the only answer possible is alas 'no'. Am just hoping they give him the time back at the other side of the period he was granted, please don't say he'll be cut short as well as messed around. A colleague just reminded me to keep my pecker up and then asked where mine was and the only thing I could say was 'all over the bloody place'. God I hate these shifting finishing lines.

A dreadful car bomb has been set off by rebel Republicans in Northern Ireland and apparently it was a miracle no one was killed. Also see that there is a conference in South America and Argentina has tabled a vote of sanction against British oil exploration, with Venezuela leaping in offering military support against what it perceives as 'imperialistic tyranny'. There must be something in the air at the moment, everything is so aggressive.

Keep checking my phone and e-mails but still no news. Keep trying to retain a spiritual aspect by reminding myself that everything happens for a reason and there was a purpose to him not flying home when initially intended. And as my dear colleague pointed out it's better that the plane broke down on the ground rather than at thirty-five thousand feet in the air.

And now the French air traffic controllers have gone on strike and hope and pray that won't delay everything even further.

The weather's grey and bleak and claggy and it's freezing cold and H says the air force are always unreliable, but somehow feel he's jaundiced.

Fellow soldier's Mum really kind, friends as ever overwhelming, and family constantly sending messages of love.

Just got home and R so sweet and the house really warm and cosy and good to walk into, but just lacking in something somehow.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 142 Week 20

2010-02-22T06:03:00.000-08:00

I feel like a zombie. C due to arrive at eight thirty this morning and then it was delayed until lunchtime, and then it was pushed back to tea time, and following that the postponement was to late this evening, and just heard from R it will now be tomorrow at the earliest.

Did not sleep a wink last night and today feels like I'm dead from the neck upwards.

Completely appreciate that the transportation capacity is rationed, and if something more pressing than a soldier going home on leave comes up then obviously that will take priority, but the sense of anti-climax is stifling.

Must hold on to the thought that God willing he's safe and at least presumably not on duty on the front line, but had so set myself up for seeing him tonight that it's been a huge tumble in morale to change plans and be denied him at the very last moment. Really want to howl like a baby, but fortunately am at work and it's the second half of a split lunchtime, and have no alternative but to remain professional and hold it together. Just have to think of the poor souls who only come home draped in a flag to put things into perspective. God bless them.

All the best things in life are worth waiting for and patience is a virtue.

Just received a message from C which is less than complimentary about the RAF, and H thinks flying should be left to the Army and Navy. Guess the setback could be due to technical difficulties afterall. Still you win some you loose some, and the Navy's technical hitch allowed H to be home for C's party prior to this whole topsey turvey sojourn. And must cling on to the fact that please God everyone's well and in all reality this is only really an inconvenience.

H hacked off. R really patient and keeping me up to date. And fellow soldier's Mum sends her love.

Please God we all sleep safe and sound tonight.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 141 Week 20

2010-02-21T09:28:00.000-08:00

Went as planned to the soothing calm of the Cathedral in St Albans and lit a candle in the eponymous tomb, accompanied by the unexpected treat of the angelic choir rehearsing a performance to be given last night and then walked around the Roman remains and tried to hold on to the thought that he really was coming home. Drove back around the M25 and fought back the tears of gratitude.

Wonder where he is now. It's twenty four hours nearer to his homecoming and it's Sunday evening with R home ready for the arrival and collection in the early hours of tomorrow morning.

Really can't believe he's on his way home.

Had a lovely day today. Tried to find the river people but they'd moved upstream and so missed them and instead went shopping for all C's favourites. Pain au chocolate, ingredients for bangers and mash, mozzarella pasta bake and California risotto, Budweiser and honey nut loops. Have been advised by fellow soldiers' Mums that their appetite shrinks enormously, but it was such a comfort to gather in all his choicest nosh.

Still can't really believe he's coming home.

Then took my dear neighbour to the dump and helped him clear out some of the clutter after the death of his wife and was shocked to realise it was three months ago. And after that, fabulous four mile walk around the Chilterns with a stop off at a gorgeous pub on the way back with a dear friend and her daughter.

And now am so excited because I'm beginning to realise that by some miracle, he really may well be most of the way home.

Another dear friend's son is leaving tonight to begin a rock tour of Europe supporting quite a large band, so it's a really special day for her and just wish them all well.

Can't explain what today feels like.

Not heard from H and fellow soldier's Mum said enjoy every minute of him being back and away from the awfulness.

Thank you Lord.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 140 Week 19

2010-02-20T04:03:00.001-08:00

The day is beautiful, bright golden sunshine and there's such a bite of crisp cold in the air, and I can't settle to anything.

Heard via the virtual communications network that C is on his way home and cannot describe what it feels like. Utter elation combined with waves of spontaneous bawling tinged with disbelief that I may, actually, get to see my baby boy again. Gave him a St Christopher medal before he went out, and hope the patron saint of travellers keeps up the good work and carries him home safely.

Am off to St Albans and will light a candle and pray that we continue to be blessed with such kindness.

Britain won a gold medal at the winter Olympics, and the Dutch Government has resigned because an agreement on extending their presence in Afghanistan cannot be reached. Apparently there have been over twenty Dutch soldiers lost out there and am suddenly arrested by the thought that there must be clusters of families going through what we're going through in scattered countries all over the world.

The anticipation is excruciating. Am like a child on Christmas Eve who just wants everything immediately. Must keep busy.

H in exactly the same condition. R in exactly the same condition. And C a third of the way back six hours ago, whatever that means.

Poor fellow soldier's Mum really down and she told me it's harder during the second part than the first.

And I'm trying to ignore the little gremlin at the back of my mind who keeps reminding me he, too, will have to go back.

Thank you Lord and more of the same, please.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 139 Week 19

2010-02-19T03:53:00.000-08:00

Unfortunately yesterday ended on an anxious note. Had heard from fellow soldier's Mum and it transpired her son was attached to the Coldstreams and literally a second later heard that one had been killed. Mercifully it wasn't her boy, but it most definitely was someone's and can only shudder to think how they must now be feeling. And then woke this morning to discover not one but two have perished in the last twenty four hours. May their souls RIP.

Last day of half term and am going for a walk by the river and then to a lovely riverside pub for a bite to eat with a dear friend, and cannot seem to settle to anything. Brain butterflying all over the place. Foot won't stop tapping. Concentration span the length of gnat's. It's tantalising to have the temporary finishing post so near and yet in reality so very, very far, and of course 'temporary' is the defining word here because he has to go back.

Keep holding on to H's advice about being busy and occupying the thoughts productively. My old school motto was 'manu et mente', or 'by hand and by mind', so all these years down the line will try to apply its dictum.

Am going to join a friend and help clear out our local river on Sunday. There's a local legend that it disappears when war is imminent, as it did in the summer of nineteen thirty nine, when the women of the village prayed over the dried up bed for its return. Of course the real reason for its emergence and departure is to do with our local geology of chalk and shifting water tables, but the fact that it has been absent for some months now, is nothing to do with international developments and more to do with its stewardship. Well let's hope that's the case. Am quite excited about donning wellies and scrabbling about the countryside, be like going back to youth and frogspawning by the railway line at home.

Wonder if it's true that the best things in life are free?

See that loads more UFO files have been released into the public domain, maybe my brother wasn't so far off the mark afterall.

Not heard from H. Not heard from R. And not heard from C.

They're never out of my thoughts and prayers though.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 138 Week 19

2010-02-18T08:02:00.000-08:00

The knowledge that C could be so close to coming home, albeit for a temporary respite, has had the paradoxical effect of increasing anxiety levels. Odd, I know, in that you would assume to be hopefully as close to an event so keenly anticipated and prayed for would be heaven, but what happens in reality is the whisper of fear which never actually leaves the mind grows louder and louder.

Oh God please, please keep him safe.

See the Sun is finally on the case of what it calls 'Argy-Bargy 2'. Front page headline 'Task Force 2 - Navy rush to the Falklands', then an 'exclusive' story of how more RN ships are being sent to the South Atlantic in response to Argentine claims of sovereignty. More stirring reassurance on the inside pages where an anonymous 'senior Naval source' explained the type 42 destroyer HMS York was being despatched to support oil exploration drilling, and if anything does kick off we don't have to worry because 'the Navy are there to stop them'. Great. Cannot believe we seriously may be tumbling into the third war of the decade. What on earth is happening?

And are we really prepared to defend those islands? Admittedly now they are almost certainly of an increased strategic value, but in total our military presence consists of four ships, one company of soldiers and four Eurofighters. The Sun kindly points out that this is in comparison with Argentine resources of twenty-three ships, forty thousand soldiers, and nearly two hundred and fifty aircraft.

And the figures for the economy came out today and we're even more broke than was feared.

Popped into our local church this lunchtime and the Vicar was giving a history lesson to a group of schoolchildren. It would seem our village was always regarded as important and a church has stood on its site for well over a thousand years. The original was wooden and was replaced by a stone building in the Norman times when William the Conqueror gave the manor to his brother, but unfortunately that was destroyed in a storm and the sweet little structure we have now is relatively new as it was only built in seventeen hundred.

The vicar described the structure of ecclesiastical architecture and seemingly the nave is so named because when inverted it has the appearance of an ark or boat, and the Latin word for that is navis, hence the derivative Navy.

Had a long chat with H and he's anxious about C too, and hopes his frame of mind hasn't been altered by what he's experienced. Had a chat with R about arrangements and we may car swap when she goes to Brize. No news from C.

Heard from fellow soldier's Mum and we're in just about the same frame of mind. Weather horrendous and had a therapeutic trip to the dump again.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 137 Week 19

2010-02-17T10:23:00.000-08:00

So, someone used stolen ID from UK residents to produce bogus passports to kill a Hammas commander in Dubai. Argentina is making louder rumblings about the Falklands in the light of problems on their domestic front and the likelihood of vast wealth under the sea. And the Talliban are using women and children as human shields placing them on top of buildings which they occupy.

The world seems to be careering towards self destruction, or was it always like this and we just didn't know so much.

Had an absolutely fabulous day. A dear friend drove us up to my home village in Nottinghamshire, couldn't decide whether to go today or Friday, but weather outlook slightly grim towards the weekend so we trundled up the M1 catching up on all the gossip. Then we had lunch in the ancient pub which was once run by my great-uncle. He came to it as recompense for saving the life of the local squire during the Boer War by crawling out into no-man's land and returning to camp with the wounded officer. Lauded a hero by the local newspaper, the village band turned out to greet him upon his return, and my grandfather who was a young boy at the time was heartily sickened by it all. Interesting to see the old photographs and strange to think how often my predecessors had toasted each other in the very room where we had lunch. After that we visited the rain strewn hillside which is where my parents and grand parents are buried, wind and sleet lashing our faces before we set off back down an obedient motorway and now am ready for a lovely hot bath, pyjamas and bed.

We discussed the yearning that draws an adult back to haunts of childhood and decided it's based on a premise of perceived safety and the attraction of a simpler life. Was it really safer then, or have the rosy tinted glasses of memory tainted the truth. Life in my home village could be quite challenging and compared with the leafy gentility of where I live now, things were hard. There was a lot of poverty and opportunities were desperately limited. A trip to London
was the height of exotica and word soon swept around if someone actually went abroad on holiday. Wonder what people do for work now that the main employers of mining, milling or the brewery have gone, there doesn't seem to be much new industry to replace the old giants. Found I was looking at the pinched faces of strangers and trying to identify them in case they were somehow connected to my past. Definitely nostalgic yearning.

Heard from H and he wants me to do some business transactions for him. Heard from R and she may, with God on our side, be collecting C from Brize Norton next Tuesday morning.

Just want them home please Lord.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 136 Week 19

2010-02-16T10:21:00.000-08:00

It wasn't just one death announced yesterday, it was two. The second poor lad was a Rifleman from 3 Rifles, and he was another volunteer TA guy - actually a policeman in the day job. May God rest their souls. Gone but not forgotten.

Can only think 'there but for the Grace of God go we'.

My friend and colleague from work sent a really positive message and her husband was a policeman in London during the horrendous rioting in the nineteen-eighties, and she said she was frantic with worry every time he went to work but often they were just sitting around waiting for things to happen. Wonder if that's what it's like for C. Surely to goodness they can't be active all the time. Saw sleeping soldiers on the news and they were literally just lying on their kit on the sandy rugged earth where once they stood, and they were completely spark-out despite the uncomfortable conditions and the enormous din surrounding them.

Please let them come home safely Lord.

Just been for a walk around our village and yet again am blown away by everyone's love and support for C. Called in at the local shop and the shopkeeper wanted to know the latest news, and then bumped in a dear friend and she gave a hug and said C was never out of her thoughts, then met my neighbours and despite being close we hardly ever see each other because of constraints of time, and they wanted an update. We are so fortunate to live in such a close knit community. I wonder if C knows how many people are routing for him and his colleagues back home.

See that all US officers have to read the 'Seven Pillars of Wisdom' by TE Lawrence. It's the autobiography of Lawrence of Arabia and is regarded as a seminal piece of literature covering Arab practices and customs and provides an invaluable insight into the people we are working with and fighting against. My grandfather knew Lawrence and indeed he was killed in May 1935 on a motorcycle which was manufactured by a company my family were linked to. Lawrence rejected all the fame and adulation his exploits during the Arab revolt in Sudan provided him with and when he died he had resigned his commission and had served as a regular aircraftman in the RAF. I remember as a child seeing his headdress and opium pipe at my cousin's house and who would have thought my son would end up fighting in conditions so similar to those experienced by Lawrence at the start of the twentieth century. Wonder if C has read the 'Seven Pillars'.

Heard from H and he's working terrifically hard but still loves it. Not heard from R but just found a receipt for a holiday in the summer. No news from C and fellow soldier's Mum and I are really struggling just now. Guess everyone is.

Was going up to Nottinghamshire tomorrow but now on hold because more of the dreaded white stuff maybe on the way.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 135 Week 19

2010-02-15T08:45:00.000-08:00

Well the feared bloodbath in Afghanistan has not yet materialised, and please God that will continue to be so. Twelve civilians tragically killed during a Nato rocket strike though and that will create anger in grief as well as discord. The area is riddled with explosives and that's slowing progress down, apparently we will not know for another year whether everything has worked out as planned.

Dreadful train crash in Belgium when two commuter trains collided during the morning rush hour. More unexpected devastation. Wouldn't it be wonderful if the world was full of nothing but good news, a balming utopia, but alas life doesn't work like that.

Absolutely fabulous to see my cousin and her very generous partner. Arrived to champagne and homemade sloe-vodka cocktails, followed by lunch of lobster salad accompanied with copious amounts of delicious red wine. Then the bobberty-bobberty ride over the fields to the ancient pub, and back home to delicious roast chicken, trimmings and the most mouth-watering chocolate mouse ever. Lots of really good reassuring conversation and felt briefly buoyed with confidence, but then on the journey home began to feel infected with anxiety again, and back to being terrified by the unknown magnified by received wisdom via the television.

Kept looking at the beautiful Buckinghamshire countryside as I drove south and even on a cold, wet, grey day, it looked stunning. C loves his homeland and said lots of prayers that he will enjoy it once again, once all this hideousness is out of the way dv.

Got massively lost in Aylesbury. Don't know what it is about the place but always have an attack of brain-swipe and end up going round and round the one way system and inner ring road. Think absolutely nothing about driving up to central London, and can successfully navigate myself around without resorting to the A to Z, but show me Aylesbury and I go to pieces and loose the plot.

Just heard a soldier from the Duke of Lancaster's was killed yesterday, may he RIP. More shattered lives.

Not heard from H, C or R.

Please keep them safe Lord.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 134 Week 19

2010-02-14T02:56:00.000-08:00

One British soldier killed and another Nato combatant died too, may they RIP. Of course the real miracle is that so far only two have perished, not that this would be a comfort to the families involved.

Seemingly the Talliban have scarpered but have left scores and scores of hidden explosive devices to do their bidding anonymously. The considered opinion is that this is a 'honeymoon', what an apt analogy on St Valentine's day.

Can't eat, can't sleep and bursting into tears for no reason yet again.

Heard from H and he's working very hard, knows about the operation but is trying to put it out of his mind and is very busy. R asleep upstairs, and I'm off to spend the night with my gorgeous cousin and her partner in their beautiful house in the country.

No news from or about C, thank God.

God speed and good luck to them indeed.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 133 Week 18

2010-02-13T03:59:00.000-08:00

Well it's finally begun for real. The biggest operation out there ever. Four thousand British involved and they started flying them in last night. Moshtarak means together and let's hope it doesn't rip us apart.

Actually haven't slept - News 24 a mixed blessing. It keeps you informed minute by minute, hour by hour, but it's completely addictive. Fellow soldier's Mum been up all night too and wonder how many nocturnal mothers, wives and girlfriends there were keeping the digital vigil. And of course fathers, brothers and boyfriends, wonder if the masculine version of removed involvement manifests itself in the same reaction.

The prior publicity was a calculated risk to try and prevent as many civilian casualties as possible, but the 'signposting' has been controversial. Telling your enemy just exactly what you intend to do runs contrary to the usual strategy of warfare. Pre-emptive strike or 'blitzkrieg' meaning lightning-war, with the element of the totally unexpected has long been acknowledged as the most efficient method of attack. But the new policy out there is to try to build bridges with the locals and not regard them as separate from the struggle, 'hearts and minds' being the tactic to long term success. Well that's the theory.

Although, mercifully, things seem to have gone better than expected so far, it would appear that the local population have fled the battlezone along with the Talliban, so despite a larger area being secured than expected, there are no hearts and minds left to be nurtured. Panther's Claw was the last big push and although it was nominally successful, with horrendous consequences for the casualty rate, gradually the Talliban have returned to their homeland as there was no policy of maintaining stabilisation after the hostilities ceased. This time though, the ANA will step in and that should hopefully fill the gap.

The sight of the soldiers amassed in front of their commanding officer on the eve of battle, with the roll call of regiments included was the key to the tears flowing. They look so young and we expose them to such horrors.

On a lighter note it's the twenty-first party of a dearest friend's son tonight, and he's one of C's oldest and best buddies so will go along to wish him well on the symbolic entrance to his adult life, and toast absent friends.

Can't decide whether to go for a walk or snuggle up for snooze this afternoon. Do I sound old? Probably, but it's the fall out from watching TV all night.

A poor athlete from Georgia was killed in a training session prior to the opening ceremony of the Winter Olympics yesterday RIP, but after much soul-searching the luge event will go ahead in his honour. Who would have thought that he would be the headline death today, the twist of cruelty which fate imparts just goes to show you never really know.

R just arrived home afterall, and she looks very tired. Not heard from H but am about to e-mail him. Phone welded to my side but somehow think C may not be able to ring home today.

God bless them all.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum

Day 132 Week 18

2010-02-12T09:30:00.000-08:00

Goodness it's cold, real brass monkey's weather as they used to say up north.

Work interesting. Friday usually presents in the form of late adolescent boys who hated school and want to work in the Construction industry and are totally hacked off to find out that involves passing the equivalent of a 'C' grade at GCSE in English and Maths. Slowly you have to first convince them that with the necessary application it may well happen, and secondly that you really like them and are on their side and genuinely want them to succeed. It's surprising how many have been loathed by teachers in school and invariably reminded on a regular basis how stupid they are. They think nothing of telling you how 'thick' they are and at the end of the year one of the best aspects of the job is seeing them burst with pride when they pass what is often their very first exam.

As it's another fun-Friday am off to meet everyone in the local pub and hopefully start the weekend on a cheery note.

Not heard from H. R not coming home as a contingent from our local village are going to see her for the weekend. No news from C.

Please Lord look after my children.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 131 Week 18

2010-02-11T09:31:00.000-08:00

Yet another soldier killed. This one from the Coldstream Guards RIP. A few weeks ago my dear friend and I were in Windsor and there was a group of them collecting for Help for Heroes, and we chatted to them and they told us they were due to go out in a couple of weeks. Oh Lord, hope it wasn't one of them, but then by wishing that I'm passing the loss onto a different group of people just like us. That's four taken in the last five days and apparently Moshtarak hasn't actually begun yet after all. How can we sustain such losses? How will this end?

Fellow soldier's Mum really fraught too and we just keep sending each other messages of support, and then last night Another soldier's Mum called and she's constantly hoping and praying for a safe return for C, and her boy goes back out in October. During his last stint when he came home on his leave he also told his mother he didn't want to go back, and how nobody knows why we're there. He said it's not a war that follows the accepted rules in that the Talliban and insurgents, in their everyday dress with their absence of uniform look just like the local population. That must explain all the accidental killing of innocents.

If C returns home safely and I remain sane then the Guardian Angels really will have been working overtime. Just hope they keep putting in the extra hours, not for me, just for him.

I see on the news that the former US Congressman Charlie Wilson has died aged 76. He was a vociferous campaigner during the seventies and eighties against the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan, and working on the assumption that 'my enemy's enemy is my friend', he went on to raise thousands and thousands of dollars to fund covert operations to support what was then the Mujahadeen in their fight against Communism. The Mujahadeen were embryonic and in the years since then evolved into a much more effective force, now known as the Talliban.

What goes around comes around.

Work was really good, apart from the fact I cocked up one of my registers and failed to notice I was dealing with the correct day but in the month of September, not January. Then had an axious young student who couldn't complete her assessment so had the privilege of having the most relaxing facial imaginable. Came home and as it was still sunny if not bitterly cold went for a walk around our village, and mulled over the roller coaster of a ride that the last fourteen years of single-parent life have been.

Heard from H and he's fine. Not heard from R but think she could be home this weekend. And no news from C, which is to be expected so long as everything is OK.

Please look after them Lord.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 130 Week 18

2010-02-10T10:08:00.000-08:00

The government has improved the levels of compensation to be paid to the injured and they have also ordered another thirty beds to be installed at the rehabilitation unit for amputees in Surrey. This is to cope with the ever increasing numbers. Two hundred and fifty six have now been killed and just over five hundred have been seriously wounded and heaven only knows the figures for those harmed less brutally. The field hospital at Camp Bastion is working to capacity and the impact has been felt with hospitals at home beginning to struggle with the logistics of it all.

Heard someone on the radio saying that one of our areas of weakness is that we don't plan ahead sufficiently and that many crucial decisions are taken in a knee-jerk reaction rather than a measured analysis of what is really required. Also because of time-lapse between procurement and deployment, it often transpires that the wrong choice was made anyway. Hence no helicopters, shortage of hospital beds, personnel stretched beyond limits (and let's not forget initially fighting on two fronts and we know what happened to Napoleon and Hitler when they tried that one), lack of equipment, transportation shortcomings, funding difficulties, unexpected credit crunch adding to aforementioned lack of funding, hence the whole bloody can of worms.

Work was good, am really glad to be back in the thick of it and it's a tremendous source of distraction and support at the moment. Cannot put Afghanistan out of my mind for a second and heard from fellow soldier's Mum and she thinks she's going round the twist with it all. Would appear the dreaded big push is underway.

Heard from H and my e-mails are mysteriously identified as junk and consequently he now calls me 'spam'. Not heard from R, but hope she's OK as we are expecting more of the white stuff. Not heard from C, and just wishing a praying all's OK there.

Got a headache, but suppose that means I'm a very lucky person compared with what some people are going through just now.

Keep going please Lord.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 129 Week 18

2010-02-09T06:01:00.000-08:00

Another soldier killed. This one from the Engineers. They're the ones involved in bomb disposal. Apparently he was helping clear and area when a device exploded and that was that for the poor lamb RIP. The officer in charge refused to say whether this sudden escalation implied that the Moshtarak offensive was actually underway. Apparently it means working together.

The local Afghan population are finding it almost impossible to escape the danger zone because of all the IEDs and in total it is expected fifteen thousand coalition troops will take part, of which four thousand are to be British. When I spoke to C last night he said that the push was supposed to be a hush-hush as stealth was the soldier's friend, but that this was the most open secret of all time.

This is truly horrible.

Mulling over C's call last night, and how odd it was that he should receive a message from his Regiment's HQ to ring home. To go to all that effort usually signifies some sort of urgency and so whilst am heartily pleased it's not to do with us on this occasion, as my colleagues at work pointed out maybe it was sent in error to C and the person who should have received it is completely unaware of the need to contact his family. So it was at half past eight this morning that I firstly rang Winchester and was given the number of a Major in Edinburgh, who I then explained events to. He was terribly nice, if not a little vague, but he did say he'd call Helmund immediately and sort things out. Totally surreal. Ringing Sangin was as mundane to him as it would be for us to pop to the shops.

Work been good but alas there is more threat of the white stuff in the air. There was a smattering of it this morning but the promised deluge has thankfully kept at bay.

Heard from fellow soldier's Mum and she too is paralysed with fear over the upcoming operation. How on earth did people cope during the global wars - six months (if you're very lucky) is long enough to test the sanity without it dragging on for year after year after year.

Well mystery solved. The awfully nice but not so vague Major rang back and it would transpire the children's father has contacted the Regimental Welfare people to express concern over C's condition. I said I thought he sounded tired but fine, which was to be expected under the circumstances, and the Major agreed. They are, however keeping an eye on him. Hard as it is, the homefront must hold it together for the sake of those in peril.

H sent a text saying all was fine and couldn't understand how we'd been contacted in error, but now that one's dealt with. R in good form and I'm going for a long walk after work to try and work off the adrenaline that's pumping through my agitated nervous system.

God love them and keep them safe. Please.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 128 Week 18

2010-02-08T09:10:00.000-08:00

Two more taken on Sunday. From a Scottish regiment, may God rest their souls. As many now killed in Afghanistan as during the Falklands war.

Saw the news last night and was woken up with the same information reiterated by the calm, unruffled voice of Radio 4 this morning, it would appear the next phase is to begin. This is going to involve a big push in Southern Helmund to clear an area which at present is beyond the control of the Afghan government and lorded over by drug barons, insurgents and the Taliban. Seemingly the local population have got wind of the impending bloodshed and have abandoned their villages to goodness knows where. The officer controlling Nato forces has warned casualties will undoubtedly escalate exponentially and the Defence Secretary has prepared the homefront to expect the worst.

The ANA are spearheading operations and once 'targets' have been achieved the area will be handed over to the Afghan police force to maintain order. Well, that's the hope, because it is accepted that whilst the ANA has improved enormously, the police are another matter.

Am numb. Cannot describe the sense of utter foreboding consuming my every waking moment. The anonymity of the word 'casualties' belies a trail of destruction strewn into every nook and cranny of our very existence. Can only imagine an uninhabited wasteland of deserted structures beckoning the placement of IEDs and snipers and mines. Then if the action is successful, and the coalition succeeds with its aims, the newly gained territories will be subsequently handed over to an organisation most probably in cahoots with the very people God knows how many will have died or been maimed to remove.

It just gets worse, and worse, and worse. Can only pray, and pray and pray. We now appear to be well and truly in the land of miracle wishing.

Work was a salvation. When you have to be busy you respond accordingly and then for short bursts of time the mind is occupied by more mundane and therefore bearable thoughts.

The most incredible thing has just happened. The landline rang, and I answered it expecting it to be one of those dreary robotic advertisements and it wasn't, it was C. C never rings the house phone, he always rings my mobile but bizarrely his Regimental headquarters in Edinburgh had contacted the front line to tell him he had to ring home. Assured him all was well here, rang R and H whilst speaking to him, and just told him not to worry and that everything was fine with us back here. Am obviously now perplexed as to why this has happened and whilst being grateful to speak to him and hear his voice, it's made me uneasy.

He did tell me that everyone knows about the big push, and no parcels have got through from home because of all the equipment shifting that's going on.

Heard from fellow soldier's Mum and her boy's back and feeling tired.

Please Lord keep us strong and them safe.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 127 Week 18

2010-02-07T02:38:00.000-08:00

Well what a worry. Unbeknown to most of us apparently the Falklands may well kick off again, but this time the Navy has shrunk to half the size of the nineteen-eighties fleet. It's all to do with the black gold that lies behind most of the world's squabbles, ie oil.

For those of us who remember the Falklands war, the knowledge of mineral rights affecting our interest in those bleak little outcrops in the South Atlantic comes as nothing of a surprise. It was always felt the Mrs Thatcher's somewhat belated reaction to the Argentine invasion (Lord Carrington actually resigned as a matter of honour over what he regarded as the Foreign Office cock up by sending mixed signals to Argentina), was spurred on by the presence of hydro-carbons and carbons in the portion of Antarctica which sovereignty of the Falklands gave us claim to. But now it seems the previous speculation has turned into a likely stash of approximately three trillion dollars worth of oil reserves.

British companies have been exploring the geology for several years and it is only recently that confirmation of the extent of the wealth lurking beneath land and sea has come to light. The response from Buenos Aires has been to produce a new map of the area with the Falklands returned to being named 'las Malvinas', and the Argentinean Foreign Ministry has lodged a formal complaint with the British Embassy warning they will not tolerate any removal of minerals from Argentine territorial waters - implying they do not recognise British claims to jurisdiction. American press sites are full of the story but we have heard nothing about it over here. Britain has recently cranked up the number of soldiers stationed on the islands considerably, under the auspices of training them for deployment to Afghanistan, and it is strongly supposed the Navy has submarine presence in the area but oh my goodness not more conflict on the horizon.

Here we go again.

The party was brilliant. Such good fun. Caught up with friends and the atmosphere and food were both terrific. Everyone was so supportive and sent lots of love and positivity re C and it's genuinely overwhelming to know that so many people care so much. Strangely enough met someone who was involved with making Harry Brown and explained that whilst I thought it was a brilliant film, as someone who works with teenagers whose life isn't that far removed from the subway kids, it was uncomfortably close to the damaged lives of swathes of our youngsters today.

Had a long chat with H. He doesn't think being a submariner is conducive to having a girlfriend as the endless stretches of time at sea would prove intolerable. Assured him that there are some girls who could stand such endurance, but he emphasised that submarines weren't like the surface fleet and that once under the water there is absolutely no communication for possibly three months at a time. Oh dear, that means Mother's are out of contact as well as girlfriends. He's enjoying the course enormously but as this is the first time the new condensed training has been applied there are technical glitches and some quite unrealistic expectations of what can be done in such a short period of time. He's desperately hoping for a mine sweeper for his practical stint as you get to do much more on the smaller ships than on the big ones. He's missed a call from C and was gutted, but is looking forward to seeing him soon God willing. R home and have just taken her breakfast in bed. No news from C but at least I know he was OK yesterday because he tried to ring H.

The rugby was brilliant with England hammering Wales 30-17. I'm off for a lovely long walk by the river and please God today will be as good as the other hundred and twenty six.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 126 Week 17

2010-02-06T03:40:00.000-08:00

The sun is shining. Goodness what a difference it makes. Bright, golden sunshine.

Good to see everyone in the pub last night and catch up on all the news. Also quite exciting not to be in pyjamas by six thirty, positively recklessly late night- went to bed at ten o'clock.

Very busy day today. Dear friend's birthday and it's her son's tomorrow, and he's one of C's oldest friends so lots of overlap and sentimentality there. Also have been invited to a very glamorous party tonight, lots of scrumptious nosh, witty banter and flowing champagne so think I'll rehearse old-age and have a sleep this afternoon. Of course should really join my fellow Ramblers and yomp through the open countryside, but think I'll give that one a swerve in the name of energy conservation.

Wonder if C is able to conserve energy.

Spoke to my Aunt this morning and she's not been very well at all but thankfully is better now. She and my Uncle have sent yet another parcel out to the frontline. Bless them they always meticulously count up the weight of all the contents and each time they've gone to the post office it's been too heavy, but the kindly postmaster has let it through. Apparently the error stems from counting up the weight on each item, which doesn't include the external wrapping. It's so kind of them to send stuff out because C has told me how much it means to receive goodies from home. These acts of kindness really do make a difference.

Damn, forgot to put some of those energy boosting things in the last despatch I sent out. Am cross with myself. Could make such a difference.

My friend and I plan to go up to Nottinghamshire in the half term holiday, well that's the theory. Never feel totally comfortable making decisions about future actions at the moment, what with everything being so vulnerable and potentially unpredictable.

It's the rugby between England and Wales this afternoon. Had such fun last year watching it with friends and then being kissed by a very handsome stranger on the way home, seems like a million years ago now. Can't really remember what it's like to feel carefree and not to be on edge all the time.

R had a good night out. I've not heard from H but R has and he's been granted two weeks special leave for C's R and R, so with the help of God should have them all together again. No news from C but clutching my phone to my side as he has taken to ringing at the weekend.

Please God I'll see him again.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 125 Week 17

2010-02-05T08:49:00.000-08:00

The two soldiers from the Yorkshire Regiment were repatriated today and it was grimly sombre. Haven't heard from fellow soldier's Mum but she must be desperate. Lots of love and positivity please Lord.

Read the blog on the BBC of the Officer Commanding 3 Rifles A Company in the upper Sangin Valley and apparently that's where most fighting has occurred lately. The insurgents are relentless and the problem is that now they have taken control, they have to hold on to it. The O-i-C said they had been very 'busy' which is always an army euphemism for 'lots of violence'. C is in A Company and the last time I spoke to him he told me he'd been very 'busy'.

Four MPs are to be charged with fraud as it appears they fiddled their expenses beyond the pale. Don't quite know how the line is drawn in that particular patch of sand, but apparently it is. And those serving in Afghanistan have inadequate equipment because of cost cutting.

Not heard from H and miss him so much. But the good news is R just arrived home looking fabulous and when I ventured to mention that more clothes had arrived she looked so affronted and replied 'yeh, like, that's just like, the only piece of shopping I've done in ages, and I'm like, really sensible compared with everyone else'. Felt brave enough to mention the labels I'd found in the bathroom last week but apparently they were 'like, ancient'. Not heard from C and just hope and pray that he's safe and well and not forced to be too 'busy' all the time.

As it's supposed to be Fun Friday and meeting friends in the pub in a couple of minutes.

Hopefully everyone safe and sound

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 124 Week 17

2010-02-04T09:08:00.001-08:00

Oh my poor friend and fellow soldier's Mum. She told me her boy didn't want to go back. What can you say? How can you comfort someone who just took her child to catch a plane to return to a war, but this time knowing all too well what that involves? I said hold on to the thought that they're not forgotten and there are thousands of us in the same boat, but in truth that doesn't help at all. She's back to crying all the time. Lots and lots of prayers that the whole thing will stop and no one else will be hurt.

Weather grim. Colleagues were talking about garden design, one being a horticultural wizard and the other wishing to design a beautiful one in her new house, and the wizard reminded the novice that she should look to where the sun fell during the day and the novice replied that she hadn't been able to, as since she'd been given the advice - the sun hadn't appeared once. We'll all be going down with SAD syndrome - maybe that's why I'm so knackered all the time. Anyway the wizard is my buddy and she's said she's going to help me put the finishing touches to my 'Japanese garden', sounds awfully glamorous.

See that all Toyotas are being recalled because of defective accelerators, sometimes they just keep getting faster and faster even when not applied, or more worryingly still, when braking. It's very serious, so far eighteen fatalities have been attributed to the condition in the US alone. At least I know C is in danger, it's the ones you don't know about which are often the most lethal.

Read that Katie Price has remarried, this time to a cage fighter and it's rumoured they celebrated their nuptials with a private audience by several artists in a strip club. Surely not. Sometimes I think the world is compartmentalised into separate mini-universes, so near and yet so totally unconnected to each other.

Had a text from H and he's loving it. Not heard from R so hope she's OK. No news from C.

Please God look after them all.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 123 Week 17

2010-02-03T10:03:00.000-08:00

Fellow soldier's Mum said as they left home the local paper was full of the news of the death of her son's friend and comrade and that when they got to the airport she didn't say goodbye to a soldier but to her child, and now he's gone back to that hell-hole. All I could say was there was nothing I could say, but that there were thousands of us in the same position. Oh Lord what a mess.

Now the government says we can't afford to keep our Armed Forces at the current level, so we'll have to merge with the French. Can't see that one working somehow. Mega clash of mini-Titans with a bucket load of history to settle and neither particularly like being told what to do by the other. Love the French, adore la Francais mais je pense ....... quoi?

Then with all the revelations, counter-revelations and ego posturing going on at the Iraq Inquiry you can't help but query the validity. We are but pawns.

Work very busy but satisfying. Numeracy and literacy and nice kids so it was good. Gave a colleague a lift home and was good to chat and actually laugh in the car on the way home. Was invited to a gathering tonight but am still knackered so have sent apologies and will see everyone at the Weekend God willing. Weather grim. Cold, claggy rain with the distant threat more of the frozen stuff sweeping in from the north.

Heard from H and he's so supportive. Not heard from R but apparently the latest is a month in Ibiza in the summer - how? No news from C but sent a letter out today and realised I was being looked at as I spoke to it and gave it a kiss at the post box. Never think you're not being watched.

Thank you Lord.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 122 Week 17

2010-02-02T09:21:00.000-08:00

Didn't know two more soldiers died yesterday. My fellow soldier's Mum e-mailed me today and told me and she's so down. They were friends of her son and she was taking him to the airport to get his flight back to it all. What a note to return on. God rest their souls.

Please keep everyone safe.

There is definitely something funny in the air this week. Strange things have been happening and lots of testing situations arising unpredictably. Just hope it all passes without anything too spectacular occurring. Work wasn't without incident and then got to see Harry Brown and whilst Michael Caine is still splendid on the big screen, definite eye-candy and surely he must be seventy by now - but oh my God it was depressing. Hate gratuitous violence, there's enough of the real stuff in the world without making vile make-believe.

If only magic wands were real.

After the marvellous physio session yesterday, ankle felt absolutely brilliant this morning and so abandoned stick and it felt terrific. Went for a walk at lunchtime with my buddy and we had a chat and laugh and felt heartily grateful that an incident which happened during the morning was hopefully settled in a positive way. Then came home and despatched another parcel off to the front and yes, hugged and kissed the large envelope and asked it to keep C safe. Wonder why people can take comfort from familiar rituals? Must be Celtic blood coming to the fore.

Still feel knackered - but am aware it's psychological. Oh for the spring and a carpet of bluebells in a woodland bathed in golden sunshine.

No news from H but we tend to just speak at the weekend as he's got so much work to do. Mais j'espere ill est back en Angleterre maintenant. Not heard from R but yet another parcel of internet shopping has arrived. No news from C and as he tends to ring at the weekend now, please Lord keep it that way.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 121 Week 17

2010-02-01T09:08:00.001-08:00

Why oh why did I marry that plonker? Must hold on to the fact that I wouldn't want my children in any way different whatsoever, so if they had to have that genetic fingerprint then so be it. It's all meant to be, there is a reason for everything, we don't necessarily see it at the time, it is only later on that everything makes sense, but oh my goodness he tries the patience of a saint.

Let it go. Don't like even thinking about him - and certainly hate it when he rattles my cage. Indifference is the cherished state and all I wish is that he would honour his word. What goes around comes around. Let it go.

Am so tired owing to the fact my brain wouldn't switch off last night, and just kept churning, churning, churning. Then once adrenalin was pumping thoughts turned to C and with all the inevitability of wide awake since midnight, and by then it's four in the morning, the only conclusion was a state of terror. Pure blind panic. Why do things magnify in the wee small hours of the morning, apparently more people slip off this mortal coil between two and five than at any other time. Let it go.

Work was good. Am so tired I feel sick. This must be how C feels all the time, with the added responsibility of decisions made in a split second determining the safety and well being of God knows how many. That puts me in my place.

Heard on the grape vine that apparently, God bless him, C is held in high esteem by those who know him. He stays calm and nothing ruffles him. That must hopefully be very reassuring for those around him and just hope and pray he can keep it together for the long haul.

Please Lord he's safe and really will come home.

H wonderful and so calm and supportive. Told me everything will be fine and just chill out. R back at uni and I just keep chanting the bad times make the good times worthwhile - and if this is as bad as it gets it'll be a good life.

Lots of prayers for calm.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 120 Week 17

2010-01-31T07:57:00.000-08:00

Another week with no horrid news thank goodness.

R in recovery from a brilliant night out. H on a coach somewhere in France and I've just been for a walk with my dear friend around one of our pretty ancient towns and it's freezing cold. Heard someone mention the 's' word but am seriously hoping that proves incorrect.

Heard from fellow soldier's Mum and she's dreading her boy going back. The earlier elation is now replaced by inevitable dread. All we can do is hope and pray.

Feel very edgy today, hopefully for no reason at all.

Please God all is safe and well

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 119 Week 16

2010-01-30T10:10:00.000-08:00

Just driven back down the lanes (Buckinghamshire is criss-crossed by miles of single track roads with passing places, just like the north of Scotland) and some stupid idiot drove straight at me as I was going up a hill, with their full beam on and consequently I now have two flashing circles of gold in the middle of my vision. Had been visiting the parents of one of C's best friends, and they are also soldier's Mum and Dad. So reassuring to see them, they're so optimistic and always feel invigorated after being in their company.

Prior to that was in Tescos and my phone rang and it was H. He was in France, at the French Naval Academy in Brest and had just had the humiliation of leading an RN side which was beaten resoundingly at one of our national sports by an opposition on fire. Guess you could call it revenge for Trafalgar. The French scored three tries and the Navy managed to claw one back at the end, but it hurt. He's enjoying every minute of the warfare training but the pace is relentless and doesn't get a minute to himself. Won't be back in Blighty until Monday and strongly suspect there will be immense drowning of sorrows tonight.

Reminded me of the lunch at his graduation in December when I overheard two Admirals muttering darkly about the Army's underhand tactic of fielding six Fijian internationals in their side at Twickenham last year, when the Army squashed the Navy by nearly fifty points. The Admirals thought it typical of shady dealings by the pongos and weren't at all happy. I was there at the actual match and it was terrific. Was sitting next to a naval family and the father was clutching an Ensign which transpired was grabbed at the last minute from Coventry just before she sank during the Falklands. He'd borrowed it from a friend and promised if the Navy scored he'd hold it aloft and in the last five minutes of the game I had the pleasure of holding the right hand corner when a try was at last scored. Absolutely brilliant day out.

And then when I arrived back in our village, my phone rang again and this time it was from C, and he sounded utterly worn out. He's moved to another location and it's much better than the previous one - please God he'll be as safe there as he was before. So solemn and grave. I said I'd seen his testimonial and he said the lad was a terrific guy, one of the best. He went on to tell me that the boy from our next village who's in his platoon actually came back on the repatriation flight with the two Riflemen yesterday. That apparently was a conscious decision, it was deemed important to bring the poor souls back looked after by their own. I managed to hold it together and told him how proud I was of him and how well he was doing and how much I was looking forward to seeing him, and as soon as the call finished I sobbed, and sobbed, and sobbed.

Saw the moon rise though and it was spectacular. A huge golden ball, almost looked like the sun itself.

Was invited to a Burns night supper in the village tonight and called in to see everyone and say thank you but somehow I don't feel lighthearted and so a quiet night in will do instead. The hall looked so pretty, with tartan, fairy lights and two enormous tables beautifully laid. The son of one of the organisers has just joined the Mercian Regiment and we caught up on news.

R home and looking fabulous and off to yet another party. And I'm going to get into my pyjamas, have a glass of wine, snuggle down on the sofa and watch Pride and Prejudice.

Met an Irish guy who comes from where my family comes from in Ireland, and he's actually quite nice.

May God's kindness continue to guard everyone from harm.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 118 Week 16

2010-01-29T09:03:00.000-08:00

Beautiful, huge full moon tonight. It dominates the sky.

Been mulling over the plan to 'pay' the Taliban to give up their arms. They're deeply religious fundamentalists who fervently believe all the evils of the world stem from the deeds of the 'kafir' (non-believers), and that the only way to save mankind is to adopt shariah law and convert to Islam. The dollar being one of the clearest symbols of western decadence and debauchery, why on earth would anyone presume they would accept taking a few of them in order to abandon their passionately held cause? These people think nothing of dying or killing in the name of their belief. Maybe our ignorance of their commitment could be explained by the fact that an ideology or faith held so devoutly is, to us, an anathema. Never underestimate your enemy.

And then when you factor in how righteously NATO has been lecturing the Afghan government on the importance of stamping down on corruption and eradicating it in every form, what kind of example is being set by trying to 'buy' someone away from their cause? And on a purely practical level has anyone considered a full take up of the offer followed by an immediate return to former activities, but this time with thousands of dollars sloshing around to buy even more equipment. They must have gone mad.

Tony Blair bullish about the Iraq war and he has no regrets. Wonder what the Inquiry will decide.

Work interesting. Challenging days make the gentle days worthwhile. Supposed to be minus four tonight.

Heard from H and he's captaining the RN in a rugby match against the French Navy tomorrow. Oh dear, should be interesting. R home and in good form, uni good and off with the girls clubbing tonight. No news from C and just hope he's safe and sound and survives all the harebrained schemes the powers that be choose to throw at him. The boy from our neighbouring village whose in C's platoon arrived back today for his r and r leave, and I'm sure his family must be delighted.

Keep up the good work please Lord.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 117 Week 16

2010-01-28T09:21:00.000-08:00

Why am I so tired at the moment? Is it shock to the system after being a lady of leisure for so many months? Slept like a log last night but fear I could have gone round the clock. Then am arrested by thoughts of how tired C must feel and am aware I'm behaving like a pampered bitch.

So the conference is being held in London on the future of Afghanistan. All sorts of profound mutterings about the Afghan government taking over responsibility for its own security within five years, to which end a hundred a forty thousand dollars has been set aside to pay members of the Taliban to lay down their weapons and join in peaceful negotiation on the 'way forward'. Always worry when organisations talk about 'the way forward'. It usually means the 'way forward' thus far has been an abject failure, and so they try to inject artificial energy by implying a sweeping change of direction. Why change the current 'way forward' if it's been a success? And if you impose too many different 'way forwards' you just end up going round and round and round in ever decreasing circles.

Radio 4 announced this morning that corruption is so embedded in Afghani culture that they have twelve words for it. Start musing about how many words or phrases there are in English for the very same. Bribery, extortion, fiddling, profiteering, pay-off, on-the-take, racket, bung, brown-paper-envelope, knobble, coerce, breach-of-trust, scam, back-hander, bent, shady, rotten, unscrupulous, underhand, fraudulent - much more than a dozen and the list goes on and on. Does that mean we're more corrupt? I give up on all the nonsense.

Meanwhile boys like my son are being killed or horribly mutilated.

H going away for the weekend, Dartmouth challenging but brilliant. R hopefully coming home. No news from C but never forget him ever.

Look after them please Lord

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Post Script - a dear friend just rang and her mother lives in Wootton Bassett. She's very involved in the church down there and there's a flurry of excitement as tomorrow Charles and Camilla will be raising the colours and dedicating a flag pole to the town. The good people have shunned any formal or political recognition of their dignified observances, rejecting naming of streets and the like, but as they do not have such a facility at the moment, have agreed to its installation on practical grounds.

Day 116 Week 16

2010-01-27T09:22:00.000-08:00

Heard from fellow soldier's Mum and she's still over the moon to have her boy home, but the egg-timer is shifting sand in her mind and she's dreading him going back. Know exactly how she feels, as it gets nearer to C coming home, it actually becomes harder to bear.

Work was really lovely today. Social Care lesson covering acceptable practice in order to avoid discrimination and then art and peaceful contemplative creativity. Sometimes I think I should be the one paying for the privilege of being allowed to be there and not the other way round. The kids were so keen and open and full of boundless enthusiasm, doesn't seem five minutes since I was like that. Culture shock to realise that in reality, of course, it was over thirty years ago - heavens where did that go.

Weather been abysmal - cold, bleak, damp, grey and gloomy. No one complaining though because at least it's not the 's' word. Hope Afghanistan is kinder in climate.

Hooked on Michael Portillo's train journeys and last night it was Matlock to Derby, a route which encompasses much of my childhood and more than one memory of a happy date. Those were the care free days of zooming around in a selection of rackety old MG's, listening to the crackly radio and calling into a country pub for a half of lager, or if you were very posh a dry Martini and lemonade, followed by a quick snog in the car park. Scampi and chips in a tomato ketchup engrained basket, sitting on top of a paper napkin, accompanied by overcooked frozen peas and half a tomato, and I thought I'd arrived. The seventies had to be experienced to be believed, it wasn't that life was dull it was just the choices were so limited. But still it was fun.

Absolutely knackered as appalling sleep last night accompanied by fitful, frightful dreams.

Heard from H and he's so concerned about his baby brother. He read the messages of condolence and was gutted but proud of C's sang froid. Heard from R and sorted out her washing. Not heard from C but just hoping and praying all are safe in this new offensive they're launching.

Please God look after them.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 115 Week 16

2010-01-26T09:28:00.000-08:00

Not only was the poor lad killed on Sunday in 3 Rifles, but he served with my son and C knew and respected him well. Found out at eight thirty this morning, checking the news before starting work and if it wasn't for my dear colleagues don't think I could have got through the day. Factoring in the time difference, it must have happened not long after I spoke to C on Saturday night and I just feel so, so, sad for the boy, and his family, and his friends - those both not serving and the serving left behind. No winners.

If you look at the gallery of the fallen the most horrendous aspect is they just look so alive. A sea of young fresh hopeful faces, invariably smiling and exuding optimism and clearly looking forward to the future. And now they're gone, God bless them all.

There was the most breathtaking sunset tonight. The sky looked as if it was on fire as puniceous crimson spread out from the brow of our life-giving orb as it settled below the horizon. It was like the heavens spontaneously combusted. I stood at the top of the hill at the entrance to my close, looking over the dark outlines of the trees in the woods and fields beyond and I wasn't crying but suddenly tears streamed down my face. Can't ever put the horrors out of my mind.

Heard from R and she's having a ball. Heard from H and he's so mature and responsible and loving his course too. Heard from C, but only in a very formal way describing how he feels over the loss of his comrade. That was through a testimonial he had written on the MoD website.

God bless us all and keep us strong and protect us from danger.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 114 Week 16

2010-01-25T09:09:00.000-08:00

Another Rifleman killed. May he RIP. He was from 3 Rifles A Company, that's just the same as C. Heard last night as a dear friend text 'thinking of you, hope all's well' and I knew something had happened. Confirmed fears, sent round robin informing nearest and dearest C was OK as far as I knew and hoped, and then sobbed myself to sleep.

Saw that there's to be a new big offensive along the lines of panther's claw, as the Americans have sent in so many reinforcements, to be accompanied with an expected inevitable surge in casualties and just feel sick with dread. It's to regain land that the Taliban took from Nato, which Nato took from the insurgents, which the insurgents took from the Afghan National government, and I think that just about sums the whole bloody mess up.

R just rang and she's heard from C and has a date for him to hopefully return for his leave. She's rung H and he's in the process of arranging special leave to meet him too and I just feel so terrified that something might go wrong. When you read dreadful stories about incidents happening when personnel shouldn't have been where they were or should have been home but swapped at the last moment and just pray that kismet is on our side and he returns to us safely.

Work was good but have another headache, again - maybe I need to get my eyes tested. Irritated myself enormously by taking some money out at the cash till on the way home and then in an absent minded vague moment walked away without actually collecting it. Still, if that's the worst thing that happens, I'll have a good life.

Must stay positive and not be afraid. All soldier's joke about the lottery of names on bullets, but it's true and there really is nothing you can do, just put your faith in the right place and behave with dignity.

Not heard from fellow soldier's Mum because hopefully she's having the time of her life and relishing every moment of having her boy at home.

Please Lord bring him home safe.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 113 Week 16

2010-01-24T02:27:00.000-08:00

My phone rang last night and it was C. Artifcially up-beat in my utterly jovial salutation and he sounded completely shattered.

To summarise, it's been 'interestingly eventful' (blood ran cold), they've been really 'busy' (obvious euphemism), he's received the parcels and could he have more of the same please (will put one together today), his guys are 'bearing up' (the poor things must be pushed beyond repair), they've been down to the Helmund River a few times (scratch all thoughts of a gentle stroll along the waterside) and Afghanistan is a really beautiful country, well it would be if there weren't so many people 'running around trying to kill' him. He threw in a sardonic laugh after the last statement.

Every mother's nightmare. Still struggle with how it got to this.

Why do people want to kill people? Every conflict boils down to dead bodies and it's so futile. Just because my son is working for one ideology why should it be a good idea for another ideology to assassinate him? Churchill said 'war, war stops when jaw, jaw starts' and that is as true in this instance as it has been through time immemorial. But no the killing must continue.

Just seen the news and didn't realise another Rifleman was killed on Friday, God rest his soul. He was nineteen years old and his dying words to the medic were to tell his mother he loved her. Oh the poor lad and his family.

Not heard from H and R went to a party last night, and I'm going for a long walk in the fresh air.

Oh Lord make it all stop please.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 112 Week 15

2010-01-23T08:18:00.000-08:00

The threat of a terrorist attack on the UK has been raised to the highest level of 'substantial' from 'severe', but we haven't been told why. Oh dear they obviously know something and we know nothing. Just not convinced ignorance is bliss in this instance.

Yesterday was two years to the day since my mother died. Simply doesn't seem possible it was that long ago, and yet on another level it feels like I haven't seen her for decades. Still miss her, but know she would have been wretched had she survived her last tussle with the reaper. She was a strange, complicated person with a brain like a razor blade but a body like a battered old shoe, consequently towards the end of her life she was consumed with frustration at the lack of physical ability. Her stamina was never questioned though and she actually drove herself and her dear companion for a pub lunch just a week before her passing.

I have enormous guilt as she always refused any help on the basis she was completely independent, but what that meant in reality was that she could just about cope when things were stable but when an episode of infection arose, I was the first point of contact. Nothing wrong with that apart from the fact I live a hundred and thirty miles from where I grew up, and the awful thing is when I arrived to her failing body just days before she died, we had a furious row in which she finally admitted defeat and accepted she either had to come to me or have proper provision where she was. Still have a strong feeling she's now somewhere else and keeping a watchful eye on her family when they may be at risk or in danger.

Should have been in Windsor with my friend today but alas migraine kicked in so have been lying in a darkened room for four hours and it has finally receded to he point I can sit up.

Not heard from H. R home and being really sweet, she washed the bath out and offered to make a cup of tea. I haven't heard from C but R has. He rang her to ask if she'd collect him from Brize Norton when he has his R and R leave dv, and she of course rang H who is going to see if he is entitled to special leave to be there too. Those three are extraordinarily close, you take on one you take on them all.

Lots of prayers for absent friends.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 111 Week 15

2010-01-22T08:57:00.000-08:00

Fellow soldier's Mum said it's the best thing ever - better than winning the lottery. The thing that is so remarkable is that you can feel her happiness, it's like she's come alive again.

No news from H. R home and lovely, she's had an interview for a job in a nursery and she'd be excellent because she's really good with little children, a natural Mary Poppins. No news from C and just hope everything's as normal as possible and no lurking horribleness anywhere.

Loads of rain today, claggy dark rain. Consequently to lift the spirits a group gathering in the local pub in ten minutes from now so really short blog.

Please God everything's going to be alright in the end.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 110 Week 15

2010-01-21T09:45:00.000-08:00

Heard from fellow soldier's Mum and she's over the moon. No more glooms or anxiety just total happiness and apparently she hasn't stopped smiling for over twenty-four hours now. She is ecstatic to have her boy home but said he's so thin, presumably because of the appalling diet and the relentless burning up of calories. Spoke to a colleague who was a Marine in the Gulf War and he said he couldn't eat a proper meal for ages after his tour finished. I'm so happy for her but I ache to have my own home please God.

My journey to and from work weaves in and out of the M25 and as I drove over it tonight it was one long, solid line of stationary vehicles. Not for nothing is it known as the world's largest car park. All that wasted time sitting behind the steering wheel staring at the red lights of the car in front, wonder if the poor things have actually been able to move by now, they certainly weren't going anywhere earlier on. It's just dead time, lost time, puerile time and thank goodness I don't have to sit in that day after day, surely it would drive you nowhere but mad. C would loathe to be one of those never-ending fume-inhaling commuters, he'd be like a wild animal trapped in a small cage.

Must hold on to thoughts like that.

Wonder how C moves about in Afghanistan. Do they use the precious helicopters? Are they driven around in the old, dilapidated lorries? Or do they have to walk everywhere, tip-toeing between one hopefully unmined patch of earth to another?

Please Lord keep him safe so that he too can come home.

Heard from H and Dartmouth brill and skiing was amazing. Heard from R and she didn't speak to C either but she's having a good time and should be coming home at the weekend. Not had another call from C.

Saw a programme on the telly last night with Michael Portillo covering train journeys, and he stayed in the ancient hotel my friend and I stayed in at Dartmouth, and apparently it's stuffed to the gunnels with the ghosts of lost mariners - glad I didn't know that before.

Actually please keep everyone safe Lord.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 109 Week 15

2010-01-20T09:40:00.000-08:00

Is there something in the air today?

Won a court judgement in August that the children's father (my fault I know for not being more discerning all those years ago) should support R whilst at university. Came home this evening to another court order (and I didn't even know the case was being considered) from a judge who shall we say acted less than honourably when I was before him many years ago (and he asked me to stay behind after the hearing to discuss my 'future plans' in his chambers - but we won't go into that now) reducing the amount to be paid. More unnecessary hassle.

Then a dear friend is trying to be brave but is suffering real turmoil and it's horrid to see her in such a way, she doesn't deserve any of it and she's so lovely and kind and good.

Then there's supposed to be more snow on the way and everyone's utterly sick of it.

Then there was really bad karma in the shop and a bit of queue rage which we all pretended to ignore but created a really bad feeling.

Then I came home to the aforementioned bad news and a cold, empty house and I missed my brood beyond words.

Then just when I thought I'd switch the mind-set from negativity and embraced positive mental attitude, my phone rang and it was voicemail, and I'd missed another call from C. That was the final invisible straw to hit the equally unseen camel's back and I sat on the sofa and sobbed like the proverbial. Feel utterly gutted to be denied any of the precious calls from C, it makes me so frustrated and cross with myself that I just want to scream at the injustice. That may sound a little OTT but ask anyone who has someone out there and they'll all describe the same feeling of wretchedness when a call is lost. It's like you've failed them by not being there when they needed you. You can never ring them, they can only ever ring you, and the least you can do is always be there.

His voice sounded calm and mature, and he said he just wanted to see how I was, and he sent lots of love, and I just miss him so much, and am so frightened that I'll never see him again, and it scares me alot.

The good news, of course, is that at 5.13pm GMT he was safe and well, and even if we didn't get to exchange words that's something to cling on to.

There is some good news today though, and fellow soldier's Mum is so happy because she's on her way to collect her boy who's flown back for his two weeks R and R and they should be with him about now.

Not heard from H. Not heard from R. But at least I can replay C's message feel like he's really here for a moment.

More prayers please Lord.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 108 Week 15

2010-01-19T10:15:00.001-08:00

Really short blog as absolutely knackered and no news to impart, thank God.

The head of the Army and the head of the Navy are having an unseemly spat over 'the way forward'. Strangely enough the Sea Lord thinks we need more ships and submarines and the Major General thinks we need more soldiers and small armaments. In these days of economical prudery it will be interesting to see which boy's train set wins the day, my only serious concern is the likelihood of soldiers and sailors being sent into war with one metaphorical hand tied behind the back because of lack of decent, safe, well maintained equipment.

So good to be back at work. Love everyone to bits. Met a guy today whose previous existence consisted of being a Lieutenant Commander in the RN and lots of chat about Dartmouth and the several wars he'd participated in. Hopefully my boys can be just as fortunate.

At last aid is beginning to arrive in Haiti and it looks as if more than two hundred thousand could have perished. Bodies being tumbled into mass graves from dustbin lorries, almost too horrendous for us to contemplate but we must because they need our help so desperately.

No news from H so hopefully things good there. No news from R so hopefully all well there too, just miss her so much. And last but by no means least, no news from the frontline and so please God all well with everyone.

Shepherd's pie for supper.

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x

Day 107 Week 15

2010-01-18T09:08:00.000-08:00

Went back to work and it was absolutely brilliant. So good to see everyone, lots of jokes about 'return to work Chapter 2' and felt invigorated to be back in the land of the living.

Work being amazing and am having a phased return and my timetable's fantastic. Initially felt like a rookie but after ten minutes in the classroom realised I had a vague idea what I'm supposed to do, and enjoyed every minute of it.

Reflecting on the nature of my colleagues I start thinking about the role of the job and wonder if it's because they have to care so much about the students that it attracts such kind, considerate people? Some of the young people we work with have had the most desperate things to cope with for their young years and for many it's a huge and literally life changing move to return to education. Then ponder about the whole nature of character compared to chosen professions. Are careers choices or vocations? In reality probably a bit of both.

Had a huge bluey with R which always makes me sad, still I suppose being a teenage girl means that Mum's public enemy number one. Not heard from H but he's still in the Alps hopefully having the time of his life. Kabul erupted into a battlefield this morning with suicide bombers and gun fights around the government buildings, will it ever settle down. No news from C and am obviously concerned but must keep spirits high and assume silence is the best alternative.

Came home and had a delicious hot soak in the bath and all the muscles started to relax after the shock of an active day. And now it's my favourite supper of bangers and mash. Thank you Lord today was a good day.

Can tomorrow and all the other days be like that please?

Speak soon. A soldier's Mum x